Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I believe I have wrestled the system into submission, but I have decided to leave things as they stand in previous postings for now. Heck, they'll archive out and all will be lovely once again.
Link of the day: http://dickcheneyfanclub.com/
Take a respite from arguing about politics policy. Let's talk about something we can all agree upon: The beautiful human being that is Vice President Dick Cheney.
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Demolition 101
Stinson Bailey from Benton, Ark, wanted to demolish his building and received city permission to do so. Looking at the task, he decided that a much more efficient means of demolition would be to use fire in lieu of the traditional sledgehammers and such.
After all, he'd been whacking away at the job for two days and still the building stood! So Stinson set the building aflame, totally forgetting that fires of this sort need to be...what's the word....contained.
A district fire chief noticed the burning, and let Stinson know it was a bad idea and that he was calling a fire truck to put out the fire. According to the fire marshal, "The people at the scene told him that he shouldn't be concerned about the situation and he should come back later."
He followed their recommendations and upon return, found three additional houses ablaze.
Stinson was charged with reckless burning and disorderly conduct. In his defense, Stinson states: " I would've been all right if the wind hadn't changed."
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So waaaaay back in 1994, a guy only identified as John Doe was having a fun bedtime romp with his then-girlfriend. Apparently, she attempted a gymnastics move, landed 'awkwardly' on him and...uh...broke his thingy.
In spite of immediate emergency surgery and rounds of medication and counseling, John is still having troubles. You know. Troubles. He decided therefore, to sue her.
His case has already been thrown out by Salem District Court and Essex Superior Court, but John is determined, and has filed yet again in the Massachusetts Supreme Court. He doesn’t care if it takes a CENTURY, though. He’s going to keep on fighting for truth and justice…no matter what.
Like mom always said, it's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.
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Kills Bugs Dead
Walter Mueller, a 36 year old genius from Schleswig-Holstein Germany, doesn't like bugs in his home. So the other day he closed up all the windows to his apartment and began spraying extra strong insect-spray.
He sprayed and sprayed. Spray spray spray.
Satisfied that he was now bug-free, Walt sat down at his computer to surf the web for a bit. Upon turning the computer on, a spark ignited the aerosol spray and KA-BOOM went the windows! The explosion blasted through his home and word is that debris flew up to 100 meters away!
Mueller, with the luck of the stupid, escaped pretty much unscathed. His neighbors' apartments were also damaged, and the streets were closed for hours due to the mess.
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Look Out William Shatner
Much like Tupac Shakur, Pope John Paul II is pumping out music hits after his ultimate demise. Someone out there decided that it would be wise to put the pope's poetry to a disco beat and kick it out to the common populace.
Right now, his " Roman Triptych" is sitting firmly at number 3 in the Polish charts. At least 7 other pontiffy songs are in the top 40.
The Roman Catholic Church is not thrilled, and has issued a 'warning' that some of the albums that have John Paul on the cover are...using his popularity to make sales.
SAY IT ISN'T SO!
Monday, May 16, 2005
A helpful mom from Saransk, Russia, thought her son's fishtank was awfully icky and needed a cleaning. Rather than using a little fishnet to capture the pudgy goldfish she thought kiddo was raising, she decided to catch the little buggers and surprise her son with a cleaned tank.
She reached her hands into the tank and thus discovered that they were not, in fact, goldfish, but rather piranha!
Chomp chomp chomp went the fishies. Bleed bleed bleed went her fingers.
She finally got the fish off by slamming them brutally against the sides of the tank, but not until they cleaned the flesh off two of her fingers.
Silly woman.
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Sunday, May 15, 2005
Link of the Day: http://www.psychokitty.blogspot.com/ meow.
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Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent and Lord of All Else Mutter contributes the following unsurprising information:
And They Say That Size Doesn't Matter
Washington University biologist Brian Langerhans has determined that for certain fish species, it's NOT just the motion of the ocean that attracts females to males. Not concerned with impacting other fishie egos, the female mosquito fish (kind of like a guppy) time and again goes to the male fishie with the biggest gonopodium (fishie wingding).
The females target the males with whom they wish to mate prior to actually approaching and 80% of the time in Brian's experiments, size appeared to be more important than sense of humor! "They chose the larger one over and over," Langerhans said. "All females had the same preference."
Speaking of size, though, get this: according to Brian, "gonopodium size is highly variable among livebearing fish species -- ranging from less than 20 percent of the body length to more than 70% "
That's right, folks: s e v e n t y p e r c e n t!!! Whoo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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From Honorary Knight of the Missive Table Norvick:
Ice Cream Man Attack!
Nazzareno Didiano, an ice cream man in Pittsburgh, lost his cool last May on the wrong customer, and is paying for it now.
Word is, Nazzy was doing his job vending frozen treats when an apparently regular icecream consumer rode his bike up to make a purchase. The kid on the bike was shocked by the prices of the ice cream confections and rudely told Nazzy that he thought they were too high.
Nazzy, a tad bit ticked, responded: "I told him he didn't need any ice cream anyway because he's fat."
The kid started cussing at Nazzy, and Nazzy got hot.
Later that day, a couple of blocks away, Nazmeister spied the kid on his bike. Pulled over, and (according to the Bloomberg teen) yanked the brat from his bike, punched him, and slammed him into the wall.
Now everybody is upset.
The judge is upset that Nazzy lashed out, so he put him on probation and ordered anger management classes.
Nazzy is upset because he lost his job with Paul's Ice Cream Company.
And the kid's mom? She's upset too. Not because of the punch. But rather because now her son is 'self-conscious about his weight.'
"This has been a nightmare," she said.
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From Suddenly Contributing Broadway Buff McMillen, a follow-up:
Remember Hla Htay? The 40 year old woman in Yangon who decided to nurse two endangered Bengal tiger cubs when they were taken from their mom?
Well, best as she tried, Hla's feverish nursing of the felines was not enough to keep them alive. I'm sorry to report that though she gave her all, kitty cats aren't supposed to drink human breastmilk. Shockingly enough, it's not made for kitties, but rather for humans! So as much as Hla may have enjoyed the activity, the cubs failed to thrive because their livers couldn't process the human milk.
The female cub died April 27 and her brother died May 3.
The zoo plans to stuff the cubs and put them on display, it said.
No word as to whether or not Hla will be stuffed and displayed as well.
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Popemobile Sale Not Lucrative Enough?
Greedy jobless man Benjamin Halbe put the Pope's old car up on eBay, if you recall, and the VW Golf sold for approximately $238,000US. (He bought it for about 11k)
Ben has decided that is not quite enough and is now suing eBay, claiming that dozens of people had tried to bid on the car but couldn't log on to do so.
Ben says that during the last few hours of the auction, there were "proven bidders who wanted to offer more but whose bids for higher amounts for unknown reasons were not registered on the eBay site".
Perhaps because they were imaginary?
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Twin Trouble
Identical twin brothers Olimpiu Nedelcu and Silviu Nedelcu are in hot water with the FBI. Seems Silviu couldn't make it in to work the other day, so in true Walt Disney Movie fashion, Olimpiu went in his stead.
Silviu is an aircraft refueler at the Salt Lake International Airport.
The gig was up when Olimpiu proved that he had no idea what he was doing, and was therefore fingerprinted by airport police.
