Daily Drivel

This day in History: Dec 2, centuries ago: Kimberly Aggermon Burnett, previous costar of the long running hit The Ducky/Aggie Show was born. And there was much much MUCH rejoicing. Happy Bday, Woman!
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Link of the Day: http://dindinx.net/hotbabe/ Something for your home computer. "Hot-babe is a small graphical utility which displays the system activity in a very special way. When the CPU is idle, it displays a dressed girl, and when the activity goes up, as the temperature increases, the girl begins to undress, to finish totally naked when the system activity reaches 100%. Of course, if you can be shocked by nudity, don't use it! "

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Job Wanted: Lumberjack
A 37 year old Austrian lumberjack had a big fight with his boss at work. He stormed out and made a bee-line for his boss's house. Using his chainsaw to cut a hole through the door, the outraged employee entered the abode and surveyed his surroundings.

And then reduced every piece of furniture he saw to matchsticks. This included a table, armchair, side chair, all of the kitchen furniture and a wardrobe. Neighbors noticed the noises coming from the dude's house and called the cops, who arrived to find the (former) employee happily sitting in the carnage.

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Parents of the Year

There is a Russian couple who didn't want to cough up money for a train ticket for their 3 year old daughter. So they did what any normal couple would do and stuffed her into some carryon luggage. They took their train ride and then stopped for a couple of drinks, forgetting to pay attention to the luggage. Which was stolen.

Kiddo was found wandering about the streets of town later.
No news as to the where-abouts of the luggage.

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Artist eats fox in hunting protest

Mark McGowan is at it again. He's the dude who walked backwards through the streets of England with a turkey strapped to his head, and also rolled a peanut with his nose cross town to 10 Downing Street. Now he has eaten a fox, in protest at the public fixation with the ban on hunting.

"One million people marched against fox hunting and another million marched for it," he said. "The housing estate where I live is full of crack-heads but no one marches to help them. Everyone gets really worked up about a furry animal, but no one cares about each other."

And now, well, still no one cares and he has eaten a fox. Whoo hoo!

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Camels may overrun Australian Outback Australia is in crisis due to feral camels overrunning its territories. With no natural predators, the humped creatures are free to ravage the Australian earth and nothing, no nothing, can stop them it seems.

Nothing except killing them and eating them as per officials from the Northern Territory government. And for those wild camels running amok in the remote areas inaccessible by roads: shoot them from the air. As officials state: "There probably really isn't any other way."

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Stupid Lawmaker in Alabama

Rep Gerald Allen (R) has decided that perhaps it would be prudent to ban any novels with any gay characters from public libraries, including libraries within institutions of higher learning. He has filed his open minded bill to protect children from the "homo sexual agenda".

He says after his bill goes through he has a plan for the disposal of books that mention homosexuality as anything other than a perversion: "I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury them," he said.

His ban is worded loosely enough to allow not only the banning of "Heather has Two Mommies", but also "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and "The Color Purple". What would Oprah say? Also, it would stifle such horrid plays as Tennessee Williams' "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof".
Other than the whole moral thing, there's also the question of who decides what stays and what goes in the libraries. As Juanita Owes from the Montgomery City-County Library says: "Half the books in the library could end up being banned. It's all based on how one interprets the material."

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Link of the Day: http://www.buriedlede.com/projects/sweater.html Kevin F Sherry cleaned out his closet and found his entire collection of 80's sweaters. What better to do with them than model them and post them on a website?

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Ha ha ha. Go to Google. Type in Arabian gulf. Click 'I'm Feeling Lucky'. Tee hee.

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If at first you don't succeed...

Alin Prica, the blind Romanian who stole a car and smashed into a tree last month has done it again! Literally. Alin has again stolen a car - this time with another blind dude and a somewhat sighted dude instructing him as to where to point the steering wheel.

To his credit, he did manage to drive 25 miles this time before smashing into a tree. Last time, he only made it a tad less than a mile.

Go, Alin, Go!

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Cell Phone Etiquette

Some schmuck went to a performance of the Danish Symphony Orchestra in Copenhagen the other night, but forgot to turn off his cell phone.
Boy was he embarrassed when somebody called him. Infuriated by the ringtone in the middle of his orchestra's art, the French conductor Marc Soustrot immediately halted the concert.

The orchestra remained silent as Marc waited for the ringing to stop. Once it stopped, he had them start all over again from the top.

(Personal note: I was at a Lyle Lovett concert a couple years back...when someone's cell phone rang during it, he took the phone from the audience member and advised the person on the other end of the line that his friend was "kind of busy right now, can he call you back?" Tee hee.)

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I'm an Excellent Driver

A 78 year old dude was driving his vehicle down an 80mph expressway in eastern France when his onboard GPS computer suddenly told him to "Make a U-turn immediately."

So the septuagenarian hung a U-ey in the middle of the expressway as directed and, shockingly, caused a nice auto pile-up.

'Nuff said.

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Wanna get rich? Put your food on eBay.

We all know about the Blessed Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary of the past month. Now we have the Kellogg's ET nutri-grain nugget. Seems Chris Doyle was just about to pour milk on his cereal and, well, eat it, when he noticed that one of the pieces had an uncanny resemblance to ET. Of phone home fame.

Acting quickly, he rescued the nugget from the bowl of lowlier, more common pieces, and lacquered it to preserve it. And put it up for auction on eBay.
"I just didn't think it would go this far," he said. "I was just trying to find someone who feels the same way about E.T. as they do about the Virgin Mary."

It sold for $1035.00.

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Link of the Day: Things to do with liquid nitrogen. In case you're bored. http://www.physik.uni-augsburg.de/~ubws/nitrogen.html
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Hey...if you're looking for grilled cheese, click on this ebay link: such a selection! http://search.ebay.com/grilled-cheese_W0QQsojsZ1QQfromZR40
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Virtual Shooting, Real Blood
John Lockwood has done it. Not content with the virtual gore that video games provide to internet users, John has taken it a step further. He already has hooked up guns to the internet to let people sitting at their home computers shoot targets on his ranch in Texas.
Not satisfied with that, he now is setting up remote live game hunts. The idea is, virtual hunters pay him a sh*tload of money to allow them to control a camera and rifle pointed at a game feeder. When Bambi or Thumper comes along, click the mouse and SPLAT there goes the animal. For real. If the virtual hunter actually KILLS an animal like, say, a buck deer, rather than remotely wounding it, s/he will have to pony up some additional dollars.
John says "the technology for hunters keeps evolving, from bowhunting to high-powered rifles. This is just another step forward, another tactical advantage."
The president of the NY Bowhunters Association thinks a little differently: "Sitting remotely and pushing a button to kill another animal is nothing but perverse 21st-century slaughter."
Hmmm.
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Well this is icky.
There's a bridge in Palembang, Indonesia, which is on the verge of collapsing and vehicles larger than one ton are no longer allowed to drive on it. Big whoop, eh? Here's the poop: the reason it's going to collapse is because for the past 40 some odd years, and the reason it is now considered to be a tourist attraction, is because people seem to enjoy peeing on one of its main support piers! They've peed so much that the support is giving away and now the bridge is slanting off at a terrible angle!
Azmi Lakoni, big wig with the highway and bridge department confirms: "it is a popular spot for locals to relieve themselves."
Oh ick!
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Don't Try This at Home
24 year old former Kent, WA, resident and mensa candidate Philip Quinn decided to put his lava lamp on the stove to heat up.
It got really hot SIZZLE. And then it exploded. BOOM! Glass shard ZZZZZZZZZZIP! right into his heart. Phil staggered BUMP BUMP BUMP into his bedroom. And died CROAK THUMP.
The saddest part is, drugs and alcohol are NOT suspected as being involved in this act of fatal stupidity.
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For the Person Who Has Everything
Here's a coolio present you can buy for that special someone - one that will make him or her think of you every single month. Don't settle for the fruit of the month, or pie of the month, or flower of the month clubs: go for the Peanut Butter and Jelly of the Month Club!
Yes, for a mere $250 per year you can have one jar of peanut butter and one jar of jelly delivered to the door of your intestinally deprived friend. This includes not just run of the mill crunchy peanut butter and grape jelly. No! They even supply hot and spicy peanut butter and kudzu jelly.
I'm sure you're interested, so here's the website: www.lovepbj.com
Enjoy!
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Pig pleasuring OK
Reality TV in England has hit a new low. Folks who tuned in to The Farm recently had the dubious honor of watching David Beckham's ex, Rebecca Loos, stimulate a pig for 10 minutes on camera in an attempt to fill a flask with semen.
Viewers were miffed, calling in with complaints ranging from shock at apparent bestiality to condemnation of the scenes as 'morbid and sordid'.
Channel 5 was taken to court for breaching decency standards, and have come out victorious. Apparently, this kind of activity is perfectly normal on a pig farm and happens all the time.
And, most importantly, the ruling stated :"We don't believe that the scene was degrading or harmful to the boar."
Now I know why that guy in yesterday's missive wants to go live in a pigsty for 3 weeks....
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Mystery Woman Saves Child's Life
Shakirah Harley, 13 months old, was trapped in an overturned car Sunday morning in a canal down in Florida. An unknown woman stopped to help the family get out of the vehicle, and performed CPR on Shakirah. After making sure Shakirah was okay, and that the police had everything under control, said woman disappeared, not wanting or needing publicity for doing a really great thing.
Cool.
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Link of the Day: http://captainpackrat.com/Misc/galleryoftheabsurd.htm Gallery of the absurd. I've seen it done before, and possibly better, but it's still worth a giggle or two.
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An update from Lord Mutter regarding Regina's I-69 story of prior weeks... http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/i69.asp

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Old Porn Up For Grabs
Sotheby's is now in the porn industry! Up on the auction block next month is "Sodom", the first known piece of printed pornography (dated mid-1670's). The book is all about a lustful King who decided to "set the nation free [through] buggary...thro' all the land", and is filled to the brim with details of the action and consequences.
Says Sotheby's book guy Peter Beal: "It is one of the most notorious publications in literature and makes most pornography written 300 years later seem tame."
It is expected to go for $84,000.
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Family Ties
Brilliant action in Newark, NJ this past week. On Friday, Kevin Winston was really really mad because his 16 year old vixen daughter came home trashed. So he called the cops to teach her a lesson.
Wily girl that she is, when the cops appeared she raced to them to let them know that she was scared of her dad and the dangerous things he kept in the house. She supported her statement by leading the cops to Dad's stash: hundreds of cocaine vials and a fine supply of semiautomatic weapons.
Kevin's now facing all sorts of charges re: drugs and firearms, and his drunken wench of a daughter is hanging out at the home of a relative.
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This place is a pigsty!!!
Ralph Hahnheuser thinks it's horrible that pigs in South Australia are forced to live in..well...a pigsty. Ralph, a member of Animal Liberation of South Australia, is so outraged by the porkers' position that he is planning to live like a pig for the next 3 weeks.
He is running about trying to get Australian piggeries to let him live in a pigpen for 3 weeks, suffering pressure sores and pneumonia like the swine he so loves. "This is not something that should be done willy-nilly...I'll be fortunate in that I'll be monitored routinely and if things become completely unbearable, I will be able to pull out of it. The best a pig can hope for is a bullet in the head."
Sadly, he cannot find any pigsty that will have him. Perhaps he'll just have to settle for that bullet.
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Optimists Club Feeling Down The Quakertown Optimists Club is shutting down for good next month. For 24 years, this happy little gang has helped kids in the area through contests, sponsoring a bowling league, and even sending kids to sports events.
But now there's much less interest in these joyous things. So they're closing up shop. Quitting. Giving up the ghost.
The official comment? Club president Bernard Kensky summed it up when he said, "I feel sad."
:-(