Daily Drivel

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Link of the Day: This is your first meeting with an un-Earthly non-human entity: an Extraterrestrial (ET).

If you handle it well, you will be the greatest hero alive, and be able to make a fortune selling your story to the media. If you blow it, the repercussions could be unimaginably terrible, perhaps an interstellar war that could annihilate humanity.

Feeling a little stressed out? Rule Number One: DON'T PANIC. Just follow these simple guidelines, and all will be well. http://www.adrr.com/lingua/alien.htm

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The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

In Tennessee, if a kid is truant, the parents have to answer for it. In Knox County this past Tuesday, there was a meeting for 582 parents of truant kids -- only 340 or so showed up.

One woman kind of showed up. Cecelia Donaldson went to the school building where the meeting was held, but refused to go inside to listen to county officials. Cece said, " I don't want to hear what Randy Nichols has to say." So she didn't. This whole situation has greatly upset her, though. Upon receiving the letter requesting her presence "I sat down and I ate three Mr. Goodbars because I was so angry."

I feel your rage, Cece, I feel your rage.

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Acupuncture patient left in the dark
--straight from ananova

A German woman suffered a bad case of pins and needles when staff at an acupuncture clinic forgot about her and went home.

The 25-year-old woman, who has not been named, was lying on a treatment bed behind a screen with needles in her body when the lights went out.

"At first I thought the lights had been turned out to help with the relaxation, but then I heard the front door being locked and everything went silent," she told local media in Karlsruhe.

After her calls for help went unheeded, she said she had no choice but to remove the needles herself before calling emergency services.

"I now know why people are not recommended to try acupuncture at home, it hurts considerably more to take the pins out yourself," she said.

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Totally Weird

Prisoners in the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center are dropping like flies, and are hoping that yesterday's exorcism of the building will work. Father John Llacuno was called in to clean out the evil spirits after prisoners were reported to be dying after seeing black cats or black dogs roaming inside the prison walls. Upon visiting the prison, Fr John did declare it to be 'cursed'.

Prisoners have also awoken from deep sleeps to find their heads wedged between their cell's iron bars, or body parts distorted in bizarre ways. The infirmary at the prison is chock full of folks who have been abused by evil spirits.

Officials have tried to allay prisoners' fears, but analyzing footage taken by security cameras. They have determined that the evil spooky black cat is a stray that comes in to eat leftover food. However, the cameras have also picked up a strange white light that flies from cell to cell, a light that looks like a dove, and something that looks like a footprint moving quickly on the ground. Where the lights have been at night, the inmates are ill the next day.

oooooOOOOOooooooo

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The Buzzzzzzzz

Yet another terror scenario caused by a box in a post office vibrating and making odd noises. This time in Germany the postal employees got quite skittish and ended up phoning the cops. The cops got the sender of the package to come on down to the post office.

Upon investigation, it was found that there was a vibrating electrical device strategically placed inside a life sized female sex doll.

Dude was returning the toy to the maker, because it kept turning itself on at the wrong moment.
Hee hee.

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Follow up

Pacemaker Returned

Back in January, James Allan Donalson's mom croaked. Because he had been having a fight with the medical supplier of her (apparently faulty) pacemaker, Jimmy carved it out of her cold dead chest so he could keep it.

Texas authorities didn't really like that, and so they pressed evidence tampering charges against him.
So now, after 2 months, Jimmy has relented, and returned the pacemaker (cleaned). The charges have been dropped.

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Firefighter Doesn't Rescue Kitty

Christopher Cortes, a firefighter from Deerfield Beach FL, doesn't much like Mr. Kibbles, a black cat owned by his next-door neighbor, Nancy Leonard.

The bad kitty scratches his pickup truck on a regular basis. So when Mr. Kibbles disappeared a few weeks ago, Nancy knew just who was to blame. Nancy says that Chris admitted stealing Mr Kibbles, driving him far away, and dumping him in the Everglades.

Bummer for Chris. 13 days later, the damned cat is back. But even though Mr. Kibbles is safe and sound, Nancy thinks that Chris should be punished. As she says, "I think he should definitely be fired. He is a firefighter and I think it's horrible that a firefighter -- you know you go to a house and see a firefighter dumping a cat instead of taking it out of a tree."

Ah, what a coherent and well-phrased argument, Nancy.

Today in History: March 16, 1949 Erik "Ponch" Estrada was born. See Erik now! Still got those teeth! http://www.krxy.com/Images/Artists/erikestrada.jpg

Also, March 16, 1994, former petite figure skater Tonya Harding was arrested for obstruction of prosecution in the Nancy Kerrigan Knee Bashing debacle. See Tonya now! SCARY! http://media.mnginteractive.com/media/paper210/031504_harding.jpg

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Link of the Day: From the presurfer: "Amaztype is a typographic book search generator using Amazon web services.
You decide what to use (books, music or video/dvd), type in a word and that word will be generated out of book or music covers that contain that particular word." http://amaztype.tha.jp/ Kind of slow, but you can have fun typing in dirty words n stuff hee hee hee.

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Important news flash: Looking for a fun night out? Here's a great suggestion received today from Chief Mid Atlantic Correspondent of the Moment and Apparent Man About Town Glenn McMillen:

Spamalot the musical is coming and it will star Tim Curry! It also has David Hyde Pierce and Hank Azaria.
Going to play in Chicago and then come to Broadway.

http://www.montypythonsspamalot.com/

Articles
http://www.playbill.com/news/article/84680.html

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Well, this is a shocker.

FHM has made it official. Well, at least the German edition. FHM (For Him Magazine, for those who have been living under a rock) has proclaimed Camilla Parker-Bowles to be the winner of the coveted 'Least Sexy' title.

This is a fabulous accomplishment for Cammy, as last year she only ranked third on the list.

I'm thinking it's the horrid red dress that pushed her over the top.

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Girl Scouts Robbed

Evil Ohioans. Some adorable little girl scouts were outside of a Kroger in Columbus, OH, selling their demonic cookie wares. A lying fool came up to them and said he had never bought girl scout cookies before. (Right) As the kids explained to him about the wonders of Thin Mints, dude reached over and grabbed their envelope of $320 and then ran off.

Girls cried and shouted. Troop leaders were aghast. Krogers employees and customers alike were outraged. How were the girls to get to summer camp now, without the $320???

So Krogers took up a collection, to show the truly caring nature of the outraged people there.

The girls have no idea what they will do with the whopping $25 that was collected.

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Marmite ads banned

A television ad for Marmite has been pulled from airwaves during children's shows because the scary commercials are terrifying children throughout the UK. In the commercials, people are chased and apparently consumed by a giant blob of Marmite. Word is that children are now refusing to sit down in front of the telly and stare blankly at it, due to their enormous fear. And we can't have THAT, now, CAN we??

Marmite is a dark brown-colored savory spread made from the yeast that is a by-product of the brewing industry. For more information and pictures, feel free to click this link: http://www.spurgeon.org/~phil/marmite.htm#whatis

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Tumbling Clown Injures Canadian

Maria Miller went to Cirque du Soleil with grand expectations of amazing feats of flexibility and other circus type stuff.

Imagine her surprise when a clown tumbled across the stage and onto her, causing distress and "numerous soft-tissue injuries" (translated: she got a bruise). The rather robust clown was supposed to stop, but momentum got the best of him.

Maria is suing for personal injuries, income loss, and expenses incurred as a result of the clownroll gone awry.

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The Great Shoe Mystery

Jason and Claire Foster live in a farmhouse out in Lincolnshire and have, of late, been victimized by a suspicious pair of shoe droppers. The Fosters have even caught the strange act on video: it appears that the shoe people are an elderly couple driving a green vehicle. We know nothing more.

Shoes have been appearing in sets of one to four pairs at least once a week since December. Sunday is the primary shoe delivery day. Says a council environment official who is investigating the situation: "Sometimes it's odd ones, sometimes it's a couple of pairs. But they're of all shapes and sizes. There has even been pairs of roller blades...There must have been more than 30 pairs so far - it's been going on for months."

I wonder if the shoes are at least fashionable?

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Sometimes, Less is More

Poor Michael Gruber thought he was pleasing his woman. Back a while ago, Mikey lost his wingding during a biking accident, and since then has been making due with a doctor-constructed item. This MacGyver-ed tool worked just fine for him and for his wife, even allowing them to create offspring.

Mikey wasn't satisfied though, and asked docs to return to the drawing board and prep him a bigger and better manstaff. Docs agreed, but explained to him that to ensure that all went well, they would have to keep organ #1 in place while organ #2 proved it was up to the task and would not be rejected by his body. Mike agreed.

While the new member was not rejected by his body, his wife Bianca was less forgiving. She took one look at the dynamic duo, packed her bags, and left.

Says the despondent Mikey: "I've got two penises but no wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of one of the penises I will get her back."

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Are Greyhounds Dogs? Kansas Says No

FYI: Kansas law has confirmed: contrary to popular belief, the greyhound is not in fact a dog. It is no longer to be protected as a pet once the creature crosses state lines.

A greyhound breeder, Kevin Neuman of Overland Park, Kansas, states: "They're definitely a dog. They're a great dog."

The National Greyhound Association disagrees, stating the greyhounds are not primarily bred for pets and therefore are not dogs.

They did NOT, however, define what these creatures actually are.

I'm just so confused.

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It's a Tumor!

Trevor Smithson kept going to the doctors at the Royal Berkshire Hospital with various complaints. They all told him he was just fat and to lose weight. He was able to lose that weight quite quickly recently, when he finally went to the Royal Marsden Hospital in London.

There they discovered a 56 pound tumor that had been hiding in his body over 9 years and 3 operations.

So now the tumor is out, Trevor is lighter, and - of course - preparing to sue the health system.

No news as to whether or not Trevor named his tumor.

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YAY! Digit Loppage!

Park Kyung-ja and Cho Seung-kyu were at a protest in Seoul, being all angry and stuff about Tokyo claiming ownership of some islands that Park and Cho say are Korean. The protest was a HUGE success, drawing a crowd of approximately sixteen (16) angry Koreans.

Somehow they decided that a great way to make Tokyo stay hands-off in the struggle was to lop off their fingers. So they did. Chop Chop Chop.

Amazingly, neither their choppage or the shouts of their 14 friends seemed to have any impact upon the political talks regarding the uninhabited volcanic islands.

Who would've thought?

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Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch...That'll Show Em!

A 20-something chick from Paraguay is really upset about the level of street violence in her city. So she took the only logical step the other day: she went shopping at the Mercado 4 market topless.

Says chickie: "It was a difficult decision but I think that this is the most natural way of protesting."

Well then. Yes. Yes it is.

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