Thursday, July 29, 2004
**********************
Dog Catches Car
Many a dog has chased down a car driving down the road. The thrill of the chase, and all that. Well, there's a dog in Amite, LA, who has less motivation. This pup attacked a parked silver Ford Mustang convertible (HI WILL!!!).
Tan Puppy attacked the big tough sleeping car in the car's driveway, chewing up the windshield wipers, the hood hinge covers, and leaving big mean teeth marks on the cars molding. There were also big scratches on the car's body and saliva dripping from the car.
The dog fled the scene and has not been apprehended.
********************
Hey Kids, Look! You Can Undress the President!
http://www.iundress.com/candidates.html
Interesting site. Like paper dolls. Only not.
******************
Stupid Is as Stupid Does
Jesse Bryant, a smarter-than-average-guy-if-he-does-say-so-himself, strolled on up to a police officer in Louisiana the other day. Just shootin' the sh*t, you know. Talking about how stupid some people out there are.
Then the officer noticed the plastic bag of marijuana sticking out of Jesse's pocket. As Jesse handed it over, the officer reportedly asked "What was that you were saying about stupid people?"
"The deputy then went out to deal with more 'stupid people', most of whom aren't as helpful as Mr Bryant in exposing their own misdeeds," a sheriff's office spokesman said.
************************
SEC Investigating Krispy Kreme
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. announced Thursday that the Securities and Exchange Commission was conducting an inquiry into the company's accounting practices, and that they are cooperating fully.
"Krispy Kreme has no higher priority than the confidence of our shareholders, customers and employees. While we are confident in our practices, we understand and respect the SEC's responsibilities and will continue to cooperate fully throughout this process," said Scott Livengood, Krispy Kreme's chairman, president and chief executive officer.
It's because of the drinkable donuts. They're an insult and an abomination, and Krispy Kreme must be stopped.
*****************
Lucky Bunny Blast a Bust
Nick Sigmon(18) and his buddy Paul Collins (the elder of the two, 20) had a really cool idea the other day.
--What would happen if we tied an M-1000 firecracker to our pet bunny (named Lucky) and threw the explosive rabbit into Lake Don Castro (Castro Valley, CA)?!?!?!--
Nick even brought his camera and took pics (which he posted on his website...I can't find the site, if anyone out there can, let me know!!).
But shortly after launching the rabbit into the lake, Nick fished her out 'cause he decided that maybe it wasn't a good idea and maybe Lucky would drown or something.
Asked why he did it, Nick said, "Um, that's a real tough question to answer. I think that a lot of people are judging us without knowing us at all."
I think the correct answer is "Because I'm dumber than a bag of hammers."
Dog Catches Car
Many a dog has chased down a car driving down the road. The thrill of the chase, and all that. Well, there's a dog in Amite, LA, who has less motivation. This pup attacked a parked silver Ford Mustang convertible (HI WILL!!!).
Tan Puppy attacked the big tough sleeping car in the car's driveway, chewing up the windshield wipers, the hood hinge covers, and leaving big mean teeth marks on the cars molding. There were also big scratches on the car's body and saliva dripping from the car.
The dog fled the scene and has not been apprehended.
********************
Hey Kids, Look! You Can Undress the President!
http://www.iundress.com/candidates.html
Interesting site. Like paper dolls. Only not.
******************
Stupid Is as Stupid Does
Jesse Bryant, a smarter-than-average-guy-if-he-does-say-so-himself, strolled on up to a police officer in Louisiana the other day. Just shootin' the sh*t, you know. Talking about how stupid some people out there are.
Then the officer noticed the plastic bag of marijuana sticking out of Jesse's pocket. As Jesse handed it over, the officer reportedly asked "What was that you were saying about stupid people?"
"The deputy then went out to deal with more 'stupid people', most of whom aren't as helpful as Mr Bryant in exposing their own misdeeds," a sheriff's office spokesman said.
************************
SEC Investigating Krispy Kreme
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. announced Thursday that the Securities and Exchange Commission was conducting an inquiry into the company's accounting practices, and that they are cooperating fully.
"Krispy Kreme has no higher priority than the confidence of our shareholders, customers and employees. While we are confident in our practices, we understand and respect the SEC's responsibilities and will continue to cooperate fully throughout this process," said Scott Livengood, Krispy Kreme's chairman, president and chief executive officer.
It's because of the drinkable donuts. They're an insult and an abomination, and Krispy Kreme must be stopped.
*****************
Lucky Bunny Blast a Bust
Nick Sigmon(18) and his buddy Paul Collins (the elder of the two, 20) had a really cool idea the other day.
--What would happen if we tied an M-1000 firecracker to our pet bunny (named Lucky) and threw the explosive rabbit into Lake Don Castro (Castro Valley, CA)?!?!?!--
Nick even brought his camera and took pics (which he posted on his website...I can't find the site, if anyone out there can, let me know!!).
But shortly after launching the rabbit into the lake, Nick fished her out 'cause he decided that maybe it wasn't a good idea and maybe Lucky would drown or something.
Asked why he did it, Nick said, "Um, that's a real tough question to answer. I think that a lot of people are judging us without knowing us at all."
I think the correct answer is "Because I'm dumber than a bag of hammers."
Monday, July 26, 2004
Today in History: July 26th, 1947: The National Security Council is created. Whoo hoo!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Teresa Heinz Kerry: Do as I Say, Not as I Do
HaHA! Teresa Heinz Kerry, John's wife, was at a Democratic shin dig schtumping for the man who would be prez. But she kind of sent some mixed messages.
During her speech, she told the Kerryites that it was important for Democrats to "turn back some of the creeping, un-Pennsylvanian and sometimes un-American traits that are coming into some of our politics."
A reporter from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review leaped upon her use of the phrase 'un-American' (which was, by the way, broadcast all over morning television) and asked her just what she meant by that. She repeatedly denied using such a term.
She turned away, and then inexplicably turned back. Stabbing her finger the reporter's general direction, Terry snarled: "You said something I didn't say, now SHOVE IT."
Way to go, Terry. Kinder, gentler...uh huh...
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
What's He Doing Up There?
Note: prior to protesting something, make sure people can tell what it IS that you are protesting.
A guy from Chile apparently thought he could change the world by dangling himself off of a balcony at the JW Marriott hotel in Miami. So he tied a rope around his waist and hung off the side of the building for a while, waving a sign that read: "Say no to tourism until Florida stops discrimination of tourists."'
Sadly, being up on the 20th floor of the hotel, his sign couldn't be read from below.
After about 3 hours, the cops and firefolks were able to convince dude to crawl back into the hotel room. He's now being observed to determine if he might have a couple of screws loose.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The mayor of Florissant, Colorado, is an ass.
Really. Voted in for a second term was Paco Bell, a donkey. Folks in this here part of the nation don't go fer that whole 'election thang' and think it might be just about the stupidest thing they ever done heard of. So they done nominated 4 donkeys. Paco Bell's ballot box was stuffed with donations from the Pikes Peak Historical Society, so he done won. Birdie, a white donkey, came in second. The other two critters were no-shows: "We had one who was colicky, so he couldn't make it, and another one's trailer broke down, so he couldn't come either," said organizer Tracie Bennitt.
Yeeeee haw!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Post Divorce Cha Ching!
Randy Fletcher has been having a bad year.
In January, he found his wife in bed with a neighbor when he arrived home unexpectedly.
March came and a deer slammed into his 1956 Chevy, killing the car.
Along came May, and his german shepherd was diagnosed with cancer and was put down.
July 15th his divorce from his cheating wife was finalized, and he had lost his life savings to the wench.
July 17th, he won a MILLION DOLLARS in a state lottery! Sure, it breaks down to a bit under 300,000 after taxes and stuff, but hey - talk about some good luck! And it's aaaallll his. So there. He's gonna get himself a new motorcycle, a new pup, and then take a vacation.
Go Randy!
*********************************
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Teresa Heinz Kerry: Do as I Say, Not as I Do
HaHA! Teresa Heinz Kerry, John's wife, was at a Democratic shin dig schtumping for the man who would be prez. But she kind of sent some mixed messages.
During her speech, she told the Kerryites that it was important for Democrats to "turn back some of the creeping, un-Pennsylvanian and sometimes un-American traits that are coming into some of our politics."
A reporter from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review leaped upon her use of the phrase 'un-American' (which was, by the way, broadcast all over morning television) and asked her just what she meant by that. She repeatedly denied using such a term.
She turned away, and then inexplicably turned back. Stabbing her finger the reporter's general direction, Terry snarled: "You said something I didn't say, now SHOVE IT."
Way to go, Terry. Kinder, gentler...uh huh...
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
What's He Doing Up There?
Note: prior to protesting something, make sure people can tell what it IS that you are protesting.
A guy from Chile apparently thought he could change the world by dangling himself off of a balcony at the JW Marriott hotel in Miami. So he tied a rope around his waist and hung off the side of the building for a while, waving a sign that read: "Say no to tourism until Florida stops discrimination of tourists."'
Sadly, being up on the 20th floor of the hotel, his sign couldn't be read from below.
After about 3 hours, the cops and firefolks were able to convince dude to crawl back into the hotel room. He's now being observed to determine if he might have a couple of screws loose.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The mayor of Florissant, Colorado, is an ass.
Really. Voted in for a second term was Paco Bell, a donkey. Folks in this here part of the nation don't go fer that whole 'election thang' and think it might be just about the stupidest thing they ever done heard of. So they done nominated 4 donkeys. Paco Bell's ballot box was stuffed with donations from the Pikes Peak Historical Society, so he done won. Birdie, a white donkey, came in second. The other two critters were no-shows: "We had one who was colicky, so he couldn't make it, and another one's trailer broke down, so he couldn't come either," said organizer Tracie Bennitt.
Yeeeee haw!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Post Divorce Cha Ching!
Randy Fletcher has been having a bad year.
In January, he found his wife in bed with a neighbor when he arrived home unexpectedly.
March came and a deer slammed into his 1956 Chevy, killing the car.
Along came May, and his german shepherd was diagnosed with cancer and was put down.
July 15th his divorce from his cheating wife was finalized, and he had lost his life savings to the wench.
July 17th, he won a MILLION DOLLARS in a state lottery! Sure, it breaks down to a bit under 300,000 after taxes and stuff, but hey - talk about some good luck! And it's aaaallll his. So there. He's gonna get himself a new motorcycle, a new pup, and then take a vacation.
Go Randy!
*********************************
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Some Local Flavor served up by Harold Friedline...
Right here in Northern Delaware , Jim Cara got a vanity plate for his Suzuki motorcycle: 'NOTAG'. Thought it would be funny, eh? Funny enough to snarl up traffic court's computer system for a while.
Ya see, our detail-oriented cops they often just put 'no tag' in the field for License Number when they write up a traffic ticket for parking violations, . Now when they look in the system for where to send 'notag' tickets, they see Jim's house in Elsmere!
Word has it he has received over 200 parking violation notices at his home, and the official fingers are pointing not at Jim, but rather at lousy code in the system that handles the city's parking tickets. Officials plan to get that taken care of right away, but they do recommend that Jim change his plates.
Wrong.
"I think it's awesome," he said.
Totally.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Living in a Fishbowl No Longer
"We don't want to see animals treated like objects any longer."
So says Monza (Italy) council official Giampietro Mosca. "A fish kept in a bowl has a distorted view of reality and suffers because of this."Thus the city of Monza has joined the land of the Pet-olitically Correct. Now fishies are NOT allowed to live in fishbowls. And winning a small animal at a carnival as a prize? Nope. Not any more.
'Cause little tiny animals are people too.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oh Ick.
As I chow down on my Edy's Cookies N Cream Ice Cream, I thank the fates that I do not reside in Tokyo. Why, you ask? Because those poor people in Japan are being stuck eating the following flavors as promoted by the Japan Ice Cream Association:
* horse flesh ice cream
* garlic ice cream
* potato ice cream
* lettuce ice cream
* cactus ice cream
* seaweed ice cream
* soybean and kelp ice cream
* strawberry and spinach ice cream
'Nuff said.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
More Ick.
Then again, here in America things are getting scary as well. Krispy Kreme has decided to try to rev up their sales by introducing a new line of frozen drinks:
* raspberry
* latte
* double chocolate
* GLAZED DONUT
Oh yeah. Donut through a straw. That's what I've got a hankerin' for!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Off Off Off!
Clinton administration Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary is the new president of Fisk University, and is certainly working hard to start things off with a memorable impression. Take, for example, her escapade this past Thursday while on a United Airlines flight after it was diverted to Richmond VA due to extreme weather.
According to the crew, Hazel got 'loud and abusive' and kept trying to bust into the cockpit while the plane waited out the storm on the tarmac.
Ultimately she was escorted off the flight and questioned by the FBI.
Her explanation: she wanted to get off the plane.
Guess she forgot that the exit is not usually through the cockpit.
Right here in Northern Delaware , Jim Cara got a vanity plate for his Suzuki motorcycle: 'NOTAG'. Thought it would be funny, eh? Funny enough to snarl up traffic court's computer system for a while.
Ya see, our detail-oriented cops they often just put 'no tag' in the field for License Number when they write up a traffic ticket for parking violations, . Now when they look in the system for where to send 'notag' tickets, they see Jim's house in Elsmere!
Word has it he has received over 200 parking violation notices at his home, and the official fingers are pointing not at Jim, but rather at lousy code in the system that handles the city's parking tickets. Officials plan to get that taken care of right away, but they do recommend that Jim change his plates.
Wrong.
"I think it's awesome," he said.
Totally.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Living in a Fishbowl No Longer
"We don't want to see animals treated like objects any longer."
So says Monza (Italy) council official Giampietro Mosca. "A fish kept in a bowl has a distorted view of reality and suffers because of this."Thus the city of Monza has joined the land of the Pet-olitically Correct. Now fishies are NOT allowed to live in fishbowls. And winning a small animal at a carnival as a prize? Nope. Not any more.
'Cause little tiny animals are people too.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oh Ick.
As I chow down on my Edy's Cookies N Cream Ice Cream, I thank the fates that I do not reside in Tokyo. Why, you ask? Because those poor people in Japan are being stuck eating the following flavors as promoted by the Japan Ice Cream Association:
* horse flesh ice cream
* garlic ice cream
* potato ice cream
* lettuce ice cream
* cactus ice cream
* seaweed ice cream
* soybean and kelp ice cream
* strawberry and spinach ice cream
'Nuff said.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
More Ick.
Then again, here in America things are getting scary as well. Krispy Kreme has decided to try to rev up their sales by introducing a new line of frozen drinks:
* raspberry
* latte
* double chocolate
* GLAZED DONUT
Oh yeah. Donut through a straw. That's what I've got a hankerin' for!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Off Off Off!
Clinton administration Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary is the new president of Fisk University, and is certainly working hard to start things off with a memorable impression. Take, for example, her escapade this past Thursday while on a United Airlines flight after it was diverted to Richmond VA due to extreme weather.
According to the crew, Hazel got 'loud and abusive' and kept trying to bust into the cockpit while the plane waited out the storm on the tarmac.
Ultimately she was escorted off the flight and questioned by the FBI.
Her explanation: she wanted to get off the plane.
Guess she forgot that the exit is not usually through the cockpit.
