Friday, September 17, 2004
Link of the day: Send Andrea to College!
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Rollin' rollin' rollin'
Baba Mohan Das, an Indian holy man, is rolling on down the highways and byways to meet up with President Pervez Musharraf. I mean it. He's rolling. 600 miles. Bumpity bump bump bump. Till he rolls right into Musharraf's doorway.
Baba has been called the Rolling Saint for ages because for years he's been rolling on the roadways, logging thousands of miles across India.
Says Baba (who won't eat during his rolls, only sips water and smokes cigarettes): "I am doing this rolling pilgrimage for world peace, end of terrorism and friendly relations between India and Pakistan."
Um. I'm moved to peace, how's about you?
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Verdict in Extreme Golfing Trial
James A Tomkins was whopped in the face by a golf ball back in 1999 at the Cumberland Golf Course in PA. The ball hit him so hard that he fell out of his golf cart. Ouch! Jimmy pressed charges against fellow golfer George Long, claiming that the injury was caused because George didn't bellow "Fore!"
It went to trial in Carlisle, PA, and the jury voted in favor of.......GEORGE!
As Georgie boy says, "When you play golf, you take a risk."
Ain't it the truth?
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Witch Invasion in Wilkes-Barre, PA!
Jake Jenkins and his family (wife and 8 kids ranging from 1 - 22 years old) have had it with the witches in their neighborhood. The witches who are out to get him. So Jake has made his 2 story home into a virtual bunker, hung a ghostbusters poster with a witch drawn instead of a ghost, surrounded his yard with protective plastic orange fencing, and has put an efficient evil-blocking totem of sorts in his front yard.
There he has a tree stump, into which he has stabbed wooden stakes: 9 are pointing up to the sky, and 7 jut out around the sides of the stump. "It's a map of the neighborhood," Jenkins said. "Each spike points to where a witch lives...There's a whole bunch that live up there," says Jake, pointing north up Waller Street.
Jake described his neighbors:
"The one up there, she drinks human blood,"
"The one ... there, she's the real high-level witch, but she's real slick."
Jake says that the cops know all about the evil witches on his block, but Police Chief Gerry Dessoye told reporters: "No one has come to me and said we have a problem with witches on Waller Street."
Neighbors also haven't noticed all the evil witches. Perhaps Chris Foote, who lives across the street from Jake, summed it up best when asked what he thought of the stump: "I don't really know what the deal is with that. They've always been weird, so I really thought nothing of it."
Jake's official comment: "I'm no fool."
--this story has quotes from the Times Leader
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Going Out of Business
Sorry to tell you, Bo Baokun's thriving 'rent a tiger' business has been shut down. Bo lives in a little village near Shenyang (China), and he's been renting out tigers that he raised from cubs. In his apartment.
He would have been fine, but he ignored his scaredy cat neighbors when they asked him to please keep his kitties someplace else. So they called the cops and had them forcibly removed and now he's in trouble with the law.
Whoops!
Another fine venture down the drain.
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Man Tries to Sue Wife for 5-Day Sex Denial
Some middle aged Spanish guy has been getting the 'not tonight, honey, I have a headache' treatment from his wife a bit too much for his tastes. In fact, he just attempted to have her charged with Domestic Abuse due to her degrading refusals to pleasure him for 5 consecutive DAYS in a row.
The judge dismissed the case.
Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Rollin' rollin' rollin'
Baba Mohan Das, an Indian holy man, is rolling on down the highways and byways to meet up with President Pervez Musharraf. I mean it. He's rolling. 600 miles. Bumpity bump bump bump. Till he rolls right into Musharraf's doorway.
Baba has been called the Rolling Saint for ages because for years he's been rolling on the roadways, logging thousands of miles across India.
Says Baba (who won't eat during his rolls, only sips water and smokes cigarettes): "I am doing this rolling pilgrimage for world peace, end of terrorism and friendly relations between India and Pakistan."
Um. I'm moved to peace, how's about you?
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Verdict in Extreme Golfing Trial
James A Tomkins was whopped in the face by a golf ball back in 1999 at the Cumberland Golf Course in PA. The ball hit him so hard that he fell out of his golf cart. Ouch! Jimmy pressed charges against fellow golfer George Long, claiming that the injury was caused because George didn't bellow "Fore!"
It went to trial in Carlisle, PA, and the jury voted in favor of.......GEORGE!
As Georgie boy says, "When you play golf, you take a risk."
Ain't it the truth?
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Witch Invasion in Wilkes-Barre, PA!
Jake Jenkins and his family (wife and 8 kids ranging from 1 - 22 years old) have had it with the witches in their neighborhood. The witches who are out to get him. So Jake has made his 2 story home into a virtual bunker, hung a ghostbusters poster with a witch drawn instead of a ghost, surrounded his yard with protective plastic orange fencing, and has put an efficient evil-blocking totem of sorts in his front yard.
There he has a tree stump, into which he has stabbed wooden stakes: 9 are pointing up to the sky, and 7 jut out around the sides of the stump. "It's a map of the neighborhood," Jenkins said. "Each spike points to where a witch lives...There's a whole bunch that live up there," says Jake, pointing north up Waller Street.
Jake described his neighbors:
"The one up there, she drinks human blood,"
"The one ... there, she's the real high-level witch, but she's real slick."
Jake says that the cops know all about the evil witches on his block, but Police Chief Gerry Dessoye told reporters: "No one has come to me and said we have a problem with witches on Waller Street."
Neighbors also haven't noticed all the evil witches. Perhaps Chris Foote, who lives across the street from Jake, summed it up best when asked what he thought of the stump: "I don't really know what the deal is with that. They've always been weird, so I really thought nothing of it."
Jake's official comment: "I'm no fool."
--this story has quotes from the Times Leader
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Going Out of Business
Sorry to tell you, Bo Baokun's thriving 'rent a tiger' business has been shut down. Bo lives in a little village near Shenyang (China), and he's been renting out tigers that he raised from cubs. In his apartment.
He would have been fine, but he ignored his scaredy cat neighbors when they asked him to please keep his kitties someplace else. So they called the cops and had them forcibly removed and now he's in trouble with the law.
Whoops!
Another fine venture down the drain.
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Man Tries to Sue Wife for 5-Day Sex Denial
Some middle aged Spanish guy has been getting the 'not tonight, honey, I have a headache' treatment from his wife a bit too much for his tastes. In fact, he just attempted to have her charged with Domestic Abuse due to her degrading refusals to pleasure him for 5 consecutive DAYS in a row.
The judge dismissed the case.
Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Thursday, September 16, 2004
Links o' the day:
Lord Mutter let me in on the news that Jack 'Suicide Joe' Kevorkian dabbled for some time creating art. Upon viewing said art , I found it somewhat disturbing. And heck, if I'm more disturbed than usual shouldn't you be as well ? Links below are to his creations as well as his descriptions thereof.
Brotherhood
War
Very Still Life
Fever
Nearer My God To Thee
For He Is Raised
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Hostage = Unexcused Absence
A 32 year old Austrian engineer was taken hostage in Iraq on August 19th. He was held by his captors for 13 days, subjected to electric shocks, burning of the flesh with cigarettes, beatings etc. Forced to swallow sleeping tablets to keep him dull, apparently dude forgot to call in and let his boss know he'd be missing work.After his release was negotiated by the Austrian Foreign Office and after his wife paid out a 30,000 ransom to the captors, dude went back to the office to work.
His mensa-candidate boss, however, has fired him for taking "an extended holiday without leave". The ex-hostage has shown his boss his scars and wounds, and the government has confirmed that he was in fact kidnapped, but his boss doesn't believe it and says tough noogies, find another job.
Yeesh.
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Tired of your Mouse? Try a Nouse!
Dmitry Gorodnichy of the Institute of Information Technology in Ottawa, Canada, has invented a computer that can be controlled via the user's nose and eyelids. Tracking software in a webcam on the computer reads the motion of the nose and the blinks of the user's eyes to determine where to generate mouse clicks. Right wink = right nouse button. Left wink = left nouse button.
This could be very useful for people with disabilities.
Unless of course the disabilities include hayfever or inability to wink.
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From Harold "we don't need no stinkin' badges" Friedline:
A Lesson in Gun Control
So 46 unarmed police officers from Paraiba, Brazil, were riding along in their bus en route to a sports competition when suddenly - from out of nowhere - two cars filled with armed robbers appeared and forced the bus to stop.
The evil doers got on the bus and helped themselves to the cops' goods: cameras, cell phones, wallets, sports uniforms, sneakers, you name it. And the cops had to let them do it because they did not have their weapons.
Word has it that the bad guys didn't know it was a bus full of good guys. That was just a pleasant surprise - the icing on the cake, as it were.
And no, they haven't been caught.
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Someone Paid Money For This Study
Alert! Alert! It has been officially determined that the bigger the nostrils, the greater the sniffing power. Julia Vent from the University of Cologne in Germany spent the past 3 years peeking up the nostrils of 95 men between 25 and 58 years old. And determined that the bigger the shnozz, the better the sniff.
There ya go.
Lord Mutter let me in on the news that Jack 'Suicide Joe' Kevorkian dabbled for some time creating art. Upon viewing said art , I found it somewhat disturbing. And heck, if I'm more disturbed than usual shouldn't you be as well ? Links below are to his creations as well as his descriptions thereof.
Brotherhood
War
Very Still Life
Fever
Nearer My God To Thee
For He Is Raised
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Hostage = Unexcused Absence
A 32 year old Austrian engineer was taken hostage in Iraq on August 19th. He was held by his captors for 13 days, subjected to electric shocks, burning of the flesh with cigarettes, beatings etc. Forced to swallow sleeping tablets to keep him dull, apparently dude forgot to call in and let his boss know he'd be missing work.After his release was negotiated by the Austrian Foreign Office and after his wife paid out a 30,000 ransom to the captors, dude went back to the office to work.
His mensa-candidate boss, however, has fired him for taking "an extended holiday without leave". The ex-hostage has shown his boss his scars and wounds, and the government has confirmed that he was in fact kidnapped, but his boss doesn't believe it and says tough noogies, find another job.
Yeesh.
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Tired of your Mouse? Try a Nouse!
Dmitry Gorodnichy of the Institute of Information Technology in Ottawa, Canada, has invented a computer that can be controlled via the user's nose and eyelids. Tracking software in a webcam on the computer reads the motion of the nose and the blinks of the user's eyes to determine where to generate mouse clicks. Right wink = right nouse button. Left wink = left nouse button.
This could be very useful for people with disabilities.
Unless of course the disabilities include hayfever or inability to wink.
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From Harold "we don't need no stinkin' badges" Friedline:
A Lesson in Gun Control
So 46 unarmed police officers from Paraiba, Brazil, were riding along in their bus en route to a sports competition when suddenly - from out of nowhere - two cars filled with armed robbers appeared and forced the bus to stop.
The evil doers got on the bus and helped themselves to the cops' goods: cameras, cell phones, wallets, sports uniforms, sneakers, you name it. And the cops had to let them do it because they did not have their weapons.
Word has it that the bad guys didn't know it was a bus full of good guys. That was just a pleasant surprise - the icing on the cake, as it were.
And no, they haven't been caught.
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Someone Paid Money For This Study
Alert! Alert! It has been officially determined that the bigger the nostrils, the greater the sniffing power. Julia Vent from the University of Cologne in Germany spent the past 3 years peeking up the nostrils of 95 men between 25 and 58 years old. And determined that the bigger the shnozz, the better the sniff.
There ya go.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
And Really, Who Hasn't Thought of This at Least Once?
Halima Mullick nagged her husband one too many times this past week. After her last spiteful words to him about his pitiful income, hubby Enadul dragged her by the hair into the kitchen. There he grabbed a cleaver and chopped off her tongue.
Enadul has confessed to the assault, as his wife is in the hospital 'fighting for her life'.
Halima had no comment.
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Halima Mullick nagged her husband one too many times this past week. After her last spiteful words to him about his pitiful income, hubby Enadul dragged her by the hair into the kitchen. There he grabbed a cleaver and chopped off her tongue.
Enadul has confessed to the assault, as his wife is in the hospital 'fighting for her life'.
Halima had no comment.
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Don't Forget To Tip Your Waitresses
Humberto A Taveras and a bunch of his friends went to dine at Soprano's Italian and American Grill the other night. The service wasn't great, and the food not so fabulous, so Humberto and his buddies left an insult tip: 10% of the bill rather than the suggested 18% for large parties.
Management was not pleased with this deviation from the norm and thusly advised the Taveras party. "They chased us down like a bunch of criminals," Humberto said. "It killed our weekend."
Restaurant owner Joe "yo joey" Soprano said that it is clearly noted in multiple places that the recommended gratuity is 18% and that "It's unfortunate it has come to this, but this guy was rude and abrasive. They practically threw food at us."
Not wise to be rude and abrasive to Joey Soprano. The Taveras party has been arrested and charged with the misdemeanor crime of "theft of services".
Joey states that the only reason he is going forward with the charges is because Humberto's group was 'obnoxious'. It is not the money, but the respect that is in question.
Humberto A Taveras and a bunch of his friends went to dine at Soprano's Italian and American Grill the other night. The service wasn't great, and the food not so fabulous, so Humberto and his buddies left an insult tip: 10% of the bill rather than the suggested 18% for large parties.
Management was not pleased with this deviation from the norm and thusly advised the Taveras party. "They chased us down like a bunch of criminals," Humberto said. "It killed our weekend."
Restaurant owner Joe "yo joey" Soprano said that it is clearly noted in multiple places that the recommended gratuity is 18% and that "It's unfortunate it has come to this, but this guy was rude and abrasive. They practically threw food at us."
Not wise to be rude and abrasive to Joey Soprano. The Taveras party has been arrested and charged with the misdemeanor crime of "theft of services".
Joey states that the only reason he is going forward with the charges is because Humberto's group was 'obnoxious'. It is not the money, but the respect that is in question.
Family Dinner in Zambia
A hunter was out doing his thing (hunting) in Milambo, Zambia, when he came across a large mammal eating a corpse from a local graveyard. Yucky, but not outlandish? HA!
The large mammal was the dead guy's grandfather, who had exhumed the body (buried since July), cooked the flesh in a pot, and started chowing down on his grandson.
Police say Grandpa never showed any history of insanity, and they don't know just why he decided to eat kiddo.
Grandpa has been charged with 'interfering with a dead body' as well as trespassing in the graveyard.
Interfering with what? Decomposition?
A hunter was out doing his thing (hunting) in Milambo, Zambia, when he came across a large mammal eating a corpse from a local graveyard. Yucky, but not outlandish? HA!
The large mammal was the dead guy's grandfather, who had exhumed the body (buried since July), cooked the flesh in a pot, and started chowing down on his grandson.
Police say Grandpa never showed any history of insanity, and they don't know just why he decided to eat kiddo.
Grandpa has been charged with 'interfering with a dead body' as well as trespassing in the graveyard.
Interfering with what? Decomposition?
Links o' the Day:
Have fun. Make GW and JK say whatever you like. Silly.
http://www.george-says.com/
http://www.john-says.com/
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Gun Control Arguments
FYI to those of you who live under rocks and have no access to any media or human interaction: The Assault Weapons Ban of 1994 expired yesterday .
Shockingly, the world is still turning today and I, for one, was not gunned down on my way to work.
However, I've really been thinking. About arguments FOR gun control.
And and and...well, I believe this website sums up the top 40 arguments quite well.
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Grandma Dies of Shock From Joke Gift
A 70 something grandma in China received a special gift from her 11 year old grandson in honor of Teacher's Day last Saturday.
The little guy had run out and spent all of his pocket money on a realistic plastic severed head and lovingly gift wrapped it for her.
Grandma opened it, got all scared, and died of a stroke on the spot.
Whoops.
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BASE Jumper Arrested after Jumping Btwn North and South America
Felix Baumgartner, the dude who became the first person to cross the English Channel in freefall back in July 2003, is in trouble. Dude did a rocking BASE jump off of the the 330-foot Puente de Las Americas, a bridge that connects North and South America. As soon as he landed, BAM, the cuffs were on and he was tossed into the slammer by unamused Panama officials.
He and his photographer are stuck in jail in Panama, with passports and rigs confiscated by officials.
I don't think he minds, though. He seems to enjoy pushing the envelope. Check out this website for further adventures: http://www.extremedreams.co.uk/pink%20gnome/Felix%20B/
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Stody Shoughs Thut Cumpany Employs Cunt Right Gud.
Their was a cummission farmed two study righting skils of US werkers and thay find out that lots uf peoples cun't right so gud and don’t no wear its going to.
This grup called the Busness Roundtble studyd cumpanes in minning, cunstroction, manufuckturing, transportion,servises, and finanse, unsurance and reel estat. Thay find that a thrid of peoples wernt gud righters.
Wears this werld going to?
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I Double Dog Dare You!
Paul Goudy was at a restaurant in Harrisburg, PA last January when his buddy dared him to yank a hairpiece off of an unsuspecting customer's head. Paul was game for it. Went up, ripped it off (along with a gold chain from around the bald man's neck), and collected his $100 from his buddy for doing the dare.
Baldy took him to court, and now Paul has been sentenced to 23 months' probation, been fined $500 and has to write a letter of apology to Baldy.
Expensive, but funny, eh?
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Have fun. Make GW and JK say whatever you like. Silly.
http://www.george-says.com/
http://www.john-says.com/
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Gun Control Arguments
FYI to those of you who live under rocks and have no access to any media or human interaction: The Assault Weapons Ban of 1994 expired yesterday .
Shockingly, the world is still turning today and I, for one, was not gunned down on my way to work.
However, I've really been thinking. About arguments FOR gun control.
And and and...well, I believe this website sums up the top 40 arguments quite well.
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Grandma Dies of Shock From Joke Gift
A 70 something grandma in China received a special gift from her 11 year old grandson in honor of Teacher's Day last Saturday.
The little guy had run out and spent all of his pocket money on a realistic plastic severed head and lovingly gift wrapped it for her.
Grandma opened it, got all scared, and died of a stroke on the spot.
Whoops.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
BASE Jumper Arrested after Jumping Btwn North and South America
Felix Baumgartner, the dude who became the first person to cross the English Channel in freefall back in July 2003, is in trouble. Dude did a rocking BASE jump off of the the 330-foot Puente de Las Americas, a bridge that connects North and South America. As soon as he landed, BAM, the cuffs were on and he was tossed into the slammer by unamused Panama officials.
He and his photographer are stuck in jail in Panama, with passports and rigs confiscated by officials.
I don't think he minds, though. He seems to enjoy pushing the envelope. Check out this website for further adventures: http://www.extremedreams.co.uk/pink%20gnome/Felix%20B/
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Stody Shoughs Thut Cumpany Employs Cunt Right Gud.
Their was a cummission farmed two study righting skils of US werkers and thay find out that lots uf peoples cun't right so gud and don’t no wear its going to.
This grup called the Busness Roundtble studyd cumpanes in minning, cunstroction, manufuckturing, transportion,servises, and finanse, unsurance and reel estat. Thay find that a thrid of peoples wernt gud righters.
Wears this werld going to?
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I Double Dog Dare You!
Paul Goudy was at a restaurant in Harrisburg, PA last January when his buddy dared him to yank a hairpiece off of an unsuspecting customer's head. Paul was game for it. Went up, ripped it off (along with a gold chain from around the bald man's neck), and collected his $100 from his buddy for doing the dare.
Baldy took him to court, and now Paul has been sentenced to 23 months' probation, been fined $500 and has to write a letter of apology to Baldy.
Expensive, but funny, eh?
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