Daily Drivel

OMG. I'm getting all these requests for the daily missive! GAK! So here's a rush job. A quickie, if you will.

I have no idea what happened today in history and frankly, I don't care.

There are no amusing links out there today. They instituted a moratorium on all fun websites just for today. Bummer, eh?

No penile choppage to report on. So sad.

*************************************

Jack Sprat Would Eat No...

Allah Wasayo from Pingrio, Pakistan, is in serious need of some matchmaking. Or of a good dietician. Allah has been mourning the fact that he can't seem to get married. Women keep on turning down his marriage proposals because his eating habits are so odd that their families fear that he will digest the woman who marries him!

Too cool!

Allah enjoys eating carpets, teacups, the occasional light, glass and grass...oh, and lots of people food too. As Allah says, "All eatables taste the same to me. I eat carpets, cups, saucers, pieces of glass, pulao, chicken karahi and grass with the same fervour. My stomach has also been X-rayed but nothing wrong or abnormal was detected. And despite the fact that I eat so much, I don't have a paunch."

I wonder how he would do against Shirley the sausage lover...

************************************

Ah HA! The Shepherd Stories are TRUE!

In South Africa, Northern Cape veterinarians are examining and interesting fetus found inside a sheep. What makes it interesting, you ask?

Its lower body resembles that of a human baby! It's tongue is like that of a human being! Part sheep, part human.

Disgruntled sheep, relaxed and happy shepherd.

Hmmmm.

The official statement by agricultural officials is that it's just a deformed lambikins whose mom was eating poisonous plants.

Uh huh.

***********************************

Police, Fire, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

WBAL-TV in Baltimore has obtained and published a copy of an emergency call placed in Anne Arundel MD Wednesday morning. Patricia Berg called for police assistance, but apparently her story to the dispatcher just wasn't interesting enough:

Caller: Ah, I was woken up ... (inaudible) ... You know when someone runs your hand across a pane of glass, how it makes that noise? The only place I can think of is my sliding glass door, and I woke up to check it out. I didn't see anything.
Operator: (Snoring) (SNORING CONTINUES FOR 1 MINUTE AND 48 SECONDS BEFORE DISPATCHER AWAKENS)
Caller: Hello?
Operator: Yes, Hello?
Caller: I was just wondering if you were still there.
Operator: Yes ... (inaudible) What's the problem?
Caller: I already told you. You don't remember me letting you know what is wrong?

Patty got miffed and complained to the 911 supervisor on duty, and for now the operator is on vacation. Perhaps getting some much needed rest.

Police are trying to figure out what to do with the tenured operator: "Well, I'm not sure that you can train someone to stay awake. Again, we have to find out exactly why that occurred," said a police spokesman.

***********************************

Today in History: Aug 4 1892 Someone takes an axe and kills Lizzie Borden's millionaire parents. Andrew receives 10 whacks, and Abby 14. Lizzie didn't do it. And between golf excursions she conducted numerous hunts to find 'the real killer'. Oh wait, that wasn't Lizzie...

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Electoral Vote Predictor. Interesting.

Protect Yourself!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Lost: 400 ton steel bridge

Big steel bridge, broken into many parts. Last seen in a warehouse in Gdansk, Poland. Somehow has disappeared. Great sentimental value. Please call if you've seen it!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Why Johnny Can't Read excuse 427

According to health educator Taylor Grant, there is a direct relationship between the increase in kids' homework and childhood obesity rates rising. Taylor says that not only does the increase in time spent sitting and thinking contribute to the problem, but also the increase in homework has led to a rise in anxiety levels in the kiddo's. Kids get anxious, and they turn - where - to FOOD!

The Clearwater FL educator is requesting that parents stand up for their kids: "For the good of kids, parents need to say, `Put down that homework and get outside and play!'

How about the parents stock the house with good for you snack foods, and let the kids play before or after the homework is done?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Mmmmm Weiners...

Shirley Giarrusso LOVES her weiners like a champion. And now, is being recognized for it. Tomorrow (Aug 5th), Shirly will be officially named "America's Most Enthusiastic Bratwurst Sausage Lover" at the annual Brat Days festival in Sheboygan, WI.

She loves her sausage SO much, in fact, that she is even going to see how many she can suck down in 10 minutes at the festival. Whoo hoo!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Don't Play in the Fountain!

How many times has Mom said 'don't play in the fountain'? Well, a 14 year old boy in Hong Kong ignored the sage advice and stuck his hand in a fountain hoping to catch a fish (derrrr).

Turns out the fish caught him, as someone had disposed of their pet piranhas in the fountain.

Chomp Chomp Chomp went the little fishies. Waaaah Eeeek Ew went the boy.

He only needed three stitches (darn), but the fountain was drained as a result. The offending pirahnas are now deceased.

***************************************
It's the Heat

Markus Miller is an angry ice cream man. So angry in fact, that when an 18 year old woman had a battle with him (over which flavor ice cream, I don't know), Markus went back in his truck, grabbed his pistol, and shot her.

He was aiming for her feet (just to scare her, ya see), but shrapnel or something still managed to get her in the collar bone.

"It is not a normal or legal thing, anywhere in the country to carry a handgun without a permit while selling ice cream," said Sergeant Eric Holtzclaw, a spokesman with the Enid, OK, Police Department.

NOTE: THAT IS SPECIFICALLY WHILE SELLING ICE CREAM, people! Don't go getting all 'crazy' on me, now!

*********************************

Christmas Not Cancelled in South Africa

Despite reports to the contrary, Home Affairs Minister Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula has assured South Africans that Christmas is still on in their fine land. There's been a flurry of upset since the Sunday Times reported that Christmas may be on the outs, so Nosiviwe made it official that it's still an okay holiday.

However, kids still can't write to Santa. Nosiviwe still stands by the ban, because it's wrong to "profit from the natural credulity of children [and perpetuate] a falsehood that could break the fragile spirits of the already disillusioned youth of South Africa."

Ho ho ho.

*********************
Link of the Day:

*********************
And Picture of the Day (thanks much, Lord Mutter!)

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Hail to the Chief

This whole 'election' thing really just doesn't matter to at least one resident of the USA. That would be Caesar St Augustine de Buonaparte, a guy from Los Angeles, CA, who declared himself the emperor of America back in 1996.

See, back then he sent a letter to Bill Clinton declaring war on the US. Since Clinton never wrote back, Caesar declared victory and became the leader of the US. Word has it that he still fails to understand why the government and media refuse to tell the American public...so he owes ME big time, eh?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

German Passport Progress

It's now official: Germans are allowed to stick their tongues out in their passport photos.

Alexander Mechthold fought for that right after he was told that his picture with his tongue out was illegal and could not be used on his passport.

Well, the courts found that there is no rule that specifically states that tongues cannot be visible on passport photos, so Al is one happy guy.

He did, however, have to sign a statement that said he wouldn't go to court if border officers had a problem with the shot.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Rain, Rain, Go Away....

Miyi Shongi picked the wrong Zimbabwean trader to rip off. She refused to pay the trader for some clothing she got. So the trader cursed her, and she now is followed by raining-down stones where ever she goes.

She was even kicked out of her village three weeks ago by her family and neighbors because they were so tired of the racket and mess. So she moved far away. And she's still being stoned.

Police spokesperson Ailwei Mushavhanamadi is one of the officials investigating the phenomenon: "We were there for nearly the whole night and saw stones falling from the sky like rain. We went around the area to make sure someone wasn't throwing stones on the roof on purpose, but we didn't find anyone."

Miyi appears to have two options: get a stronger cursemonger to stop the rocks, or just pay for the darned clothes!

****************************

Crazy Women Drivers

This is just odd...and what a way to wake up!

A woman driving a Christine-esque (Stephen King) Ford Focus was driving downhill in Excelsior Springs, MO, when she lost control of her car. Said auto went down a ravine, became airborne, flew over a pickup truck and BAM right into a 14 year old's bedroom, landing on top of him.

Somehow, he came out of it okay (else I wouldn't put it in here, as that would be wrong). Dude has some stitches and a couple of burns on his feet. But his dad says "He's doing pretty good and keeping his humor. He's a pretty strong kid."

Definitely. The woman is hospitalized, by the way. Investigators believe she suffered from some medical problem before the accident. Kiddo's been released from the hospital.

Today in History: August 2, 1939 - Albert Einstein signed a letter to President Roosevelt urging the U.S. to have an atomic weapons research program.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Odd link of the day: Can you tell if a person is alive or dead just from a picture? Participate in a study by the Institute of Noetic Sciences. http://www.psiarcade.com/diagnose/intro.html

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Orange You Glad You're Reading This?

Heck, when I was a kid and I'd hide food in my bedroom, I'd get in trouble from mom and dad.

Guess things were different back in 1921, when Margie Clark's dad had an orange that he was going to give to his sister for Christmas. He hid it in a dresser drawer and then promptly forgot about it. For a few years.

"The next time he saw it, the orange had started to get really hard, like a rock," Margie said.
After finding the hard-as-a-rock orange, Margie's dad thought it would be really smart to put it in a trunk and save it for a few more years.

That he did.

Margie waxes rhapsodic when telling how, when she was 8, she'd go up to his trunk and play with his orange, bapping it about.

So when Dad died, the orange was passed on down to Margie, who's about 80 years old at this point.

Now she's planning on passing the rotten fruit on to her offspring when she dies.

"It's almost unbelievable," she said. "That must have been a perfect orange to last this long."

Uh, yeah.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A team of scientists at Stanford University noticed that there are courtship rituals followed by fruit flies and thought that maybe this would enlighten them regarding the courtship fates of humans.

These rituals include things like chasing the female, tapping her with his leg, singing by vibrating wings, then a little touching and fly-cuddling before trying to mate. Translated: foreplay.

So they messed around with the basic cell structure of a bunch of flies and compared their mating success with the success of un-mucked-about flies.

Turns out that the fumbling flies who had their cells messed with tried to race through the foreplay and ultimately didn't score. Those who DID do the foreplay and showed some sensitivity on a fruit fly level, DID score.

So there ya have it.

I wonder if they spooned afterward?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


It had been such a while, I was thinking this trend had ended! Thanks to Po Dong (Really!), a migrant worker from Myanmar. Poor Dong became greatly saddened when his wife, Kate, refused to have sex with him last Thursday.

So he slammed down whiskey all night and worked himself into a rage. Friday he tried again, and again was rebuffed.

At that point, Dong freaked out, grabbed a pair of scissors, and lopped off his wing ding.

But wait! There's more!

He then took the member and cut it into several bite sized pieces and stabbed himself in the belly as he shrieked at his wife!

He's in the hospital now. And I believe he won't be having sex for a long long long time.
Perhaps he should have paid attention to the fruit flies.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Those Who Can, Do, Those Who Can't. . .

Dieter R Wolf has been teaching others to drive for many years. In fact, he has passed over 1,000 students who have gone on to obtain their drivers' licenses. So sad that he doesn't have a license himself.

This was discovered after Dieter had a minor accident with a truck recently, his first in 4 decades of driving cars, tractors, and even military tanks.

When asked why he had gone so long without a license, especially considering his profession, Dieter admitted that he failed his first driving test 43 years ago: "I flunked it because I drove too fast at a roundabout and didn't come to a complete standstill at a stop sign, I was too afraid to try again."

Chicken! B-kaw!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Speaking of Chickens...from the ever-helpful Lord Mutter:

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badges

Key West, FL, has been plagued by chickens of late and in January city officials hired Armando Parra Sr to rid the city of the foul fowl. The rate: $20 per clucker caught through Sept 30, 2004. Limit: 900.

The city issued Armando a Hit List for the chickens , telling him specifically which poultry to plunder. Unfortunately for Armando, the birds tend to wander and it was difficult to execute a proper hit. In fact, since January he has only bagged 542 birds, and has now decided that he is going to become a freelance chicken catcher.

"I just thought it was a better idea if I went out on my own," said Armando. "You either catch them or you don't. This thing about getting designated chickens in designated areas, that's impossible."

The stress of being the city's designated bird hacker wore on Armando's nerves. Taunts were thrown. Rotisseries were mockingly left in his city-issued bird cages. Traps were stomped. Armando fled the town for 11 days recently, because he "couldn't take it anymore."

One could say, I guess, that Armando the Chicken Catcher was fried.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

More T-Shirt Issues

Oscar Arela and his hot chick girlfriend Tala Tow were kicked off of Flight 952 at the Miami International Airport this past Saturday. Tala says that four Miami-Dade police officers and 3 federal security agents swept the couple off of the flight because...(drumroll)...a flight attendant was offended by Oscar's teeshirt and he refused to remove it or turn it inside-out.

As Tala tells it, the image on the t-shirt is "a picture of a man and woman, and the woman's breast is showing. The flight attendant basically walked up to us and yelled, 'You have to take off that shirt right now."'

The spokesperson from the airline said that he _HEARD_ that it was a picture of a graphic of a naked couple having sex. As such, it violated the airline's unspoken proper attire requirement.

The flight left 90 minutes late without them, and the airline gave the couple a refund.

Of course the ACLU is jumping in on this, with a surprisingly coherent argument from Howard Simon, Executive Director: "I'd like to figure out how a T-shirt that offends one member of the crew somehow impacts the safety of the flight or the ability of the flight to continue to New York. If they want to permit this kind of action by flight attendants, then they better have a clear policy that is announced in advance and made known to passengers in advance."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

My Ice Cream is Too Cold!

Some freaky woman in Romania filed an official complaint with the consumer protection authority in Slatina because, she said, her ice cream was too darned cold.

The trading standards officials have accepted her complaint and will consider it, however the head of the agency, Ion Carzon, has already kind of stated his view on the matter:"We had strange complaints before but this one is really something. This lady actually got hot because her ice-cream was too cold."

I guess it was her first Brain Freeze experience.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Oh. I forgot. THIS is a gross disgusting link to a gross disgusting food display. HELP ME! Thoracic cake. Oh my.

Today in History, August 1, 1981: Cable music network MTV launches, by airing "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles, followed by Pat Benatar's "You Better Run." Ya see, MTV used to play these things called ‘Music Videos’. Yeah.
***************************************

Link of the moment:

Forget all that crap you've learned in school. The earth is flat, dammit! Well, it WAS. Until the evil conspiracy of Television Broadcasters got involved...


***************************************
Blast From the Past Courtesy of Lord Mutter

I don’t know HOW I missed this, but back around February 11th of this year, Toledo OH’s mayor Carty Finkbeiner proposed an interesting and intriguing solution to his constituency when complaints arose regarding noise from the Toledo Express Airport.

In response to the angry airport neighbors who complained about the jet noise, Carty suggested that perhaps to solve the issue, they could just “Move deaf people into the neighborhood.” He additionally suggested that they could offer said deaf people the homes that the angry hearing people would be deserting.

"I think there may be people out there interested in living in a nice home if the noise factor was not going to be a problem," Finkbeiner said.

However, at least one deaf woman called the suggestion an insult, and pointed out that deaf people can still feel the vibrations from jets.

So there.

To my knowledge, Carty’s suggestion was not a success, and the airport neighbors are still hearing and still bitter.

***************************************

Kerry Speech Interrupted by Technical Expletives

CNN kinda sorta goofed when covering John Kerry's acceptance speech at the DNC.

Accidentally broadcast during the speech were the words of anger spoken by convention center director Don Mischer, who was upset about the slow release of celebratory balloons.

Specifically: "Jesus, we need more balloons. I want all balloons to go, goddamn. All balloons - where the hell - there's nothing falling ... what the f**k are you guys doing up there?"

Heh heh heh.

************************************
Hot Pants!

Daniel Gabriel Doyle was happily working on his meth production when a knock came at the front door of his abode. Quickly thinking, Danny boy shoved a film canister with a mixture of red phosphorous and iodine into his pants' pocket and then answered the door, where some social services workers were waiting for him.

The social workers from LaFayette GA asked him to fill out some forms, and walked him out to their car. As he was sitting in the back seat, KABLAM! The front of his pants exploded!!!

He was treated for 2nd and 3rd degree burns to his little jumblies and to his leg.

Then was jailed for methamphetamine production.

That's gotta smart.

*********************************
Dentist Oddity Number 327

Dr Joseph P Gronka of Scott Township, PA, was enjoying a nice motorcycle ride with his wench on the back, when he was pulled over by the cops for more than just a helmet violation.
See, Joey's good friend Lisa Drozdowski, kinda was naked as a jaybird as she straddled the back of his bike.
Feisty little wench that she is, Lisa pitched a major hissy when she was taken into custody. Not having any pockets on her naked self, she tossed a teeny tiny pipe into her holding cell toilet to dispose of it. When an officer tried to stop her from flushing, she freaked and kicked said officer.
Lisa was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, tampering with evidence, resisting arrest and open lewdness.


*************************************

Orangutan Kickboxing Outrage

Owners of Safari World in Bangkok have been suiting their orangutans up in shorts and gloves and having them perform choreographed kickboxing tournaments.

The IPPL (International Primate Protection League) is upset with this, and are urging Thailand to ban these degrading displays. IPPL Spokesman Cyril Rosen says, "It's outrageous. There's no question of it being justifiable in any sort of way.

"Most young animals are very flexible and they do what they are told - it's what happens to them afterwards. Their eventual fate is an early death."

Most outrageous to ME, though, is that the orangutans are accompanied by bikini-clad chimpanzees who wear bout number cards.

And I bet they don't even shave their armpits.