Wednesday, July 21, 2004
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Urine Trouble Now!
According to a survey conducted by VertiSpa, a whopping 42% of showering folk pee while cleansing themselves. Word has it that this pisses off the 58% who don't.
Researchers also sniffed out info regarding the timing of scrubbing. Here are the disturbing results on those who don't just shower on a whim throughout the day:
53% are AM cleansers 29% prefer to wash off the stresses of the day in the evening and 7%...well, 7% report that they just don't bathe at all.
That stinks!
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Charleston, WV: We're Sorry We Arrested You :-(
Nicole and Jeff Rank travelled all the way from Corpus Christi, TX, to go to GW's July 4th rally in Charleston WV. They were uninvited to the party when they displayed their T-shirts: shirts with GW's name crossed out on the front and emblazoned upon the back "Love America, Hate Bush".
They were actually dragged out of the event in restraints and charged with trespassing, the only official violation the city could come up with to justify their action.
A judge advised the city that the charges had to be dismissed, because city ordinances do not apply to Statehouse grounds (and the festivus was on Statehouse grounds).
This prompted the City Council to adopt a measure to officially apologize to Jeff and Nicole for not allowing them to "peaceably exercise their right of free speech."
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Drunken flight crew assault passenger
So a passenger on a 4 hour domestic Aeroflot flight from Moscow to Nizhnevartovsk the other day requested some wine for himself and his lovely girlfriend. The obviously intoxicated flight attendants rudely replied back that there was no more wine (hm. Wonder where it went?).
Not satisfied with that response, he went to the plane's kitchen to try to acquire the drinkies himself.
Bad move.
The airline attendants were so ticked off that they beat the guy, described as 'a powerful businessman in the Siberian oil town', and he departed the plane with a black eye and required additional medical treatment.
No news on what *hic* is going to happen to the flight attendants. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Truck Takes a Dump on I-80
Eric Ingle of Sacramento CA was trying to set the cruise control on his 'tandem-trailer truck' while driving down I-80 Monday morning. So sad for Eric. He accidentally hit the 'dump' switch. Ended up dumping 12 tons of gravel on the roadway during rush hour traffic and snarling things up for a good hour or so during clean up.
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA
Urine Trouble Now!
According to a survey conducted by VertiSpa, a whopping 42% of showering folk pee while cleansing themselves. Word has it that this pisses off the 58% who don't.
Researchers also sniffed out info regarding the timing of scrubbing. Here are the disturbing results on those who don't just shower on a whim throughout the day:
53% are AM cleansers 29% prefer to wash off the stresses of the day in the evening and 7%...well, 7% report that they just don't bathe at all.
That stinks!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Charleston, WV: We're Sorry We Arrested You :-(
Nicole and Jeff Rank travelled all the way from Corpus Christi, TX, to go to GW's July 4th rally in Charleston WV. They were uninvited to the party when they displayed their T-shirts: shirts with GW's name crossed out on the front and emblazoned upon the back "Love America, Hate Bush".
They were actually dragged out of the event in restraints and charged with trespassing, the only official violation the city could come up with to justify their action.
A judge advised the city that the charges had to be dismissed, because city ordinances do not apply to Statehouse grounds (and the festivus was on Statehouse grounds).
This prompted the City Council to adopt a measure to officially apologize to Jeff and Nicole for not allowing them to "peaceably exercise their right of free speech."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Drunken flight crew assault passenger
So a passenger on a 4 hour domestic Aeroflot flight from Moscow to Nizhnevartovsk the other day requested some wine for himself and his lovely girlfriend. The obviously intoxicated flight attendants rudely replied back that there was no more wine (hm. Wonder where it went?).
Not satisfied with that response, he went to the plane's kitchen to try to acquire the drinkies himself.
Bad move.
The airline attendants were so ticked off that they beat the guy, described as 'a powerful businessman in the Siberian oil town', and he departed the plane with a black eye and required additional medical treatment.
No news on what *hic* is going to happen to the flight attendants. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Truck Takes a Dump on I-80
Eric Ingle of Sacramento CA was trying to set the cruise control on his 'tandem-trailer truck' while driving down I-80 Monday morning. So sad for Eric. He accidentally hit the 'dump' switch. Ended up dumping 12 tons of gravel on the roadway during rush hour traffic and snarling things up for a good hour or so during clean up.
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
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Update on Lopped Off Manstaff
Remember the dude whose distracted doc accidentally severed his wingding rather than his jumblies this past week (see July 17th)?? Here's an update:
Turns out bucky lopoff was actually severed into not two, but THREE pieces!!! Oucheronies! The Romanian victim has thought long and hard about it and finally decided to sue. And rightfully so.
He's still hanging out in pieces in the hospital for likely three more weeks. Surgeons there say that it will be three to four MONTHS before they can actually work on rebuilding his member.
Wow. That sucks.
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World Destruction Begins Sept. 29
Hey, if you have any unused vacation days, might want to schedule to take some time off prior to September 29th. According to Extra Terrestrial expert Dr Terry Johnson, that is the date that marks the beginning of the End of the World.
Dr Johnson warns that there is an earthquake scheduled for September 29th in Guadalajara, Mexico, and when it happens a huge spacecraft will slam into the fault line, causing a chain reaction that will result in "the ultimate destruction of the planet."
Numerous alien groups are conspiring to destroy Earth, says Doc Johnson, because "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."
Don't give up hope, though. See, many humans have already been abducted to other planets to serve as 'super computers' and they're working as a resistance force by learning how to fly UFO's.
Luckily, International Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19th, so we don't have to worry about missing THAT special day.
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Another Odd Family Tree
Nyanginda wa Ngugi, 71, is now married to 19 year old James Mburu Kamau. They happily live with her 33 year old son who now must call this kid dad. Her 5 married children live outside the home.
Jimmy says that God told him to marry the septuagenarian, and that he will never return to school again: "I have discovered that I have been living a lie all my life. Now I have discovered God and happiness."
His buddies beg to differ, and have vowed to 'deal with the old woman' to get their friend back from her evil, if elderly, clutches.
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New Self Defense Method: Bring out the Pics of the Grandkids
Juan Garcia Vasquez broke into the home of a 73 year old woman, planning to steal some stuff and then high tail it outta there.
Sadly for him, his noise awoke the woman, who apparently is quite lonely. After getting the whole 'cover your mouth so you don't scream' thing overwith, they settled down and she offered him some tasty food. Then they sat down on the couch and she started praying next to him, showing him pics of St Theresa, and then brought out the dreaded grandchildren photos.
Juan couldn't handle the excitement, and fell asleep right there on the couch. The woman then ran to the bathroom, locked herself in, and called her daughter for assistance. Cops arrived and saved the day.
Whoo hoo!
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Istanbul Not Constantinople
The people who lived formerly in Llanfynydd, UK, are miffed that the Gamesa Energy co wants to erect a wind farm near their quaint village. So they have changed the village's name.
They now live in Llanhyfryddawelllehyn-afolybarcudprindanfygy-thiadtrienusyrhafnauole. I'm serious.
They changed the village name in protest, and the name translates out to : "a quiet beautiful village, an historic place with rare kite under threat from wretched blades". Welsh village names traditionally describe unique landscape features and such that are associated with the location.
In case you're wondering, the rare kite they speak of is not the stringed wind catching toy used at the beach or in clearings on windy days. It's a bird.
"Wretched Blades". Poetic, ain't it?
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In unrelated news....
Texas changing a road name
Beaumont, TX, commissioners have decided to be PC and change what has been perceived as an insensitive road name into a sensitive road name. Jap Road apparently has been insulting folks since 1905 when a Japanese rice farmer lived on that road and the nickname for the street stuck.
So now, a century later, at the urging of the NAACP, this "offensive racial slur" of a name will be changed to: Mayumi Road.
This is translated to mean "Road named in an consciencious and thoughtful manner so as not to offend people who really put a bit too much time into worrying about the name of their freakin' street".
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100% Cholesterol Free Taste Treat
Beware if you go to the Madison County Fair and Rodeo: the fries you get at the Potato Hut...well...they aren't potatoes. Rather, they are strips made from the pendulous balls of bulls. Promoted as all beef and ultra-lean, these tasty tidbits are Atkins friendly, and even have "secret, special spices" added by the proprietor, Jackie Williams.
Mmmmmm. Yummy.
Update on Lopped Off Manstaff
Remember the dude whose distracted doc accidentally severed his wingding rather than his jumblies this past week (see July 17th)?? Here's an update:
Turns out bucky lopoff was actually severed into not two, but THREE pieces!!! Oucheronies! The Romanian victim has thought long and hard about it and finally decided to sue. And rightfully so.
He's still hanging out in pieces in the hospital for likely three more weeks. Surgeons there say that it will be three to four MONTHS before they can actually work on rebuilding his member.
Wow. That sucks.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
World Destruction Begins Sept. 29
Hey, if you have any unused vacation days, might want to schedule to take some time off prior to September 29th. According to Extra Terrestrial expert Dr Terry Johnson, that is the date that marks the beginning of the End of the World.
Dr Johnson warns that there is an earthquake scheduled for September 29th in Guadalajara, Mexico, and when it happens a huge spacecraft will slam into the fault line, causing a chain reaction that will result in "the ultimate destruction of the planet."
Numerous alien groups are conspiring to destroy Earth, says Doc Johnson, because "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."
Don't give up hope, though. See, many humans have already been abducted to other planets to serve as 'super computers' and they're working as a resistance force by learning how to fly UFO's.
Luckily, International Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19th, so we don't have to worry about missing THAT special day.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Another Odd Family Tree
Nyanginda wa Ngugi, 71, is now married to 19 year old James Mburu Kamau. They happily live with her 33 year old son who now must call this kid dad. Her 5 married children live outside the home.
Jimmy says that God told him to marry the septuagenarian, and that he will never return to school again: "I have discovered that I have been living a lie all my life. Now I have discovered God and happiness."
His buddies beg to differ, and have vowed to 'deal with the old woman' to get their friend back from her evil, if elderly, clutches.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
New Self Defense Method: Bring out the Pics of the Grandkids
Juan Garcia Vasquez broke into the home of a 73 year old woman, planning to steal some stuff and then high tail it outta there.
Sadly for him, his noise awoke the woman, who apparently is quite lonely. After getting the whole 'cover your mouth so you don't scream' thing overwith, they settled down and she offered him some tasty food. Then they sat down on the couch and she started praying next to him, showing him pics of St Theresa, and then brought out the dreaded grandchildren photos.
Juan couldn't handle the excitement, and fell asleep right there on the couch. The woman then ran to the bathroom, locked herself in, and called her daughter for assistance. Cops arrived and saved the day.
Whoo hoo!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Istanbul Not Constantinople
The people who lived formerly in Llanfynydd, UK, are miffed that the Gamesa Energy co wants to erect a wind farm near their quaint village. So they have changed the village's name.
They now live in Llanhyfryddawelllehyn-afolybarcudprindanfygy-thiadtrienusyrhafnauole. I'm serious.
They changed the village name in protest, and the name translates out to : "a quiet beautiful village, an historic place with rare kite under threat from wretched blades". Welsh village names traditionally describe unique landscape features and such that are associated with the location.
In case you're wondering, the rare kite they speak of is not the stringed wind catching toy used at the beach or in clearings on windy days. It's a bird.
"Wretched Blades". Poetic, ain't it?
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
In unrelated news....
Texas changing a road name
Beaumont, TX, commissioners have decided to be PC and change what has been perceived as an insensitive road name into a sensitive road name. Jap Road apparently has been insulting folks since 1905 when a Japanese rice farmer lived on that road and the nickname for the street stuck.
So now, a century later, at the urging of the NAACP, this "offensive racial slur" of a name will be changed to: Mayumi Road.
This is translated to mean "Road named in an consciencious and thoughtful manner so as not to offend people who really put a bit too much time into worrying about the name of their freakin' street".
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
100% Cholesterol Free Taste Treat
Beware if you go to the Madison County Fair and Rodeo: the fries you get at the Potato Hut...well...they aren't potatoes. Rather, they are strips made from the pendulous balls of bulls. Promoted as all beef and ultra-lean, these tasty tidbits are Atkins friendly, and even have "secret, special spices" added by the proprietor, Jackie Williams.
Mmmmmm. Yummy.
Monday, July 19, 2004
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A fun little clicky:
10 worst album covers ever
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This Little Piggy Went to Market...
So by now you all likely know that BoBo, the 6 year old pet Bengal tiger raised by former B movie Tarzan actor Steve Sipek, was killed this weekend after the big kitty ran away from home. Truly a pity, and there's all sorts of uproar about the "murder" of the cat and yada yada yada.
HOWEVER, there's a spin-off of outrage with this story. This involving Linda Meredith's sacrificial offering of a Yorkshire piglet in an attempt to woo the feline home. Linda heard news of the runaway kitty, and promptly stuffed her piglet into her (air conditioned) car trunk and skedaddled on over to assist in the cat capture. Linda urged the sheriff's deputies to make the piggy squeal by twisting its ears and holding it by its hind legs, figuring that the sound of the poor piglet would draw the cat back home.
The deputies refused to use the pig, opting instead for the noisier M4 rifle, but they did take enough notice of Linda's offer to consider pressing charges against her for putting the little porker in the trunk of her car.
Linda's miffed. "I can't believe they have the gall," she told the Palm Beach Post. "I was just trying to help the tiger find his way back home. Apparently, it's not nice to be nice."
Besides, Linda said she planned on eating the pig anyway once it grew up, so where's the harm?
***********************
Ouch!
A dim witted cashier at a German supermarket decided to steal the day's earnings. To add believability to her story of a robbery, chickie bashed herself on the head with a blunt object and told the cops she had been assaulted and knocked unconscious.
Unfortunately, her self-inflicted blow was not done convincingly and she ended up confessing to her lying, stupid ways.
***************************
Dude, Where's My Stash?
Robert Laguerre rented a car in Langhorne, PA. He carefully stashed his 88 bags of heroin under a layer of napkins in the glove compartment and went about his business. He returned the car to Enterprise Rent-a-Car, accidentally leaving behind not only the heroin but also his wallet.
Cops set up a meeting with Bob at a local mall, pretending that they were folks who wanted to return the heroin for a reward, and promptly arrested him. Bob recently was released from a New Jersey prison where he had been serving time for some previous heroin distribution. Now he'll get to check out the digs in PA.
Perhaps he should consider a different line of business.
***********************
Fear and Loathing in Tennessee
Michael P Monn, 23, was hanging out all drunk and naked in Tennessee early Sunday morning, and decided to rob a convenience store in all his glory. Cops had been doing their rounds in the parking lot of the store, and were checking out the pile of clothes and bottle of alcohol in his jeep when lo and behold Naked Mikey came hurtling out of the darkness with a box of snacks and nacho cheese all over himself! An officer said: "The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders. The nude male had a strong odour of alcohol and was semi-incoherent.''
(I wonder if the cops cried out, "Hey hey stop thief! That's na-cho cheese!" *rim shot*)
***************************
Halle Not So Hot?
Next time you see Halle Berry in Catwoman and find yourself getting all charged up during the action scenes, check to be sure whether it's Halle or some guy that's churning your engines.
Yup. Halle's stunt double in Catwoman is actually Mr Nito Larioza in drag. Sez Nito, "The scenes are shot so fast you can't tell. But a lot of boys feasting their eyes on Halle's sexy costume are gonna flip when they realize they got steamy about a bloke in a girl's costume."
Neato, Nito!
***************************
A fun little clicky:
10 worst album covers ever
****************************
This Little Piggy Went to Market...
So by now you all likely know that BoBo, the 6 year old pet Bengal tiger raised by former B movie Tarzan actor Steve Sipek, was killed this weekend after the big kitty ran away from home. Truly a pity, and there's all sorts of uproar about the "murder" of the cat and yada yada yada.
HOWEVER, there's a spin-off of outrage with this story. This involving Linda Meredith's sacrificial offering of a Yorkshire piglet in an attempt to woo the feline home. Linda heard news of the runaway kitty, and promptly stuffed her piglet into her (air conditioned) car trunk and skedaddled on over to assist in the cat capture. Linda urged the sheriff's deputies to make the piggy squeal by twisting its ears and holding it by its hind legs, figuring that the sound of the poor piglet would draw the cat back home.
The deputies refused to use the pig, opting instead for the noisier M4 rifle, but they did take enough notice of Linda's offer to consider pressing charges against her for putting the little porker in the trunk of her car.
Linda's miffed. "I can't believe they have the gall," she told the Palm Beach Post. "I was just trying to help the tiger find his way back home. Apparently, it's not nice to be nice."
Besides, Linda said she planned on eating the pig anyway once it grew up, so where's the harm?
***********************
Ouch!
A dim witted cashier at a German supermarket decided to steal the day's earnings. To add believability to her story of a robbery, chickie bashed herself on the head with a blunt object and told the cops she had been assaulted and knocked unconscious.
Unfortunately, her self-inflicted blow was not done convincingly and she ended up confessing to her lying, stupid ways.
***************************
Dude, Where's My Stash?
Robert Laguerre rented a car in Langhorne, PA. He carefully stashed his 88 bags of heroin under a layer of napkins in the glove compartment and went about his business. He returned the car to Enterprise Rent-a-Car, accidentally leaving behind not only the heroin but also his wallet.
Cops set up a meeting with Bob at a local mall, pretending that they were folks who wanted to return the heroin for a reward, and promptly arrested him. Bob recently was released from a New Jersey prison where he had been serving time for some previous heroin distribution. Now he'll get to check out the digs in PA.
Perhaps he should consider a different line of business.
***********************
Fear and Loathing in Tennessee
Michael P Monn, 23, was hanging out all drunk and naked in Tennessee early Sunday morning, and decided to rob a convenience store in all his glory. Cops had been doing their rounds in the parking lot of the store, and were checking out the pile of clothes and bottle of alcohol in his jeep when lo and behold Naked Mikey came hurtling out of the darkness with a box of snacks and nacho cheese all over himself! An officer said: "The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders. The nude male had a strong odour of alcohol and was semi-incoherent.''
(I wonder if the cops cried out, "Hey hey stop thief! That's na-cho cheese!" *rim shot*)
***************************
Halle Not So Hot?
Next time you see Halle Berry in Catwoman and find yourself getting all charged up during the action scenes, check to be sure whether it's Halle or some guy that's churning your engines.
Yup. Halle's stunt double in Catwoman is actually Mr Nito Larioza in drag. Sez Nito, "The scenes are shot so fast you can't tell. But a lot of boys feasting their eyes on Halle's sexy costume are gonna flip when they realize they got steamy about a bloke in a girl's costume."
Neato, Nito!
***************************
