Friday, April 02, 2004
Brawl breaks out at anger-management session
In Woodlawn Highschool (Maryland), an anger management assembly failed quite miserably, ultimately becoming a fracas involving approximately 750 angry and violent students. It all started when some kid's pushy mom decided to confront some bully girls who had been picking on her daughter. Words turned to shouts turned to pushes turned to punches and next thing you know, the whole darned crowd was in chaos.
Meanwhile, on stage, students were role-playing and showing how to resolve conflicts peacefully. Reports are that it took 15 minutes to calm everybody down.
Mom is being charged with trespassing and disrupting school activities. 2 folks were arrested and 11 suspended with risk of expulsion.
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Kitty on the Roof
Pesky Bono, a grey Persian kitty owned by John Sutton, just wouldn't leave John alone the other morning.
John was leaving for work and thought he had managed to shoo the feline away from his Toyota Celica before he got on the road. Boy was he surprised when he slowed down in traffic and the cat slid down off the roof onto the windshield in front of him and clung to the windshield wipers. It is not known if the wipers were on or off.
"It gave me a hell of a fright. Then I realized it was Bono and he was bloody petrified," said Mr. Sutton.
He did, by the way, pull over to get the cat off the windshield. Something I know many of my esteemed readers would not necessarily do.
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50 CENT, BAD *SS M_F, is Allowed to Curse!
Update on previous story from our new Floridian Correspondent, John Picard. Don't make any Star Trek jokes, I understand it causes him to become violent.
So last week I guess it was, I told you about the plan in St Petersburg FL to charge performers for $500 per cuss word during their shows. $10k bond put up front for each night of a show, then additional monies to be paid by the performer and his/her posse for any curses over and above that $10k figure.
Shockingly, the City Council actually killed the proposal! The council was split down the middle (4-4) and therefore the motion was squashed due to lack of majority support. So Mister 50 Cent and Foul Mouthed John Tesh will be able to put on as many concerts there aw they wish, without fear of reprisals.
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DEAR MR PRESIDENT...17-year-old high school honors student John Fellows whipped off an email to GW Bush without thinking to use spell check, grammar check, or brain function check.
His email to the prez said: "I'm going to blow up the White House and Kill you and your family...You're a stupid peace [sic] of shit and deserve to Die!!!"
He was trying, actually, to get back at some chick at school that he was mad at, so he logged into the high school computer under her username and password and send the email under her account.
John's lawyer really thinks this should just be ignored, because "There was a female involved here. There was no genuine threat here."
Now THAT's a convincing argument to acquit.
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That Woman? She's a Pig!
Frustrated 72 year old Thomas Leatham wasn't getting any at home from his wife of 30 years, so he went down the road to find some other pig that would accept his advances. Never mind the fact that it was a quarter ton Saddleback sow that he became involved with.
Thomas and the piggy were caught going to second base by a mother and daughter who immedaitely contacted police, who arrived in time to discover Thomas and the pig being very....friendly with each other.
Actually, in Thomas' own words: "I've been very naughty. I've been with an animal." He did clarify that he and the pig were only making out, they did not actually have sex.
Well, that's completely different, isn't it?
In Woodlawn Highschool (Maryland), an anger management assembly failed quite miserably, ultimately becoming a fracas involving approximately 750 angry and violent students. It all started when some kid's pushy mom decided to confront some bully girls who had been picking on her daughter. Words turned to shouts turned to pushes turned to punches and next thing you know, the whole darned crowd was in chaos.
Meanwhile, on stage, students were role-playing and showing how to resolve conflicts peacefully. Reports are that it took 15 minutes to calm everybody down.
Mom is being charged with trespassing and disrupting school activities. 2 folks were arrested and 11 suspended with risk of expulsion.
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888
Kitty on the Roof
Pesky Bono, a grey Persian kitty owned by John Sutton, just wouldn't leave John alone the other morning.
John was leaving for work and thought he had managed to shoo the feline away from his Toyota Celica before he got on the road. Boy was he surprised when he slowed down in traffic and the cat slid down off the roof onto the windshield in front of him and clung to the windshield wipers. It is not known if the wipers were on or off.
"It gave me a hell of a fright. Then I realized it was Bono and he was bloody petrified," said Mr. Sutton.
He did, by the way, pull over to get the cat off the windshield. Something I know many of my esteemed readers would not necessarily do.
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888
50 CENT, BAD *SS M_F, is Allowed to Curse!
Update on previous story from our new Floridian Correspondent, John Picard. Don't make any Star Trek jokes, I understand it causes him to become violent.
So last week I guess it was, I told you about the plan in St Petersburg FL to charge performers for $500 per cuss word during their shows. $10k bond put up front for each night of a show, then additional monies to be paid by the performer and his/her posse for any curses over and above that $10k figure.
Shockingly, the City Council actually killed the proposal! The council was split down the middle (4-4) and therefore the motion was squashed due to lack of majority support. So Mister 50 Cent and Foul Mouthed John Tesh will be able to put on as many concerts there aw they wish, without fear of reprisals.
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888
DEAR MR PRESIDENT...17-year-old high school honors student John Fellows whipped off an email to GW Bush without thinking to use spell check, grammar check, or brain function check.
His email to the prez said: "I'm going to blow up the White House and Kill you and your family...You're a stupid peace [sic] of shit and deserve to Die!!!"
He was trying, actually, to get back at some chick at school that he was mad at, so he logged into the high school computer under her username and password and send the email under her account.
John's lawyer really thinks this should just be ignored, because "There was a female involved here. There was no genuine threat here."
Now THAT's a convincing argument to acquit.
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888
That Woman? She's a Pig!
Frustrated 72 year old Thomas Leatham wasn't getting any at home from his wife of 30 years, so he went down the road to find some other pig that would accept his advances. Never mind the fact that it was a quarter ton Saddleback sow that he became involved with.
Thomas and the piggy were caught going to second base by a mother and daughter who immedaitely contacted police, who arrived in time to discover Thomas and the pig being very....friendly with each other.
Actually, in Thomas' own words: "I've been very naughty. I've been with an animal." He did clarify that he and the pig were only making out, they did not actually have sex.
Well, that's completely different, isn't it?
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Today in History: April 1, 1876 - Philadelphia began a long tradition of 'close but no cigar' when the first official National League (NL) baseball game took place. Boston beat Philadelphia 6-5.
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Feeding into my Obsession with America's Litigious Nature:
A West Virginia man is suing US Airways, saying that the airline didn't warn him that drinking alcohol while on the flight might make him drunk.
As a direct result of US Airways negligence in not warning him, Floyd W Shuler fell down an escalator and was hurt. Floyd is suing for more than $15,000 in damages.
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From Chief MidAtlantic Sulker Glenn McMillen:
A Whole New Meaning For the Term Egg Timer
The National Archives has released a secret 1957 Ministry of Defense report that indicates scientists actually were contemplating using live chickens in their nuclear weaponry to keep the temperature of the bombs/bomb casings up where it needed to be.
Even though this was released on April Fools Day, the government insists that it is authentic, complete with quotes such as: "incorporating some form of heating independent of power supplies under the weapon hull in the emplacement. Chickens, with a heat output of the order of 1,000 BTU (British Thermal Units) per bird per day are a possibility."
"None whatsoever," he said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It's not the kind of thing the civil service does, to set up an April Fool's joke."
Officials planned in 1957 to station 10 land mines, code name "Blue Peacock" with the British Army of the Rhine in Germany. However, the next year the Ministry of Defense Weapons Policy Committee decided to stop work on the 16,000 pound mines, citing reservations about the fallout hazard.
Chicken feathers CAN be so messy, you know.
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Fat hamster in printer sparks rescue
Police initially thought the frantic phone call received in Flensburg, Germany, was an April Fools joke. But no, the woman on the other end hysterically crying about her hamster that was stuck in her printer was anything but joking.
Turns out Teddy, the most porcine of her 5 hamsters, had wandered into the computer printer and gotten wedged in there too tightly to escape. According to the Flensburg police statement: "Contrary to his normal habits, Teddy climbed inside a PC printer and was unable to get out because of his corpulence,"
At least she didn't call the fire department.
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Find Me That Fool
Tristan Ellis, 18, has had quite a career already in crime. Last November he was granted bail after facing 28 breaking and entry charges. Once he got out, he committed another 17 break/entry/assaults.
So when he appeared before Supreme Court Justice Dean Mildren for his latest trial, the judge was 'absolutely staggered' that someone had been stupid enough to put this joker out on the streets at all.
"Who is the idiot who did that?" he demanded.
Uh, that would be...you, sir. Guess he just kind of forgot.
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It's Your Mortgage, Mary!
The Isleta Casino Resort was looking for an untapped niche market, and certainly found it. How's about we prey upon people who are already deeply in debt or borderline bankrupt? CooOOOOoool.
The resort has been running commercials that recommend gambling your few remaining dollars as a way to pay bills. For example: "So, the holidays have passed, and those credit card bills just keep piling up? Well, Isleta Casino Resort comes to your rescue." View: happy lady with dollar bills being counted into her sweaty palms.
Without admitting any ethical lapses, the casino has pulled the commercials.
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Raelian Landing Strip in Queensland?
Winton, Queensland, may be the site of the latest alien touch down! Reports have it that yesterday evening a huge fireball with a flash 'like 50,000 spotlights' crashed to the earth, much to the excitement of the quiet outback town.
Nobody has reported finding the actual space ship, but if the rumbling and such that occurred last night are anything to go by, it's out there somewhere.
"There's probably is a big hole somewhere – but had this fallen on Winton we probably wouldn't be sitting here talking about it," Ms Nelms said.
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Feeding into my Obsession with America's Litigious Nature:
A West Virginia man is suing US Airways, saying that the airline didn't warn him that drinking alcohol while on the flight might make him drunk.
As a direct result of US Airways negligence in not warning him, Floyd W Shuler fell down an escalator and was hurt. Floyd is suing for more than $15,000 in damages.
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From Chief MidAtlantic Sulker Glenn McMillen:
A Whole New Meaning For the Term Egg Timer
The National Archives has released a secret 1957 Ministry of Defense report that indicates scientists actually were contemplating using live chickens in their nuclear weaponry to keep the temperature of the bombs/bomb casings up where it needed to be.
Even though this was released on April Fools Day, the government insists that it is authentic, complete with quotes such as: "incorporating some form of heating independent of power supplies under the weapon hull in the emplacement. Chickens, with a heat output of the order of 1,000 BTU (British Thermal Units) per bird per day are a possibility."
"None whatsoever," he said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It's not the kind of thing the civil service does, to set up an April Fool's joke."
Officials planned in 1957 to station 10 land mines, code name "Blue Peacock" with the British Army of the Rhine in Germany. However, the next year the Ministry of Defense Weapons Policy Committee decided to stop work on the 16,000 pound mines, citing reservations about the fallout hazard.
Chicken feathers CAN be so messy, you know.
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Fat hamster in printer sparks rescue
Police initially thought the frantic phone call received in Flensburg, Germany, was an April Fools joke. But no, the woman on the other end hysterically crying about her hamster that was stuck in her printer was anything but joking.
Turns out Teddy, the most porcine of her 5 hamsters, had wandered into the computer printer and gotten wedged in there too tightly to escape. According to the Flensburg police statement: "Contrary to his normal habits, Teddy climbed inside a PC printer and was unable to get out because of his corpulence,"
At least she didn't call the fire department.
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Find Me That Fool
Tristan Ellis, 18, has had quite a career already in crime. Last November he was granted bail after facing 28 breaking and entry charges. Once he got out, he committed another 17 break/entry/assaults.
So when he appeared before Supreme Court Justice Dean Mildren for his latest trial, the judge was 'absolutely staggered' that someone had been stupid enough to put this joker out on the streets at all.
"Who is the idiot who did that?" he demanded.
Uh, that would be...you, sir. Guess he just kind of forgot.
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It's Your Mortgage, Mary!
The Isleta Casino Resort was looking for an untapped niche market, and certainly found it. How's about we prey upon people who are already deeply in debt or borderline bankrupt? CooOOOOoool.
The resort has been running commercials that recommend gambling your few remaining dollars as a way to pay bills. For example: "So, the holidays have passed, and those credit card bills just keep piling up? Well, Isleta Casino Resort comes to your rescue." View: happy lady with dollar bills being counted into her sweaty palms.
Without admitting any ethical lapses, the casino has pulled the commercials.
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Raelian Landing Strip in Queensland?
Winton, Queensland, may be the site of the latest alien touch down! Reports have it that yesterday evening a huge fireball with a flash 'like 50,000 spotlights' crashed to the earth, much to the excitement of the quiet outback town.
Nobody has reported finding the actual space ship, but if the rumbling and such that occurred last night are anything to go by, it's out there somewhere.
"There's probably is a big hole somewhere – but had this fallen on Winton we probably wouldn't be sitting here talking about it," Ms Nelms said.
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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Today in History March 31, 1889: Phallic symbol Eiffel Tower brought to completion.
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Adding Insult to Injury...er...Fatality
Back on January 3rd, 19 year old Michael Newby was shot and killed by a police officer in Louisville,KY. Michael has now been charged with trafficking in a controlled substance, assault, and carrying a concealed deadly weapon. Although he is dead, the charges had to be filed because federal regulations require updated crime reports.
Michael Newby had no comment regarding the charges.
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Just Hanging Around the Cloakroom
Jason Schoenberger is the kind of teacher you DEFINITELY want molding the young minds of our future. He wanted to play a really funny joke on one of the other teachers at PS278 in Canarsie NY, so he took a 5 year old student and hung him in a classroom closet by his belt loop. Whoo hoo! Talk about funny! Kiddo hung in the closet for a bunch of minutes before he was freed. Schoenberger was later advised that his joke was not funny by being arrested for reckless endangerment and endangering the welfare of a child.
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The Most Foolish American List has been published...and the losers are....
1. Michael Jackson (receiving the honor for the second year in a row - garnered it last year with the baby dangling incident)
2. Janet Jackson (it was agreed that she's just a boobie)
3. Martha Stewart (lost second place to Janet by a single vote!)
4. Britney Spears (that whole marriage thing...)
Also listed: Kobe Bryant (the alleged rape), Paris Hilton (the video), and GW Bush (mere existence)(10th place)
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This is Just Kind of Cool
A 59 year old man was dragged under water & knocked unconscious at Florence Falls in Litchfield Park, a favorite swimming hole surrounded by cliffs and such. A dude swimming near him noticed and managed to drag him out of the water.
Now here's the cool part. The unconscious man had to somehow get back across the dangerous, under-current-filled pool of water and get up a cliff to safety, so over 50 people made a human chain that went across the water. They floated him back across on something called a scoop stretcher, and then teams of people took turns carrying him up 140m to the top of the falls. All of them just folks out for a fun day, who came to the aid of a stranger.
Dude was then treated and released at a nearby hospital.
It's just good to see that every now and then people do something right.
Now enough of the sappy stuff...
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School District: Teacher Didn't Violate Policy In Killing Rabbits
So far it looks like Jane 'Kill the Bunny' Bender didn't break any policies or procedures when she bludgeoned two little bunnies to death with a shovel during class. She may have used poor judgment in that she did it in front of kids, but district court in Plant City FL ruled that it is accepted veterinary practice to whomp the living daylights out of poor defenseless furry creatures - it's a part of farming.
Maybe so, but I doubt if it was in the class syllabus.
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Wardrobe Defect on Nestle Aero Bars
Ananova reports that there has been a misprint on the wrappers of Nestle Aero bars: where the Best Before date goes, the words 'Shit bar' have miraculously appeared. Cooool.
As much as I don't care for the bubbly bars, I may just run out to read the wrappers - see if I get lucky enough to find a shit bar!
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All I Really Want
Alanis Morissette played God in the past (Kevin Smith's Dogma), and now she has become a minister. She took a short internet course in the whole 'closer to God than other people' thing, and now is ordained and plans to conduct same-sex marriages. Well isn't SHE a pistol?
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Adding Insult to Injury...er...Fatality
Back on January 3rd, 19 year old Michael Newby was shot and killed by a police officer in Louisville,KY. Michael has now been charged with trafficking in a controlled substance, assault, and carrying a concealed deadly weapon. Although he is dead, the charges had to be filed because federal regulations require updated crime reports.
Michael Newby had no comment regarding the charges.
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Just Hanging Around the Cloakroom
Jason Schoenberger is the kind of teacher you DEFINITELY want molding the young minds of our future. He wanted to play a really funny joke on one of the other teachers at PS278 in Canarsie NY, so he took a 5 year old student and hung him in a classroom closet by his belt loop. Whoo hoo! Talk about funny! Kiddo hung in the closet for a bunch of minutes before he was freed. Schoenberger was later advised that his joke was not funny by being arrested for reckless endangerment and endangering the welfare of a child.
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The Most Foolish American List has been published...and the losers are....
1. Michael Jackson (receiving the honor for the second year in a row - garnered it last year with the baby dangling incident)
2. Janet Jackson (it was agreed that she's just a boobie)
3. Martha Stewart (lost second place to Janet by a single vote!)
4. Britney Spears (that whole marriage thing...)
Also listed: Kobe Bryant (the alleged rape), Paris Hilton (the video), and GW Bush (mere existence)(10th place)
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This is Just Kind of Cool
A 59 year old man was dragged under water & knocked unconscious at Florence Falls in Litchfield Park, a favorite swimming hole surrounded by cliffs and such. A dude swimming near him noticed and managed to drag him out of the water.
Now here's the cool part. The unconscious man had to somehow get back across the dangerous, under-current-filled pool of water and get up a cliff to safety, so over 50 people made a human chain that went across the water. They floated him back across on something called a scoop stretcher, and then teams of people took turns carrying him up 140m to the top of the falls. All of them just folks out for a fun day, who came to the aid of a stranger.
Dude was then treated and released at a nearby hospital.
It's just good to see that every now and then people do something right.
Now enough of the sappy stuff...
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School District: Teacher Didn't Violate Policy In Killing Rabbits
So far it looks like Jane 'Kill the Bunny' Bender didn't break any policies or procedures when she bludgeoned two little bunnies to death with a shovel during class. She may have used poor judgment in that she did it in front of kids, but district court in Plant City FL ruled that it is accepted veterinary practice to whomp the living daylights out of poor defenseless furry creatures - it's a part of farming.
Maybe so, but I doubt if it was in the class syllabus.
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Wardrobe Defect on Nestle Aero Bars
Ananova reports that there has been a misprint on the wrappers of Nestle Aero bars: where the Best Before date goes, the words 'Shit bar' have miraculously appeared. Cooool.
As much as I don't care for the bubbly bars, I may just run out to read the wrappers - see if I get lucky enough to find a shit bar!
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All I Really Want
Alanis Morissette played God in the past (Kevin Smith's Dogma), and now she has become a minister. She took a short internet course in the whole 'closer to God than other people' thing, and now is ordained and plans to conduct same-sex marriages. Well isn't SHE a pistol?
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Today in History - March 30,1980 - People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) was founded by Ingrid Newkirk and Alex Pacheco. In honor of this blessed event, I propose that we each go out and have a nice steak dinner or maybe some KFC. Or maybe...Mmmm...veal…..
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I just think this is odd...
So in Pittsburgh a 15 year old girl made the somewhat foolish decision to take a bunch of sexy pics of herself & kick them out onto the internet. She sent these pics to the friendly and trustworthy people she met in internet chat rooms. Poor judgment, could be.
She is now being charged with kiddie porn: for taking those pics of herself. She's being charged with sexual abuse of children (herself), possession of child pornography (pics of herself) and dissemination of child pornography (maybe this makes sense). I wonder if she's going to end up suing herself in court for the pain and suffering she suffered...er...at her own hands.
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Is that a Firecracker in your pants or ....
Shannon Kramer, from Jacksonville FL, got in a fight with his girlfriend Sunday night. Deciding to show her who's boss, Shannon dashed to his car and got a firework he just happened to have there. Shannon lit the quick burning fuse with the intention of throwing the firework at his chickie and causing her some damage.
So sad for him that he accidentally dropped the incendiary device BETWEEN HIS LEGS where it then went off! Dude suffered burns to his legs and his nether regions and will likely think twice next time he wants to blow up a girlfriend.
If he ever has one again.
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Kill Me Once, Shame on You, Kill Me Twice…
Folks living in Marotinu de sus, Romania, are a bit irritated with their local police. See, the police are sticking their noses in where they do not belong: into the matters of vampire killers.
Vampire killing has been a tradition in this area of Romania, with most children being schooled in the proper methods or killing the undead from a very early age. So when Toma Petre's relatives dug up his corpse, ripped out his heart to burn it & then drank the ashes, they didn't think there was anything amiss.
Some background for you: vampires (according to Romanian experts) do not indiscriminately suck the blood of any old Tom, Dick, or Harry. They actually will only go after loved ones, causing said loved ones to fall ill after the vampire's original death (cause the vampire is draining their blood, see). This is what happened with Petra. He croaked, his family got sick, and so they knew he was a vampire and had to rekill him. His loving family dug up his coffin and there he was, laying on his side (proof yet again), with a heart that squeaked and jumped as it burned in the traditional iron pan (more proof: if the heart doesn't squeak after it is ripped out and burned, it's not a vampire). The family drank the cocktail of vampire ash and water and voila! They all got better!
The police are not amused, and are expecting to file charges of disturbing the peace of the dead (punishable by up to 3 years in jail). Knight Ridder reports that Flora Marinescu, Petre's sister and the wife of the rekiller believes it's a non-issue: "If they're right, he was already dead. If we're right, we killed a vampire and saved three lives. ... Is that so wrong?"
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I just think this is odd...
So in Pittsburgh a 15 year old girl made the somewhat foolish decision to take a bunch of sexy pics of herself & kick them out onto the internet. She sent these pics to the friendly and trustworthy people she met in internet chat rooms. Poor judgment, could be.
She is now being charged with kiddie porn: for taking those pics of herself. She's being charged with sexual abuse of children (herself), possession of child pornography (pics of herself) and dissemination of child pornography (maybe this makes sense). I wonder if she's going to end up suing herself in court for the pain and suffering she suffered...er...at her own hands.
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Is that a Firecracker in your pants or ....
Shannon Kramer, from Jacksonville FL, got in a fight with his girlfriend Sunday night. Deciding to show her who's boss, Shannon dashed to his car and got a firework he just happened to have there. Shannon lit the quick burning fuse with the intention of throwing the firework at his chickie and causing her some damage.
So sad for him that he accidentally dropped the incendiary device BETWEEN HIS LEGS where it then went off! Dude suffered burns to his legs and his nether regions and will likely think twice next time he wants to blow up a girlfriend.
If he ever has one again.
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Kill Me Once, Shame on You, Kill Me Twice…
Folks living in Marotinu de sus, Romania, are a bit irritated with their local police. See, the police are sticking their noses in where they do not belong: into the matters of vampire killers.
Vampire killing has been a tradition in this area of Romania, with most children being schooled in the proper methods or killing the undead from a very early age. So when Toma Petre's relatives dug up his corpse, ripped out his heart to burn it & then drank the ashes, they didn't think there was anything amiss.
Some background for you: vampires (according to Romanian experts) do not indiscriminately suck the blood of any old Tom, Dick, or Harry. They actually will only go after loved ones, causing said loved ones to fall ill after the vampire's original death (cause the vampire is draining their blood, see). This is what happened with Petra. He croaked, his family got sick, and so they knew he was a vampire and had to rekill him. His loving family dug up his coffin and there he was, laying on his side (proof yet again), with a heart that squeaked and jumped as it burned in the traditional iron pan (more proof: if the heart doesn't squeak after it is ripped out and burned, it's not a vampire). The family drank the cocktail of vampire ash and water and voila! They all got better!
The police are not amused, and are expecting to file charges of disturbing the peace of the dead (punishable by up to 3 years in jail). Knight Ridder reports that Flora Marinescu, Petre's sister and the wife of the rekiller believes it's a non-issue: "If they're right, he was already dead. If we're right, we killed a vampire and saved three lives. ... Is that so wrong?"
Monday, March 29, 2004
Today in History: March 29, 1848: Niagara Falls stopped flowing for one day due to an ice jam.
Cool.
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Early to Bed and Early to Rise (in Bed)...
Top German researcher Werner Habermehl has scientifically concluded that sex makes people more clever b/c it stimulates the brain. So the more sex you have, the more your grey matter is stimulated, and the wiser you become. Per Habermehl, ""Sex makes you more intelligent in that experiences are collected that can be used later on in areas of life not linked to sex."
Perhaps that explains why I've been sooooooooooooooooo dim for soooooooooooooooooo long.
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Whack Whack Whack
33 year old Soun Ney of Phnom Penh, Cambodia, was visited the other night by four hungry spirits. According to Reuters reports, he said unto the evil spirits, "Devils, I don't have any chicken or duck for you. If you want to eat anything, you can eat my penis!" and waved it about at them.
The cooperative spirits agreed to eat his penis, so he lopped it off with a butcher's knife.
Soun Ney is now in the hospital and the spirits are satisfied, though some nice duck really would have hit the spot.
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Always Check Your Oven Prior to Preheating.
Roxanne Perez told her friend no guns in the house. SO her friend hid his .357 in the oven, and didn't tell her it was there. So the other night as Roxanne was pre-heating her oven prior to whipping up her nutritious dinner of fish sticks, perhaps with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the gun became toasty and BA BANG shot her in the leg.
That's gotta hurt.
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Chance to be Naked with Johnny Depp!!!!
Saints be praised, he wants me! Men and women over the age of 16 who are not grotesque are needed as nekky extras in The Libertine with Johnny Depp, John Malkovich, and Samantha Morton.
"We are looking for a wide range of extras, some of whom will have to appear naked in the film. There will be full and part nudity parts required. We are also looking for people to play in crowd scenes with their clothes on," said casting director Carter.
Yeah yeah, whatever.
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Cool.
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Early to Bed and Early to Rise (in Bed)...
Top German researcher Werner Habermehl has scientifically concluded that sex makes people more clever b/c it stimulates the brain. So the more sex you have, the more your grey matter is stimulated, and the wiser you become. Per Habermehl, ""Sex makes you more intelligent in that experiences are collected that can be used later on in areas of life not linked to sex."
Perhaps that explains why I've been sooooooooooooooooo dim for soooooooooooooooooo long.
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Whack Whack Whack
33 year old Soun Ney of Phnom Penh, Cambodia, was visited the other night by four hungry spirits. According to Reuters reports, he said unto the evil spirits, "Devils, I don't have any chicken or duck for you. If you want to eat anything, you can eat my penis!" and waved it about at them.
The cooperative spirits agreed to eat his penis, so he lopped it off with a butcher's knife.
Soun Ney is now in the hospital and the spirits are satisfied, though some nice duck really would have hit the spot.
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Always Check Your Oven Prior to Preheating.
Roxanne Perez told her friend no guns in the house. SO her friend hid his .357 in the oven, and didn't tell her it was there. So the other night as Roxanne was pre-heating her oven prior to whipping up her nutritious dinner of fish sticks, perhaps with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the gun became toasty and BA BANG shot her in the leg.
That's gotta hurt.
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Chance to be Naked with Johnny Depp!!!!
Saints be praised, he wants me! Men and women over the age of 16 who are not grotesque are needed as nekky extras in The Libertine with Johnny Depp, John Malkovich, and Samantha Morton.
"We are looking for a wide range of extras, some of whom will have to appear naked in the film. There will be full and part nudity parts required. We are also looking for people to play in crowd scenes with their clothes on," said casting director Carter.
Yeah yeah, whatever.
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Sunday, March 28, 2004
Nose Mining Report
According to Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger, if you wish to be happier & healthier, you should just start picking your nose and eating it. He also recommends that children be encouraged to make use of their nose mining skills, as ultimately it renders their noses cleaner than when using just tissues and such.
In an ananova report, Dr Bischinger states: "Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.
"Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free."
According to Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger, if you wish to be happier & healthier, you should just start picking your nose and eating it. He also recommends that children be encouraged to make use of their nose mining skills, as ultimately it renders their noses cleaner than when using just tissues and such.
In an ananova report, Dr Bischinger states: "Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.
"Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free."
