Daily Drivel

Link of the Moment: http://www.batmobilehistory.com/index.html For those who've been wondering.

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Update on the Chicago Underpass Virgin Mary

Folks in Chicago are in mourning now that the Virgin Mary can no longer be seen on one of their expressway underpasses.

Victor Gonzalez got sick and tired of the stream of people leaving prayers and flowers in front of the salt runoff stain, so he scrawled 'Big Lie' across the holy stain.

The Department of Transportation then painted over the whole mess and now people are gathering at the site to express their sorrow.

So sad. So very, very sad.

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Gregory Alston was VERY upset Tuesday morning when he saw that the white Nissan Maxima he parked outside of his apartment building had been stolen. Heck, his wallet was in it and everything!

So Greg quickly called the police to report the car missing.

So sad that Greg apparently forgot how HE came to be driving said car: he stole it at gunpoint two weeks prior! Turns out that the victim recognized the car and had police tow it from the apartment complex's parking lot.

Greg is now being held on charges of armed robbery, possession of a stolen car, and a handgun violation.

Bummer he can't be brought up on charges of just being stupid.

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Finders Keepers

So by now I'm sure you heard about Clarence Stowers, the dude who found a severed finger in his frozen custard in Wilmington NC. Unlike the stupid Wendy's lady's hoax, this was the real deal: shop owner Brandon Fizer had indeed lopped off his finger to the top knuckle while using the custard machine.

Clarence stomped back to the custard stand within 30 minutes of finding the offending digit, and was asked for the finger back, so it could be re-attached to Brandon's hand.

NOPE! Clarence, desperate to keep his 15 minutes of fame intact, refused to return the finger tip and hid it in his freezer, only bringing it out occasionally to display to the media. He even refused the pleas of a surgeon who was trying to assist Brandon.

Clarence has now transferred the location of the digit to another secret spot: "I'm not saying who has it, but somebody has it," the wily man said in a recent phone interview. He is retaining it due to fear of disease that he may have contracted from the stub.

Official statement from the Custard company:

"The general manager attempted to retrieve it and rush it to the hospital," reads a statement posted Thursday on Kohl's Web site. "Unfortunately, the customer refused to give it to her and declared that he would be calling the TV stations and an attorney as he exited the store."

Interesting side note: this is the second time in less than a year that this particular frozen custard machine lopped off a finger. I'm thinking it's possessed. Perhaps we'll soon hear of an exorcism at the custard stand!

Today in History: May 3 1988 The White House confirms stories that President Ronald Reagan's travel and public appearances are scheduled around astrological data furnished by a mystic in San Francisco. The astrologer also supplies input to the timing of critical international events, such as a recent arms control summit in Iceland. -dailyrotten

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Announcement of Short Term Reorganization

As readers of this missive may have noticed, there has been a severe lack of contributions from one Glenn McMillen. In fact, there has been silence since his awkward obsession with new hit Broadway shows was revealed.

In light of his reduced contributions and the escalating quantity and quality of contributions by Lord Mutter, there has been a temporary reorganization of staff. Until redeeming himself, Glenn will be known as Broadway Buff McMillen, and Lord Mutter has been elevated yet higher to Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent and Lord of All Else Mutter.

A rather unwieldy title, if I do say so myself.

This decision was made strictly on the basis of contributions and has nothing to do with the more than 2400 emails received today from CMCLAEMutter and my fear of more severe repercussions if I do not give in to his terrorist tactics. Nothing at all.

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Link of the day: Runaway Bride Kit on eBay! Hurry before it’s taken down!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=20924&item=5577585474&rd=1

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Tow of Horror

A Polish tourist in Germany was impressed by the friendliness of a German motorist who pulled over to help him after his car broke down. The German offered to tow the Pole to the next service station. How nice, eh?

So the Pole hitched his car up to the German's auto and climbed back into his own driver's seat to be able to cautiously control his vehicle while being towed.

Just a few minutes after starting up, though, the German floored it, dragging the hapless pole down the highway at speeds upwards of 100mph! Wheeeeeeeee!

They whipped around numerous other cars, and only stopped when the German slammed into a construction site.

So kids, don't accept rides (or tows) from strangers.

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So a few weeks ago I enlightened you to the wonders of automatic kitty litter boxes. Well today Lord Mutter provides the following important update in poop management:

THE LITTER KWITTER

Australian mom Jo Lapidge has developed a potty training system designed for the feline in your life.

It is a three-step process, involving a progression of a little kitty potty from its place on the floor next to the loo, up to the lid of the hopper, and ultimately balanced on the toilet seat itself. The progression includes various color-coded discs with ever-widening openings to allow the cat product to ultimately disappear into the toilet bowl to be flushed with no muss/no fuss.

Jo's lovable Burmese cat Doogal took approximately 2 months to be properly potty trained.

"Doogal has fallen in, but he hasn't fallen in by accident, he has done it playing with the water,"

Yeah. PLAYING with the water. That's it.

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Lord Mutter strikes again, with this important political update:

President Lopez

Jennifer Lopez has decided that she'd "like to become the first female president -- that would be really cool."

Her platform would include increasing comfort levels: "The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House -- it doesn't look very cozy."

Go Jen -- you'd be a cool president, indeed! And Marc Anthony would be a fab first man.

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Link of the Day: http://www.jebodiah.50megs.com/

Hiz nayum iz Jebodiah n he be smrut. Yep. From his 'thenkin page':

March, 16, 2005

i climbd a billbord agin the othir nite an i was drunk and fell off. the ambelince an cops came and tuck me to work. that suckt. i was drunk an hirt and they tuck me to werk. i got off the bed an startid sweapin an the boss yeled at me an toad me to go back to bed.

Good stuff, man! Gripping, truly gripping…

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Snow Men

Brandon Arp and Aric Davenport took advantage of the late April snowfall in Laramie Wisc to erect a large snow-phallus in their front yard. Neighbors found the 'art' to be offensive and destroyed it.

Now Brandon (20) and Aric (18) face charges of promoting obscenity, though Aric's lawyer says it's really not clear how the sculpture was obscene.

So sad no pictures were taken before the bullies knocked it down.

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Miss Jumbo Queen Crowned

There was a big ol' beauty pageant in Nakhon Pathom (Thailand) this year: the Miss Jumbo Queen competition. It was held at the Samphran Elephant Ground and Zoo, and pulled in 24 sizeable contestants.

The winner this year was 242lb 18-year-old Tarnrarin Chansawang, described by the media as "a bubbly business student and tuba player from Bangkok."

Tarn says "I want to show people that just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm any less beautiful or talented." Tarn competed with a mesmerizing dance number.

Also of note: a side award of "Miss Jumbo Universe" went to the heaviest competitor at the pagent, the 401 lb Thanchanok Mekkeaw.

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Mmmmmmmm Chocolate

Ever wanted to know what it feels like to be a chocolate covered strawberry? Go to the Four Seasons Hotel George V spa in Paris and you can find out!

Beauty treatments include a Toffee Chocolate Wrap and a Deep Chocolate Massage. Seeing it as a rejection of the whole "chocolate is bad" health craze, women can be drenched in the delicacy and treated to a 2 1/2 hour scrub, wrap, massage treatment for a mere $400!

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Danger Danger!

911 was called Thursday after someone a suspicious-looking student entering Marshall Junior High School in Clovis, NM. The student was reported as carrying something long, and wrapped up, which likely was a weapon of some sort.

The school was put on lock-down, and the students herded into the auditorium. There the principal explained what was going on. Eighth-grader Michael Morrissey realized quickly that he, in fact, was the suspicious student.

He approached the principal to explain that what likely was causing the panic was his extra-credit assignment: "We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos,"

Yes, indeed, it was his 30" burrito that was causing the troubles. The steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapeno-filled tortilla was determined to be no risk to students, except perhaps in a gastronomical way.

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Finally, Dave Matthews Band Settles Over Waste Dump Incident

Remember last August when said bus driver dumped 80 - 100 gallons of human waste over the Kinzie Street Bridge in Chicago? And the poo et al landed on hapless tourists floating under said bridge on a tour boat?

Well, at least the state battle is done: Davey will pay $200,000 to Chicago, which will be put into a fund for environmental protection and education. The band also has to keep meticulous records regarding the dumping of their waste. "The case sends a message that no one, not a rock star, no one, is above the law."

Dave and buddies still have at least 3 private civil suits pending against them, filed by the upset dumpees.

Hm.