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Friday, March 26, 2004

Today in History: March 26, 1937 - Spinach growers in Crystal City, TX, erected a statue of Popeye.


Update on Richard Simmons Case

So yesterday I advised you of Richard Simmons' assault citation, for bitch-slapping (I love saying that) a waiting passenger at an airport. I am pleased to advise you that the person he smacked is actually a 6'2", 250lb ultimate cage fighter!

AND that prior to the whap, Richard scolded the burly man, saying "You shouldn't make fun of people who have issues."

Huh. Just makes the image that much better. Well smack me upside the head call me Nancy!

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A Poopy Situation

Speaking of issues, a woman in North America is trying to deal with a stinky issue of her own. Apparently either her poopy spouse or an odd home intruder has developed the passive-aggressive habit of accessing her bathroom on an at-least weekly basis and leaving a sizeable dump in her potty! No indication of toilet paper is generally found, and flushage does not occur until she returns to her home in the early evening. Ew!

I think she should install a video camera to catch the little sh*t in the act.

Little-known fact from Lord Mutter: a human being carries about 5lbs of poo in his/her colon on average throughout the day.

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Don't Splash Me!

Ashley Carpenter overreacted when he, a cyclist, was splashed when a car drove through a puddle. Enraged, Carpenter decided to rid the road of automobiles. He proceded to slash the tires of 548 cars in 10 days. This childish 37 year old said he wanted to send a message out to drivers.

Well, at least he didn't chop off his fingers to send his message. Whatever that message was.

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Bravery in Gator Land

65 year old Patricia Compton was happily sitting on an ice chest in the back of the family pickup as the truck slowly moved through a 3-foot deep puddle. Suddenly, as her relatives sat in the truck bed gaping in horror, an alligator lunged out of the water and chomped down on her ankle! The monster, in a single crunch, cut a big old gash in her ankle and broke her fibula!
Then the gator let her go.
Pat's brave hubby leaped out of the safety of the cab to see what was up, then quickly jumped back in to avoid being eaten, himself!
It's possible that the gator was miffed because he had been run over - whether or not by the Comptons is not known. He did have scrape marks and a broken back. It has now been put out of its misery.

But Pat's cowardly hubby's misery is only just beginning.

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Little Bunny Chew Chew

A 2 year old child in Saginaw has lost her finger in a terrible bunny accident. She went to pet her neighbor's 3yr old bunny and CHOMP! The hungry bunny bit off her entire right index finger! Surgeons were unable to reattach the finger.
The girl's comment, per the saginaw news: "the bunny was bad, and had to go into the corner."
To which Dr Elizabeth Walton, sensitive owner of Freeland Animal Clinic, says: ""They are cute and furry, but I don't remember Peter Cottontail saying 'Come pet me,' "

Note: words of caution were put forth by Walton that the most concerning teeth on the bunny would be the FRONT teeth. Just in case you were wondering.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Richard Simmons Bitch-Slaps Man in Airport

Don't mess with Richard Simmons, or he'll get his fancy pants in a bunch, baby! While he was waiting for his flight at Sky Harbor Intl Airport (Phoenix), a fellow passenger recognized him.
Wittily, said passenger announced, "'Hey everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s." <<<<<>>>>>>>
Richard got really really mad, took his mean self right over to the offending passenger and SLAPPED his FACE!

While not injured, the passenger is going to press charges of assault against the Sweatin' to the Oldies guru.

Assaulted by Richard Simmons. Now THAT's something to put on a resume.



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Privates Piercings a No Go in Georgia

So now every Tom, Dick and Harry can go out in Georgia and get his mighty staff pierced with no fear of legal reprisal, but women cannot to the same to their secret space.

The Georgia House passed a bill 160 -0 to no longer allow women of any age to be pierced in or near their heavenly chambers. This because it is considered to be female genital mutilation, and as such would be punishable by 2 - 20 years inprison. And this isn't just cosmetic piercings, either. It's any piercing in the nether regions.

Amendment sponsor Rep. Bill Heath, R-Bremen, who apparently lives in a cave, was described by accessnorthgeorgia as "slack-jawed when told after the vote that some adults seek the piercings."

"What? I've never seen such a thing," Heath is quoted as saying. "I, uh, I wouldn't approve of anyone doing it. I don't think that's an appropriate thing to be doing."

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PROOF OF GOD'S EXISTENCE!

Whelp, it's official. God definitely exists. Proof of that can be found on a little lamb in Palestine. Lambykins was born with what some folks say looks like the word 'Allah' spelled out on his little woolly coat in Arabic. On his other side, there's a more-difficult-to-see version of 'Mohammad'. Tough to see, but if you believe hard enough, it appears.

But, see, what's REALLY important is that the little word-covered mutton chop was born on MONDAY. The SAME DAY that Ahmed Yassin (Hamas leader) was killed.
SEE? SEE?

"This is clear evidence of God's existence," the lamb's owner Yahya Atrash told reporters.

Well, I'm convinced!



Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Today in History: Mar 24 1989 Exxon tanker Valdez, piloted by a drunk captain, strikes a well-charted reef at Prince William sound, spilling 11 million gallons of crude oil. He was sued.

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Angry Lesbians With Computers

Dyke: a tabular body of igneous rock that has been injected while molten into a fissure (Webster's dictionary).
Dyke: often disparaging : LESBIAN (also Webster's dictionary)

Word 2000, in spite of Microsoft's desire to produce PC software for PC's, has a cute little 'error' in its spell check/grammar check. If you type "the dykes WHICH cut the granite are 2m wide", Word will recommend changing it to "the dykes WHO cut the granite are 2m wide".

Stay tuned for the class action lawsuit dealing with the mental anguish/pain and suffering this has caused world-wide.

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Another One Bites the Dust

So another person has croaked while viewing The Passion of Christ. This time, it was Jose Geraldo Soares, 43, a minister in Brazil. Word has it that about half way through the movie his wife (who was sitting next to him) noticed that he was "asleep". Turns out he was actually deceased, following in the footsteps of former Wichita, KS, resident Peggy Scott.

Yet ANOTHER fine opportunity for a lawsuit! This time, wrongful death!

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Wedded Bliss? Nope. Not Here.

Trying to avoid lawsuits, Benton County in Oregon has decided to ban all marriages until the whole same-sex marriage controversy is resolved. Starting today, folks who apply for a marriage license will be met with a resounding 'NO'.

Originally, Benton County was going to start allowing gay marriage licenses this week, but seeing how there's a tizzy going on in every other state that is allowing it, they decided to go exactly the opposite way and ban them all.


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But We Work Harder Than They Do!

The 16 violinists who play for the Beethoven Orchestra in Bonn, Germany, are suing the orchestra for more pay. They say they play a heck of a lot more notes than those lousy oboe players and flute players, not to mention the dude with the cymbals. According to News canada.com, here's the response from the director, Laurentius Bonitz: "The suit is ridiculous. It's absurd."

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Today in History: Mar 23 1997 Heaven's gate suicides leave 39 dead, all wearing nice new NIKE shoes.

This prompted one of my favorite Rick Sawyer emails back in the old First USA days:

To: Heaven's Gate California Charter
From: The Elder Commission

Due to heavy tailwinds from the comet Halle-Bop, estimated pick up time will not be met. Return pick up will be completed August 23, 2012. It is important not to eat the pudding at this time. Repeat Repeat, do not eat the pudding.


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2 All Beef Patties, Special Sauce...

Marcus Calderon from Rio Rancho has been arrested and charged with assaulting a police officer and altering food...because he spit a hocker into a police officer's hamburger while working at a fast food restaurant.

Apparently his spit is rather potent, as the policeman was able to detect the special seasonings after only two or three bites of his burger. The now-imprisoned-and-jobless Calderon said that he might have accidentally spit on the burger but that it certainly wasn't on purpose officer, sir.

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No Laughing!

In India there is a phenomenon occurring called Laughter Groups. They are gaggles of people who go around laughing to release tension. Well, one group giggled and guffawed near the wrong tense politician during a recent visit to the Sanjay Gandhi Botanical Garden and Zoo in Patna.

Laloo Prasad Yadav, the irritable president of the ruling Rashtriya Janata Dal party, was enjoying a peaceful day at the zoo when he saw and heard a group of Laughers. Their jocularity upset him so much that he, being in the position of power, banned laughter inside the premises of the zoo.
According to sifty.com, Mr Yadav stated: "By cleaning their lungs through laughter, people were spreading their diseases to other people who come for a morning walk. Besides this kind of laughter also disturbed and frightened the zoo animals."

Tee hee.

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No Soup For You!

Terence Hope, a neurosurgeon at Queens Medical Centre in Nottingham, has been suspended from his position at the hospital. Why? Because he is suspected of trying to steal an extra serving of soup from the staff cafeteria. Hope says he was just getting some croutons. Stay tuned for exciting updates on this very important miscarriage of justice!

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Let the Buyer Beware

Adrian Ionut Craciunoiu of Gorj county, Romania, paid for his services but received inferior product. Ananova reports that he has filed a complaint with the consumer protection authority in Gorj complaining that the prostitute he paid "didn't do her best and even scratched me because she missed some of her teeth...I...paid...but what did I get? Bad services and even lesions."
One of the difficulties Adrian will have with this case is that prostitution, good or bad, is illegal in Romania.

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Virgin Airlines to Remain TightLipped

Bummer for all you guys out there who were looking forward to peeing at New York's JFK International Airport, just so you could say you pissed into a urinal shaped like a really big woman's mouth. The design of the 'Kisses' urinals has been scrapped. NOW (Nat'l Organization of Women) got offended by the luscious lips and launched an appeal to have them removed.

They won. NOW President Kim Gandy stated, "I don't know many men who think it's cool to pee in a woman's mouth, even a porcelain one."

Also the lipstick color painted on the urinals was quite garish.


Monday, March 22, 2004

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Isha cute widdle fuzzy bunny WHOMP!!!!!!!!

So the other day, agriculture teacher Jane Bender made what she calls 'a bad decision' when she whomped some cute little bunnies to death in front of her Ag class. In 30 years of teaching, she's been doing just fine. But she decided she did not want to have to bottle feed the cute little day old floppy eared creatures. She requested that her students take them out and bury them alive. When the students refused, in the words of studen Ryan Harrell, ""She came over with a shovel and just sort of chopped in the hole, and then buried them."

The students said that they offered to take care of the bunnies, but Bender moved forward with her bunny annihilation regardless. The school board hasn't spoken with Bender but have put forth the theory that she simply was trying to teach the kids about how sometimes farmers have to put animals down.

By bludgeoning them in front of unexpecting students.

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Rabble Rousing Senior Not Welcome

Arthur Barnes, 73, sued to be allowed back into the Boone County Senior Center but to no avail. Boone County Judge Gordon Webb has ruled that he can go to any other senior center, but based upon his previous behavior he is not to set foot in Boone County Senior Center again.

Barnes was kicked out of that facility because of his raucus manner: he lost some dominoes, he left billiard balls on the pool table and even took extra ice cream toppings and donuts, depriving others of their treats. He also, it is said, even got an extra glass of milk once.

The judge recommended that he go to another senior center, like maybe the Flippin Center that is nearer to his home. He would rather hang out at this one, though, because it's closer to the Wal Mart.

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Attn: Employees of Scott County Nursing Center

Please be aware that the following actions are NOT considered helpful or caring when attending to your septegenarian wards:

* squirting a blind resident with liquid and making her think it is snot
* barking like a dog next to the bed of a resident who is scared of dogs
* piling up blankets and such in a resident's bed so it looks like someone is sleeping there...when the resident has serious anxiety issues regarding strangers sleeping in her bed
* convincing a resident she's bleeding then laughingly explaining that it's really just ketchup
* watching a fight between residents rather than trying to stop it.

A handful of your coworkers have been fired for such actions, because their explanation that they thought these were just silly pranks was determined to be unacceptable.

--the management

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Burmese Bush Boo Boo

Last July, GWBush banned imported goods from Burma to punish its military dictatorship. Appears that an exception was made: some fleece pull-overs being used as his official merchandise to promote his re-election campaign.

The explanation by the redfaced import company that supplies the clothing is that the Bush/Cheney'04 fleece pullovers were part of the last batch to come into America from Burma and it's just cruel irony that they have ended up where they are.

The viewpoint from the director of the National Labor Committee, Charles Kernaghan, is that it actually "shows a crude indifference to this issue [of importing goods from] the most brutal country on earth, known for things like child labor and sexual slavery."

But the pullovers really ARE quite darling.

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