Friday, July 09, 2004
FYI: No updates will be on the blog till after July 17th. Vacation being what it is, I will be away from all technology for the next week. Then the idiocy will pick right back up. Enjoy my break.
This Day in History: Jul 9 1952 Musical genius, alleged lyric thief, and all-around renaissance man John Tesh is born in Garden City, New York.
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From the Illustrious Lord Mutter (note: NOT from chief correspondent Glenn McMillen. Again.)
What's in a Name?
CA State Education Secretary Richard Riordan was at the Santa Barbara library last week helping to promote good will and summer reading. An adorable little six year old girl, Isis D'Luciano, popped up and asked Dick if he knew that her name means 'Egyptian goddess.'
Quick thinking Dick stunned camera crews and attendees alike by replying, "It means stupid dirty girl."
Isis insisted that no, it didn't mean stupid dirty girl - it meant Egyptian Goddess (dammit!) and Dick apologized, saying "Hey, that's nifty."
Kiddo's mom is apparently a confused American: she said that her daughter is fine and that she's "not going to sue them for therapy bills." Huh.
Not to worry: the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People got their panties in a bunch on Lila's behalf. Leading the defense was Democratic state Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally who pitched a hissy, saying Lila is "a little African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done that to a white girl?"
Merv even scheduled a protest by assorted civil rights organizations to express the outrage at this blatant racism.
Then he found out that little Lila is in fact a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian child.
Interestingly enough, Merv originally (when Lila was Black) was quoted as saying that Dick's comments were "outrageous and irresponsible." Next day, once race was determined, his office stated "To err is human; to forgive is divine...Race is not a factor in this issue...It is time for us to move on."
****************
Hey Kids! Talking Jesus Action Figure!
Herobuilders has added to their line of hero figures (Tony Blair, GW, Rudy Giuliani) and villain figures (Saddam, Osama, Saddam's dead son Uday) with "the ONLY real hero: Talking Our Lord Jesus Christ Action Figure."
Standing 12 inches tall and wearing stylish biblical robes, Jesus recites the Ten Commandments and can be yours for $24.95 + S&H.
To hear a sample of Jesus' voice (his ACTUAL VOICE!!!) go HERE
****************
Foot in Mouth
Podiatrist Russell J Ellicott, of Augusta GA, is ankle deep in trouble with Medicare. Seems he tried to get Medicare to foot the bill for over $400,000 worth of false procedures, some of which were supposedly done on people who don't even have feet!
Between January 1997 and June 2002, Russ claimed to have treated numerous patients for foot ailments (and toenail trimmings), including people with two feet in the grave and even a person who had been an amputee for nine years.
Dude has been indicted and if convicted could be cooling his heels for up to 15 years in prison, as well as paying back the funds he collected over those years.
***********************
Bald Folks Eat Free
Folks who go to Gary's Uptown Restaurant and Bar in Lodi CA on a Wednesday get charged for their meals based upon how follicularly challenged they are! If you have less than 50% of your hair, you get up to 50% off your meal. Pure baldies eat free!
Baldies can either be shaved or au naturale. Gary doesn't care.
They even get a special Bald Person's Menu, which includes filet of snapper, flat iron steak and chicken fettuccine.
I think I should sue Gary for discrimination. Who's with me?
****************
A Pair of New Jersey Thinkers
Looks like an 18 year old uninsured driver in Vineland, NJ, couldn't follow the tradition of just receiving favors while driving the other night with his girlfriend. Nope. Witnesses state that the flexible young woman mounted her steed as he drove along. Apparently she blocked his view of the road and he smashed into a telephone pole.
The kids are alright, though they're in a heap of trouble.
Hopefully they've learned proper technique for fooling around when driving now.
****************
*****************
From the Illustrious Lord Mutter (note: NOT from chief correspondent Glenn McMillen. Again.)
What's in a Name?
CA State Education Secretary Richard Riordan was at the Santa Barbara library last week helping to promote good will and summer reading. An adorable little six year old girl, Isis D'Luciano, popped up and asked Dick if he knew that her name means 'Egyptian goddess.'
Quick thinking Dick stunned camera crews and attendees alike by replying, "It means stupid dirty girl."
Isis insisted that no, it didn't mean stupid dirty girl - it meant Egyptian Goddess (dammit!) and Dick apologized, saying "Hey, that's nifty."
Kiddo's mom is apparently a confused American: she said that her daughter is fine and that she's "not going to sue them for therapy bills." Huh.
Not to worry: the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People got their panties in a bunch on Lila's behalf. Leading the defense was Democratic state Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally who pitched a hissy, saying Lila is "a little African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done that to a white girl?"
Merv even scheduled a protest by assorted civil rights organizations to express the outrage at this blatant racism.
Then he found out that little Lila is in fact a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian child.
Interestingly enough, Merv originally (when Lila was Black) was quoted as saying that Dick's comments were "outrageous and irresponsible." Next day, once race was determined, his office stated "To err is human; to forgive is divine...Race is not a factor in this issue...It is time for us to move on."
****************
Hey Kids! Talking Jesus Action Figure!
Herobuilders has added to their line of hero figures (Tony Blair, GW, Rudy Giuliani) and villain figures (Saddam, Osama, Saddam's dead son Uday) with "the ONLY real hero: Talking Our Lord Jesus Christ Action Figure."
Standing 12 inches tall and wearing stylish biblical robes, Jesus recites the Ten Commandments and can be yours for $24.95 + S&H.
To hear a sample of Jesus' voice (his ACTUAL VOICE!!!) go HERE
****************
Foot in Mouth
Podiatrist Russell J Ellicott, of Augusta GA, is ankle deep in trouble with Medicare. Seems he tried to get Medicare to foot the bill for over $400,000 worth of false procedures, some of which were supposedly done on people who don't even have feet!
Between January 1997 and June 2002, Russ claimed to have treated numerous patients for foot ailments (and toenail trimmings), including people with two feet in the grave and even a person who had been an amputee for nine years.
Dude has been indicted and if convicted could be cooling his heels for up to 15 years in prison, as well as paying back the funds he collected over those years.
***********************
Bald Folks Eat Free
Folks who go to Gary's Uptown Restaurant and Bar in Lodi CA on a Wednesday get charged for their meals based upon how follicularly challenged they are! If you have less than 50% of your hair, you get up to 50% off your meal. Pure baldies eat free!
Baldies can either be shaved or au naturale. Gary doesn't care.
They even get a special Bald Person's Menu, which includes filet of snapper, flat iron steak and chicken fettuccine.
I think I should sue Gary for discrimination. Who's with me?
****************
A Pair of New Jersey Thinkers
Looks like an 18 year old uninsured driver in Vineland, NJ, couldn't follow the tradition of just receiving favors while driving the other night with his girlfriend. Nope. Witnesses state that the flexible young woman mounted her steed as he drove along. Apparently she blocked his view of the road and he smashed into a telephone pole.
The kids are alright, though they're in a heap of trouble.
Hopefully they've learned proper technique for fooling around when driving now.
****************
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Today in History: July 8, 1969 - The U.S. Patent Office issued a patent for the game "Twister." Ironic year there, eh? Nekkie Twister....yeaaaaahhhhh....
***********************
F For Forest
Greenpeace is getting a run for their money. An organization called F*** for Forest is dedicated to having sponsored sex in public to save the environment.
The latest high-profile...er...demonstration...occurred during a concert by Kristopher Schau and his band Cumshots, at the Quart music festival in Norway.
Tommy Hol Ellingsen and his hot girlfriend Leona Johansson jumped up on stage in the middle of the concert, and asked the audience "How far are you willing to go to save the world?" Then they stripped off their clothes and enthusiastically did IT to the grinding base of the band. (pictures are available on the web!)
They say they did it to save the rain forest (in spite of a lack of sponsors for this event), but the conventional tree hugger establishments are befuddled: "I can not see that this helps the work for the rainforest," said Lars Løvold, head of the Rainforest Foundation Norway.
Well, it sure does get attention at least! And is much less irritating than Greenpeace in their little rafts...
****************************
Lost N Found
Lost: One Thumb. Approximately 45 years old. Opposable. Last seen caught in rope swing at St Edwards State Park, Kenmore WA. Great sentimental value. Owner previously very attached to it.
If found, please notify Evergreen Hospital. Owner will be waiting there.
Found:
The wayward thumb was located by police, who put the offending digit in a bag of ice & transported it to the hapless victim for reattachment. No word on whether or not it will become functional again.
***********************
True Love
A professor from Cairo is suing his new wife for divorce and claiming damages of over 50k after discovering on his wedding night that his young, lovely wife whom he loves more than life itself is in fact...bald.
After running his fingers through wifey's hair as she slept, Prof "was horrified to find that it was a wig", and is also lodging a complaint for deception along with the divorce and damages.
The woman had lost her hair after a childhood illness has worn a wig ever since.
Apparently, love can't hold a candle to a good thick head of hair.
**************************
Words From Beyond the Grave
Robert Barros of Burlingame, CA, has filed a patent application for a new and improved tombstone. Said tombstone will display audio/video messages from the dead person under it. The talking tombstone will have a flat touch screen and, using power from the cemetary's lighting system, will run a computer loaded with sweet memories for living people's enjoyment.
"It's history from the horse's mouth," says the designer.
I wonder if they could just have Office Space looping on it for eternity?
**********************
More Florida Weirdness.
Ricky, I don't even know why you ever moved there.
THIS time, a doctor was out walking his pet pig (Doc Hollywood?) in Tampa when **KA BLAM** lightening struck!
Doc sez, "The next thing I remember is my arms are flailing in front of me and I'm making all kinds of weird choking noises. I'm fully conscious. There's a metal gate behind me and I was pulled to that metal gate like a magnetic attraction."
Then Doc looked down and saw *gasp* that his former pet pig had become breakfast ham steak instead.
"The pig is a lifesaver. I've got the best pig in the world, even though he's dead. He served more of a purpose than just a barbeque on Sunday, that's for sure."
For sure.
***********************
F For Forest
Greenpeace is getting a run for their money. An organization called F*** for Forest is dedicated to having sponsored sex in public to save the environment.
The latest high-profile...er...demonstration...occurred during a concert by Kristopher Schau and his band Cumshots, at the Quart music festival in Norway.
Tommy Hol Ellingsen and his hot girlfriend Leona Johansson jumped up on stage in the middle of the concert, and asked the audience "How far are you willing to go to save the world?" Then they stripped off their clothes and enthusiastically did IT to the grinding base of the band. (pictures are available on the web!)
They say they did it to save the rain forest (in spite of a lack of sponsors for this event), but the conventional tree hugger establishments are befuddled: "I can not see that this helps the work for the rainforest," said Lars Løvold, head of the Rainforest Foundation Norway.
Well, it sure does get attention at least! And is much less irritating than Greenpeace in their little rafts...
****************************
Lost N Found
Lost: One Thumb. Approximately 45 years old. Opposable. Last seen caught in rope swing at St Edwards State Park, Kenmore WA. Great sentimental value. Owner previously very attached to it.
If found, please notify Evergreen Hospital. Owner will be waiting there.
Found:
The wayward thumb was located by police, who put the offending digit in a bag of ice & transported it to the hapless victim for reattachment. No word on whether or not it will become functional again.
***********************
True Love
A professor from Cairo is suing his new wife for divorce and claiming damages of over 50k after discovering on his wedding night that his young, lovely wife whom he loves more than life itself is in fact...bald.
After running his fingers through wifey's hair as she slept, Prof "was horrified to find that it was a wig", and is also lodging a complaint for deception along with the divorce and damages.
The woman had lost her hair after a childhood illness has worn a wig ever since.
Apparently, love can't hold a candle to a good thick head of hair.
**************************
Words From Beyond the Grave
Robert Barros of Burlingame, CA, has filed a patent application for a new and improved tombstone. Said tombstone will display audio/video messages from the dead person under it. The talking tombstone will have a flat touch screen and, using power from the cemetary's lighting system, will run a computer loaded with sweet memories for living people's enjoyment.
"It's history from the horse's mouth," says the designer.
I wonder if they could just have Office Space looping on it for eternity?
**********************
More Florida Weirdness.
Ricky, I don't even know why you ever moved there.
THIS time, a doctor was out walking his pet pig (Doc Hollywood?) in Tampa when **KA BLAM** lightening struck!
Doc sez, "The next thing I remember is my arms are flailing in front of me and I'm making all kinds of weird choking noises. I'm fully conscious. There's a metal gate behind me and I was pulled to that metal gate like a magnetic attraction."
Then Doc looked down and saw *gasp* that his former pet pig had become breakfast ham steak instead.
"The pig is a lifesaver. I've got the best pig in the world, even though he's dead. He served more of a purpose than just a barbeque on Sunday, that's for sure."
For sure.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Today in History: Jul 7 1348 The Black Death makes its first appearance in England.
******************
From the Isle of Lord Mutter
Leopards Dining On Bombay Residents
Hungry leopards have started feasting heavily upon human buffet lines in Bombay: 10 tender humans eaten in just the past month, a total of 14 this year. The leopards reside in a 40 sq mile forest, Sanjay Gandhi National Park, in the Northern part of Bombay.
There are concerns about just WHY the kitties are roaming outside of their designated zone, especially with over 16 million tasty appetizers living and working in Bombay. Tree huggers are blaming a shortage of prey in the forest, so they've decided to start releasing about 500 pigs and dozens of bunnies into the forest for the cats to eat.
While waiting to find out if the piggies and bunnies will satisfy the meatlust of the kitties, soldiers in armor and headgear are posted about the forest to stop the protected animals from attacking the humans.
***********************
Inlaw Love
Maureen Plambeck had a little problem with her ex-sister-inlaw. So she decided to 'scare' the inlaw by spiking her margarita with anti-freeze. What a surprise that the victim ended up in the hospital for 3 days and nearly died. Maureen swears she didn't mean to kill her. She only wanted to scare her.
And she can keep swearing that for then next 26 years as she rots in prison.
**************************
Beckhams replaced by performing seals
David Beckham and his wife Victoria (posh spice) scored a coveted interview on the Jay Leno show, but decided that they were having too much fun hanging out on vacation in Marrakesh. So they backed out at the last minute.
So the network had to find an equivalent pair of guests to hold viewers' attention.
They replaced the world-renowned soccer player and his wench with... a display of performing seals from SeaWorld.
Now if that's not an ego-booster for David and Vic, I don't know what is.
***************************
If It's Not on Video It Didn't Happen
A motorist in Oxfordshire got miffed when he realized that his speedy car had been videod by speed camera and he was destined for a fine. So he pulled his car over, grabbed the camera, smashed it open, and stole the film.
Many other drivers in the area are exceedingly thankful to the mysterious speeder.
********************************
Just a little freaky.
36 year old Desiree Lee Campasano apparently was a troubled individual. After falling off her motor scooter on the 79th street causeway in Miami, she clonked her head and died. This is troublesome, however the REALLY weird thing was, carved on her stomach were the words 'HELP ME'.
Police are intrigued by the situation: "This is one of those Twilight Zone-type accidents with a message from the woman after her death," according to Lt Bill Schwartz, police spokesman.
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
**************************
More Head Clonking
Sara Denoyer and her boyfriend went to watch the Seattle Mariners play (and lose to ) the St Louis Cardinals. They had great seats: right on the first base line. Wow.
Early in the game, a foul ball went up and BAM! Slammed Sara in her neck. OUCH!
Then in the 9th inning - WHAPP! Another foul ball bops her right in the head. She ended up going to the hospital for observation for a night.
Most people try catching the fouls in their hands/mitts. Huh.
******************
From the Isle of Lord Mutter
Leopards Dining On Bombay Residents
Hungry leopards have started feasting heavily upon human buffet lines in Bombay: 10 tender humans eaten in just the past month, a total of 14 this year. The leopards reside in a 40 sq mile forest, Sanjay Gandhi National Park, in the Northern part of Bombay.
There are concerns about just WHY the kitties are roaming outside of their designated zone, especially with over 16 million tasty appetizers living and working in Bombay. Tree huggers are blaming a shortage of prey in the forest, so they've decided to start releasing about 500 pigs and dozens of bunnies into the forest for the cats to eat.
While waiting to find out if the piggies and bunnies will satisfy the meatlust of the kitties, soldiers in armor and headgear are posted about the forest to stop the protected animals from attacking the humans.
***********************
Inlaw Love
Maureen Plambeck had a little problem with her ex-sister-inlaw. So she decided to 'scare' the inlaw by spiking her margarita with anti-freeze. What a surprise that the victim ended up in the hospital for 3 days and nearly died. Maureen swears she didn't mean to kill her. She only wanted to scare her.
And she can keep swearing that for then next 26 years as she rots in prison.
**************************
Beckhams replaced by performing seals
David Beckham and his wife Victoria (posh spice) scored a coveted interview on the Jay Leno show, but decided that they were having too much fun hanging out on vacation in Marrakesh. So they backed out at the last minute.
So the network had to find an equivalent pair of guests to hold viewers' attention.
They replaced the world-renowned soccer player and his wench with... a display of performing seals from SeaWorld.
Now if that's not an ego-booster for David and Vic, I don't know what is.
***************************
If It's Not on Video It Didn't Happen
A motorist in Oxfordshire got miffed when he realized that his speedy car had been videod by speed camera and he was destined for a fine. So he pulled his car over, grabbed the camera, smashed it open, and stole the film.
Many other drivers in the area are exceedingly thankful to the mysterious speeder.
********************************
Just a little freaky.
36 year old Desiree Lee Campasano apparently was a troubled individual. After falling off her motor scooter on the 79th street causeway in Miami, she clonked her head and died. This is troublesome, however the REALLY weird thing was, carved on her stomach were the words 'HELP ME'.
Police are intrigued by the situation: "This is one of those Twilight Zone-type accidents with a message from the woman after her death," according to Lt Bill Schwartz, police spokesman.
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
**************************
More Head Clonking
Sara Denoyer and her boyfriend went to watch the Seattle Mariners play (and lose to ) the St Louis Cardinals. They had great seats: right on the first base line. Wow.
Early in the game, a foul ball went up and BAM! Slammed Sara in her neck. OUCH!
Then in the 9th inning - WHAPP! Another foul ball bops her right in the head. She ended up going to the hospital for observation for a night.
Most people try catching the fouls in their hands/mitts. Huh.
Today in History: July 6, 1946: GW Bush graced the world with his birth.
******************
N.Y. Post Puts Wrong VP Choice on Front Page
Someone at the New York Post is in big trouble. Eager to beat the others to the punch, the Post published its front page headline that Dick Gephardt got the VP nod from Kerry.
Bummer they were wrong.
Additionally damning to the Post was their description of the true VP candidate, Sen John Edwards: Edwards "lacks experience. He is a one-term senator whose lack of seasoning in foreign affairs could have made voters nervous about his ability to assume the presidency during a war or an international crisis. "
Noice.
*********************
From the Desk of Chief Mid Atlantic Correspondent Glenn McMillen...
How to Not Steal an ATM Machine.
A sneaky guy in Saudi Arabia decided to take advantage of the regular loudness of the area, what with rocket bombs and such, and attempted to bob an ATM machine. With a bulldozer.
Much to his surprise, people DID notice that the bulldozer ripping out an ATM was not equivalent to an al Qaeda attack, and reported the activity to the police.
Dude managed to escape without being captured.
But rest assured, with his knack for subtlety, he will be apprehended.
************************
'Fahrenheit 9/11' Banned
Folks from Iowa and Nebraska who frequent Fridley Theatres for their film entertainment won't be seeing Michael Moore's incendiary flick 'Fahrenheit 9/11'. The owner of said theatres states that he believes the movie incites terrorism and he's just not gonna show 'political propaganda films' in his theatres.
States Fridley: "These barbarians have shown through (the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001) and the recent beheadings that they will stop at nothing."
Including making people watch Michael Moore movies.
***********************
Broke Up? Sue her.
Nikolay Kozlov from Yekaterinburg, Russia, is suing his ex-girlfriend. After she dumped him, he demanded the return of the love gifts he had given her: love gifts like chocolates, nuts (*tee hee*), bananas (*snicker*), and a bright red apple. Problem for him: she doesn't binge and purge, hence the foods are gone.
Nikolay doesn't care. He says, "If I don't win in Yekaterinburg I'll go the Supreme Court and if need be even the European Court for Human Rights."
I'm thinkin' his ex made a REALLY good decision in dumping him...
****************
Rich Parents Overpay for 'Art'
A class of preschool children painted some 'abstract art' in Melbourne Australia, and it was put up for sale. Proud rich parents went into a frenzy to be able to pay top dollar for their refrigerator art, not stopping until the winning bid of about $55,000.
One of the losing bidders, millionaire parent John Ilhan, described the art: "There were a couple of children on it, a couple of animals and a flower, at least I think that's what they were."
Mmmm. Sounds...pretty.
******************
N.Y. Post Puts Wrong VP Choice on Front Page
Someone at the New York Post is in big trouble. Eager to beat the others to the punch, the Post published its front page headline that Dick Gephardt got the VP nod from Kerry.
Bummer they were wrong.
Additionally damning to the Post was their description of the true VP candidate, Sen John Edwards: Edwards "lacks experience. He is a one-term senator whose lack of seasoning in foreign affairs could have made voters nervous about his ability to assume the presidency during a war or an international crisis. "
Noice.
*********************
From the Desk of Chief Mid Atlantic Correspondent Glenn McMillen...
How to Not Steal an ATM Machine.
A sneaky guy in Saudi Arabia decided to take advantage of the regular loudness of the area, what with rocket bombs and such, and attempted to bob an ATM machine. With a bulldozer.
Much to his surprise, people DID notice that the bulldozer ripping out an ATM was not equivalent to an al Qaeda attack, and reported the activity to the police.
Dude managed to escape without being captured.
But rest assured, with his knack for subtlety, he will be apprehended.
************************
'Fahrenheit 9/11' Banned
Folks from Iowa and Nebraska who frequent Fridley Theatres for their film entertainment won't be seeing Michael Moore's incendiary flick 'Fahrenheit 9/11'. The owner of said theatres states that he believes the movie incites terrorism and he's just not gonna show 'political propaganda films' in his theatres.
States Fridley: "These barbarians have shown through (the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001) and the recent beheadings that they will stop at nothing."
Including making people watch Michael Moore movies.
***********************
Broke Up? Sue her.
Nikolay Kozlov from Yekaterinburg, Russia, is suing his ex-girlfriend. After she dumped him, he demanded the return of the love gifts he had given her: love gifts like chocolates, nuts (*tee hee*), bananas (*snicker*), and a bright red apple. Problem for him: she doesn't binge and purge, hence the foods are gone.
Nikolay doesn't care. He says, "If I don't win in Yekaterinburg I'll go the Supreme Court and if need be even the European Court for Human Rights."
I'm thinkin' his ex made a REALLY good decision in dumping him...
****************
Rich Parents Overpay for 'Art'
A class of preschool children painted some 'abstract art' in Melbourne Australia, and it was put up for sale. Proud rich parents went into a frenzy to be able to pay top dollar for their refrigerator art, not stopping until the winning bid of about $55,000.
One of the losing bidders, millionaire parent John Ilhan, described the art: "There were a couple of children on it, a couple of animals and a flower, at least I think that's what they were."
Mmmm. Sounds...pretty.
