Friday, May 21, 2004
Today in History: May 21, 1952 Mr BlingBling himself, former body guard to Michael Jackson, the one, the only MR T was born on this day. Along with being a dwarf-tossing bouncer, Mr T also has performed in numerous television shows and movies with his roles including Mr T, Mr T, and, uh, Mr T.
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Ooooh look! Another fun game! Leopardy Jeopardy: use your keyboards and your lightening-fast reflexes to keep your hand in the leopard's cage without getting it chewed off! FUN STUFF!
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Oh, Waaaah.
Poor Principal Karen Abbott. She volunteered to allow the winner of a drawing at Danbury (OH) High School to throw a pie in her face. Some sort of American Cancer Society fund raiser thing.
Anyway, a 15 year old honor studen won the drawing, wound up, and tossed the pie with all his might.
So now his principal has expelled him till next fall, and has referred her complaints to prosecutors to see if she can get criminal charges pressed against him.
She says the kid threw the pie too hard and her head snapped back upon impact. I say, 'It was a freakin' PIE and you VOLUNTEERED to be hit so SIT down and SHATTAP!!!!!!!!'
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Stop the Madness
So now the US Naval Academy is changing the lyrics of their alma mater song. The Navy Blue and Gold apparently is offending some stupid people out there because it refers to 'men' on a regular basis. So they've given in to the PC Terrorists and modified the lyrics so it refers to just sexually ambiguous people.
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Wild Ride for House Cat
Adria Bryan was intent upon getting to work on time, so she jumped in her car in Rhyl, North Wales, and floored it. As she careened down the roads, many other drivers kept flashing their lights at her. "I realised something was wrong when other people flashed their lights. I thought I may have left my handbag on the roof but I checked and it was on the seat next to me so I carried on," she says.
Turns out they were flashing lights at her because her poor little kitty Joe was clinging to the roof of the car for dear life!
So kitty gets home okay, only to be attacked by a bull terrier a couple of days later. The cat (Joe) suffered 3 cracked ribs and a punctured lung, but is still alive. 2 lives down, 7 to go.
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Ooooh look! Another fun game! Leopardy Jeopardy: use your keyboards and your lightening-fast reflexes to keep your hand in the leopard's cage without getting it chewed off! FUN STUFF!
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Oh, Waaaah.
Poor Principal Karen Abbott. She volunteered to allow the winner of a drawing at Danbury (OH) High School to throw a pie in her face. Some sort of American Cancer Society fund raiser thing.
Anyway, a 15 year old honor studen won the drawing, wound up, and tossed the pie with all his might.
So now his principal has expelled him till next fall, and has referred her complaints to prosecutors to see if she can get criminal charges pressed against him.
She says the kid threw the pie too hard and her head snapped back upon impact. I say, 'It was a freakin' PIE and you VOLUNTEERED to be hit so SIT down and SHATTAP!!!!!!!!'
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Stop the Madness
So now the US Naval Academy is changing the lyrics of their alma mater song. The Navy Blue and Gold apparently is offending some stupid people out there because it refers to 'men' on a regular basis. So they've given in to the PC Terrorists and modified the lyrics so it refers to just sexually ambiguous people.
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Wild Ride for House Cat
Adria Bryan was intent upon getting to work on time, so she jumped in her car in Rhyl, North Wales, and floored it. As she careened down the roads, many other drivers kept flashing their lights at her. "I realised something was wrong when other people flashed their lights. I thought I may have left my handbag on the roof but I checked and it was on the seat next to me so I carried on," she says.
Turns out they were flashing lights at her because her poor little kitty Joe was clinging to the roof of the car for dear life!
So kitty gets home okay, only to be attacked by a bull terrier a couple of days later. The cat (Joe) suffered 3 cracked ribs and a punctured lung, but is still alive. 2 lives down, 7 to go.
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Thursday, May 20, 2004
This Day in History: May 20, 1995: CBS News finally fired the eternally irritating co-anchor Connie Chung.
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The Case of the Incredible Shrinking 1/2 Brain.
David Mitchell is in a pickle. His brain is shrinking. Well, half of his brain. The left side of David's brain started to shrink about 10 years ago, bobbing him of his balance, short term memory, peripheral vision, and even his wit.
The doctors pretty much say "Huh, that shouldn't be happening." but they offer no solution to his lopsided situation.
He's going to get a biopsy done later this week, to see if they can get answers that way. Could be fatal, but apparently the quality of life he has now is pretty darned low anyhow. I wonder what might happen? Stay tuned!
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I will not glue the school shut I will not glue the school shut I will not...
Students at Deland High School in Florida may miss their graduation. This because the superglued the doors to 7 of the schools' buildings shut. And that's just naughty.
Last year, seniors superglued more than 100 classroom doors shut and then released 80,000 bees to swarm around the school. In light of that, I should think this is nothing!
But the principal is really really mad, and says that these kids shouldn't graduate because they entered "an unauthorized area after hours".
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I will not tape my teacher I will not tape my teacher I will not...
Now in Missouri, some highschool seniors had another trick up their collective sleeves. These students thought it would be really really funny to tape a teacher to a chair. Four of the big bullies held the teacher down, as the fifth attempted to tape the teacher down.
The teacher got away *whew* without injury. County Prosecutor Eric Zahnd was not amused: "The fact that the students continued joking about the event, even after they were handcuffed and being led to jail, shows a distressing lack of respect for school and police authorities."
There ya have it.
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Mid Atlantic Chief Correspondent Glenn McMillen is at it again:
Satan Alive and Well in Internet Church
So you go to the church of fools, hoping to have a nice little virtual mass, maybe kneel with some virtual worshippers, have a sip of the virtual wine, and then suddenly BAM! There's Satan! Screaming with a string of obscenities such as you've never heard before! AAAAAAAAAAH!
This is the sorry state of affairs at Church of Fools, the first Internet Church, launched just last week to allow Christians to worship in a SIMS-like environment complete with kneeling, singing, etc.
It already pulls in 5k - 10k worshippers each day who have the added benefit of even taking part in the whole tithing thing via a mobile phone enabled collection plate.
Initially, the Church removed the 'shout' function, to keep people from bellowing to everyone online that "Satan Loves You." But now they've enhanced the process: soon the 'wardens' of the church will be able to smite the evildoers and instantly log them off when they become unruly.
"In a way, we are facing the same problems faced by the first preachers who met resistance when they moved into new communities," said a church spokesman.
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The Case of the Incredible Shrinking 1/2 Brain.
David Mitchell is in a pickle. His brain is shrinking. Well, half of his brain. The left side of David's brain started to shrink about 10 years ago, bobbing him of his balance, short term memory, peripheral vision, and even his wit.
The doctors pretty much say "Huh, that shouldn't be happening." but they offer no solution to his lopsided situation.
He's going to get a biopsy done later this week, to see if they can get answers that way. Could be fatal, but apparently the quality of life he has now is pretty darned low anyhow. I wonder what might happen? Stay tuned!
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I will not glue the school shut I will not glue the school shut I will not...
Students at Deland High School in Florida may miss their graduation. This because the superglued the doors to 7 of the schools' buildings shut. And that's just naughty.
Last year, seniors superglued more than 100 classroom doors shut and then released 80,000 bees to swarm around the school. In light of that, I should think this is nothing!
But the principal is really really mad, and says that these kids shouldn't graduate because they entered "an unauthorized area after hours".
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I will not tape my teacher I will not tape my teacher I will not...
Now in Missouri, some highschool seniors had another trick up their collective sleeves. These students thought it would be really really funny to tape a teacher to a chair. Four of the big bullies held the teacher down, as the fifth attempted to tape the teacher down.
The teacher got away *whew* without injury. County Prosecutor Eric Zahnd was not amused: "The fact that the students continued joking about the event, even after they were handcuffed and being led to jail, shows a distressing lack of respect for school and police authorities."
There ya have it.
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Mid Atlantic Chief Correspondent Glenn McMillen is at it again:
Satan Alive and Well in Internet Church
So you go to the church of fools, hoping to have a nice little virtual mass, maybe kneel with some virtual worshippers, have a sip of the virtual wine, and then suddenly BAM! There's Satan! Screaming with a string of obscenities such as you've never heard before! AAAAAAAAAAH!
This is the sorry state of affairs at Church of Fools, the first Internet Church, launched just last week to allow Christians to worship in a SIMS-like environment complete with kneeling, singing, etc.
It already pulls in 5k - 10k worshippers each day who have the added benefit of even taking part in the whole tithing thing via a mobile phone enabled collection plate.
Initially, the Church removed the 'shout' function, to keep people from bellowing to everyone online that "Satan Loves You." But now they've enhanced the process: soon the 'wardens' of the church will be able to smite the evildoers and instantly log them off when they become unruly.
"In a way, we are facing the same problems faced by the first preachers who met resistance when they moved into new communities," said a church spokesman.
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Today in History: May 19 1992: 17-year-old Amy Fisher shoots Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the face. Amy had been having an affair with Mary Jo's 38-year-old husband Joey. Fisher winds up spending seven years in prison, and Mary Jo winds up with a plate in her head. --dailyrotten
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Thou Shalt Not View Bootleg Videos
Bishop Frantisek Tondra from Bratislava Slovakia, has announced to his Roman Catholic constituents that it is not only copyright infringement to view The Passion of the Christ on bootleg videos, but it is in fact a violation of the Ten Commandments. Now, you may not have noticed the 'Thou Shalt Not View Bootleg Videos' commandment before, but it's in there - diguised as the 'shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods' bit.
This, however, only applies to the Passion of the Christ. So those who are viewing bootleg copies of Kill Bill Vol 1 have no eternal damnation to fear as a result of their viewing proclivities.
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Here - Taste This!
A Junior at Odessa (TX) Highschool started ramping up his Darwin-targeted career last week. He drank an unknown chemical from his high school lab on a dare. Whatever the cocktail was, it caused him to spew blood from his nose and mouth as he staggered through the hallways of his school. He's in the hospital now. He's feeling better. He's going to stick to Fresca in the future, I think.
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Now THAT's a Mouthful!
John and May O'Hare had retired for the night in their camper, after a long day of touring Scotland. A silly bobber decided that their vehicle looked like a prime target for siphoning diesel fuel.
So under the cover of darkness, the thief pulled out his plastic siphon and his fuel container. So sad that he accidentally put the siphon into the camper's septic tank, rather than the fuel tank.
The thief diligently sucked up the...er...waste. And promptly threw up on the spot & ran.
Comment from John O'Hare? 'I hope the thief has learned from his experience and given up his evil ways.'
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Woman Tries to Gas Out Houseguests
A woman in Victorville, CA, got sick of some drug-dealing houseguests who had overstayed their welcome. So she did what any rational person would do. She opened up her oven's natural gas line in hopes of gassing them out of the place. However, even after filling the apartment with gas, the unwelcome guests stayed.
In fact, SHE is the one who became overcome by the fumes and ended up going to the hospital. Apparently she and her 59 year old boyfriend were scared of the coke dealers they had welcomed into their home for inexplicable reasons.
Now that attention has been brought to them and their activities, the two 'guests' will have new housing. A jail.
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Extreme Ironing Update (Cause I Know You Care):
Boston: Day Three of the Rowenta tour
The Ironing Invasion continues. Extreme ironers Steam, Starch, and Short-fuse have completed the Boston leg of the 2 week Rowenta Extreme Ironing Tour. They have successfully completed pressing competition on the amphibious Duck Tour Bus and also set up shop in front of the 'world famous' Cheers bar. Steam conducted an ironing board pyramid stunt in front of Fenuil Hall, much to the consternation of local police.
Steam adds: "We're off to South Dakota tomorrow ironing fans and I'm not sure how good the broadband access is; so we'll have to see when we can get our next update on the site."
Gallery:
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Thou Shalt Not View Bootleg Videos
Bishop Frantisek Tondra from Bratislava Slovakia, has announced to his Roman Catholic constituents that it is not only copyright infringement to view The Passion of the Christ on bootleg videos, but it is in fact a violation of the Ten Commandments. Now, you may not have noticed the 'Thou Shalt Not View Bootleg Videos' commandment before, but it's in there - diguised as the 'shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods' bit.
This, however, only applies to the Passion of the Christ. So those who are viewing bootleg copies of Kill Bill Vol 1 have no eternal damnation to fear as a result of their viewing proclivities.
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Here - Taste This!
A Junior at Odessa (TX) Highschool started ramping up his Darwin-targeted career last week. He drank an unknown chemical from his high school lab on a dare. Whatever the cocktail was, it caused him to spew blood from his nose and mouth as he staggered through the hallways of his school. He's in the hospital now. He's feeling better. He's going to stick to Fresca in the future, I think.
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Now THAT's a Mouthful!
John and May O'Hare had retired for the night in their camper, after a long day of touring Scotland. A silly bobber decided that their vehicle looked like a prime target for siphoning diesel fuel.
So under the cover of darkness, the thief pulled out his plastic siphon and his fuel container. So sad that he accidentally put the siphon into the camper's septic tank, rather than the fuel tank.
The thief diligently sucked up the...er...waste. And promptly threw up on the spot & ran.
Comment from John O'Hare? 'I hope the thief has learned from his experience and given up his evil ways.'
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Woman Tries to Gas Out Houseguests
A woman in Victorville, CA, got sick of some drug-dealing houseguests who had overstayed their welcome. So she did what any rational person would do. She opened up her oven's natural gas line in hopes of gassing them out of the place. However, even after filling the apartment with gas, the unwelcome guests stayed.
In fact, SHE is the one who became overcome by the fumes and ended up going to the hospital. Apparently she and her 59 year old boyfriend were scared of the coke dealers they had welcomed into their home for inexplicable reasons.
Now that attention has been brought to them and their activities, the two 'guests' will have new housing. A jail.
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Extreme Ironing Update (Cause I Know You Care):
Boston: Day Three of the Rowenta tour
The Ironing Invasion continues. Extreme ironers Steam, Starch, and Short-fuse have completed the Boston leg of the 2 week Rowenta Extreme Ironing Tour. They have successfully completed pressing competition on the amphibious Duck Tour Bus and also set up shop in front of the 'world famous' Cheers bar. Steam conducted an ironing board pyramid stunt in front of Fenuil Hall, much to the consternation of local police.
Steam adds: "We're off to South Dakota tomorrow ironing fans and I'm not sure how good the broadband access is; so we'll have to see when we can get our next update on the site."
Gallery:
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
In these troubled times, our attention is drawn to security of many sorts. Homeland security. Otherpeopleland security. Computer security. And not the least of which: security of one's personal property.
Courtesy of the cutting-edge Lord Mutter, I present to you the most up to date and practical security precaution I've ever seen. The Brief Safe.
Courtesy of the cutting-edge Lord Mutter, I present to you the most up to date and practical security precaution I've ever seen. The Brief Safe.
The Extreme Ironing Competition in America kicked off with a flourish yesterday. Here would be some shots of the excitement.
Monday, May 17, 2004
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Want to Have Kids? Try Having Sex!
So there's this German couple (30 and 36 years of age) who have desperately been trying to have children. After eight years of struggle, they finally went to the University Clinic of Lubek, a fertility clinic.
Rigorous testing showed that both parties were very very fertile and should not be having any troubles.
A clinic spokesman states: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?". "We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."
A whole new world is now being opened to them, and expectations are that they will manage to conceive rather quickly. The university has taken this as a prime opportunity to get some funding: they are now undertaking a study to find out how many other clueless couples are out there trying to get pregnant just by wishing really hard.
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Zoo Member Fingered For Petting Jaguar
Zoo employees at the Rio Grande Zoo in Albuquerque NM thought it was odd to see their regular visitor running out of the zoo with his hand in his pocket and a dark stain spreading down his pants leg. So, since he was a member, folks got his phone number from the records to make sure all was okay.
Dude swore on his ten fingers that everything was fine.
How unfortunate for him that one of said fingers was laying in the jaguar's cage after having been bitten off by the big cat. The cops (ew) fingerprinted the digit, and confirmed that THIS member belonged to the ZOO member in question. They also swung by the guy's house and saw quite clearly that he had 9 fingers, not 10.
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Flying Turtle Smashes Driver's Windshield
Quite an eventful drive time the other day on I-95 in Indian River County, FL.
A 1-foot-long turtle was crossing the road when it was nicked by a passing truck. It soared through the air like a missile and slammed BAM through the windshield of one Ralph Glaister.
"There was a loud crash. When I looked up, there was glass all over me and a turtle sitting beside me in my van," Ralph said. "It seemed like it happened in slow motion."
Turtle and driver are fine, surprisingly, and Ralph will be setting the turtle free in an area less likely to cause unexpected flight.
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Silly Germans
Three thugs approached a 29 year old in Germany, planning to bob him of his wallet. They had him hand it over & they cruelly ripped out his money. Then somehow the dorkheads handed back to the 'victim' one of the bobbers' own wallets. Which of course had his ID in it. So, uh, they caught him. One of the 3 evil doers is still on the loose, but they did manage to capture the other.
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Feeling Down? Eat Some Potatoes
Lots o' people suffer from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, getting depressed presumeably due to a lack of bright light during the winter months. Well, the Australian Center of Neuropsycotherapy has found that steam-cooked potatoes will work better than a number of SSRI's for those who are depressed!
"If people exercise, have enough bright light exposure during the day and have a good social network and nutrition intake, they could actually perhaps, if not totally, give up anti-depressants such as Prozac," says Rod Markham, director of said center.
Eating more complex carbohydrates like potatoes, broccoli, pasta and brown rice could boost serotonin activity in the brain.
So quit the pills and chow down on carbs!
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Want to Have Kids? Try Having Sex!
So there's this German couple (30 and 36 years of age) who have desperately been trying to have children. After eight years of struggle, they finally went to the University Clinic of Lubek, a fertility clinic.
Rigorous testing showed that both parties were very very fertile and should not be having any troubles.
A clinic spokesman states: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?". "We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."
A whole new world is now being opened to them, and expectations are that they will manage to conceive rather quickly. The university has taken this as a prime opportunity to get some funding: they are now undertaking a study to find out how many other clueless couples are out there trying to get pregnant just by wishing really hard.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Zoo Member Fingered For Petting Jaguar
Zoo employees at the Rio Grande Zoo in Albuquerque NM thought it was odd to see their regular visitor running out of the zoo with his hand in his pocket and a dark stain spreading down his pants leg. So, since he was a member, folks got his phone number from the records to make sure all was okay.
Dude swore on his ten fingers that everything was fine.
How unfortunate for him that one of said fingers was laying in the jaguar's cage after having been bitten off by the big cat. The cops (ew) fingerprinted the digit, and confirmed that THIS member belonged to the ZOO member in question. They also swung by the guy's house and saw quite clearly that he had 9 fingers, not 10.
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Flying Turtle Smashes Driver's Windshield
Quite an eventful drive time the other day on I-95 in Indian River County, FL.
A 1-foot-long turtle was crossing the road when it was nicked by a passing truck. It soared through the air like a missile and slammed BAM through the windshield of one Ralph Glaister.
"There was a loud crash. When I looked up, there was glass all over me and a turtle sitting beside me in my van," Ralph said. "It seemed like it happened in slow motion."
Turtle and driver are fine, surprisingly, and Ralph will be setting the turtle free in an area less likely to cause unexpected flight.
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Silly Germans
Three thugs approached a 29 year old in Germany, planning to bob him of his wallet. They had him hand it over & they cruelly ripped out his money. Then somehow the dorkheads handed back to the 'victim' one of the bobbers' own wallets. Which of course had his ID in it. So, uh, they caught him. One of the 3 evil doers is still on the loose, but they did manage to capture the other.
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Feeling Down? Eat Some Potatoes
Lots o' people suffer from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, getting depressed presumeably due to a lack of bright light during the winter months. Well, the Australian Center of Neuropsycotherapy has found that steam-cooked potatoes will work better than a number of SSRI's for those who are depressed!
"If people exercise, have enough bright light exposure during the day and have a good social network and nutrition intake, they could actually perhaps, if not totally, give up anti-depressants such as Prozac," says Rod Markham, director of said center.
Eating more complex carbohydrates like potatoes, broccoli, pasta and brown rice could boost serotonin activity in the brain.
So quit the pills and chow down on carbs!
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