Friday, August 20, 2004
Mammoth Melon
Scott Robb is one proud farmer. The Alaskan 'giant produce' competitor started growinga cantaloupe in his greenhouse in April. Watching it with loving care, surrounding it with rodent-deterring mousetraps, Scott waited. And waited.
And has been rewarded with a 64.8 pound muskmelon. Said muskmelon will be appearing at the Alaska State Fair in Palmer, Alaska, if you want to visit and take a peek at this wonder melon.
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Speaking of Big Melons...
Sabrina Sabrok, an Argentine comedian, wants nothing more in life than to be a record-breaking 42 triple X. Currently a 42GGG (after 14 enhancements), she has decided to ignore the Plastic Surgeons' Association of Argentina warning that the weight of her boobies would be too much for the rest of her body.
As the experts say, "there needs to be balance on the body and she will lose that if the breasts go too big".
Guess maybe she'd tip over. But it would be a soft landing. HA!
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OMG! It's Farva!
So a police officer (PC Doble) in Somerset responded to a call about a break-in in a probation office in Somerset UK. He returned to his patrol car to find the Ford Focus had been booted.
See, he had parked in a private lot and over-eager Dave Stoodley follows the rules. If you don't live there, you get booted. Cop, Santa Claus, Lord Mutter himself, you get booted.
Officer Doble called for backup, but Dave insisted that the call was not an emergency so the car should not have been parked where it was.
All told, three cops and Dave fought for about an hour over this amazing adherence to the letter of the law. Ultimately, the police car was released after the car park owner agreed to waive the fee.
Dave still says he's right. "Why should the police have special privileges?," he said.
Why indeed, Dave, why indeed...
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What's in a Name?
Nick Mann apparently has a reputation he didn't know about. But Prudential Insurance knows about it.
Hence they sent the Bedfordshire man a letter that stated:
"Dear Mr Shagslikeadonkey, Moving your home insurance to Prudential could save about £80 . . ."
A Prudential spokesman said that it turns out a former employee put the name in their system ages ago, and gosh they're sorry.
He added: "One individual let us down. We'll review our safeguards."
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WWYT?
An unidentified woman didn't curl into a ball of tears when her divorce from a physically abusive man went final. Quite the contrary. The Saudi woman threw a $4000 party in a public park, whooping it up with family, friends, and the occasional stranger with much drinking and merriment.
What makes this one different from all the other $4,000 What Were You Thinking parties out there? This one was in Riyadh - ultra conservative land of stick-with-it-till-ya-die-even-if-he's-abusive-and-such viewpoint.
Rock on, lady!
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Follow Up on the Pump Judge
Remember the Pump Judge of former missives? The one in Oklahoma who got his jollies with his jumblies and an enhancement pump while presiding over court cases?
Get this: Tomorrow, this guy was likely going to be suspended as his case was to be heard by the State Court on the Judiciary. So he beat them to the punch and resigned. By resigning, he gets to quit work and still retire with a full pension.
In his resignation letter, he had this to say:
"I have greatly enjoyed my public service and offer my gratitude for the public trust reposed in me during the terms I served."
Greatly enjoyed his public service.
Why yes, yes he did.
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Would you eat them in a box?
Charles Augustus Steen is one angry camper. He is trying to extort the widow of Dr Seuss by threatening to make public a raunchy painting of Horton, the Who's, the Grinch, and who KNOWS who else doing the nasty in a cartoon orgy. Highly distressing.
Charlie wants 2.5 million dollars to keep the dirty picture to himself. He also has a secondary extortion plot going on. He wants money to compensate him for "Daisy-Head Mayzie" - a story he says was plagiarized by Dr Seuss.
If he doesn't receive 2.5 million dollars from Dr Seuss's widow for THAT one, he is going to publish a book entitled "The tragical history of Audrey Geisel, or How the Grinch Plagiarized My Goddam Children's Story".
I'm hoping she doesn't pay.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Link of the day: http://www.deadendstreet.com/samples/PDF/TheEternityPlan-Sample.pdf
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Hamster Blood Bath
An Italian man is in hot water for the way he chose to dispose of his rodents. Apparently, he chose to kill his six pet hamsters and a guinea-pig by hurling them off of his balcony at passing vehicles.
The hamsters weren't such a problem, but the guinea-pig smashed a windshield of a passing car. When police went to investigate, they found little hamster bodies littering the street. Using special detective senses, they figured out the trajectory of the little buggers' bodies and determined that they came from the grumpy old man's apartment.
He says it's all a mistake. He was sweeping off the balcony and accidentally knocked the animals off.
Knocked them off is right!
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New Bible on the Market
Hey Kids! There's a new version of the bible out there taking the world by storm. Entitled Good as New: A Radical Retelling of the Scriptures, the book by John Henson has got many a stodgy religious person in a tizzy.
With a foreward by Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, leader of the Church of England and 77 million Anglicans worldwide, this version is very different from the old King James bible. In The Archbishop's words, it is a translation "of extraordinary power."
Observe some of the modifications:
Previously, we learned in Mark 1:10-11 that after Jesus was baptized by John, the baptist saw "the Spirit descending upon him like a dove; and a voice came from heaven, 'Thou art my beloved Son; with thee I am well pleased'
Now we learn that "A pigeon flew down and perched on him. Jesus took this as a sign that God's Spirit was with him. A voice from overhead was heard saying, 'That's my boy!' "
Another snippet for comparison: 1 Corinthians 7:2,9 has Paul teaching that "each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband" and that if unmarried folk "cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion"
Now we see that Paul ACTUALLY said: "My advice is for everyone to have a regular partner. ... If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated!"
For those who enjoyed the following books from the original - 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 2 Peter, 2 and 3 John, Jude and Revelation - you're out of luck. Henson kinda took them out. But he DID put in the book of Thomas (who previously was dissed by Christian folks-in-the-know).
Sounds fun to me! Now if I could just finish Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal...
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Sorry, Can't Help Ya.
Christina Lauwers from Antwerp, Belgium, can't register her car. In spite of much evidence to the contrary, the Belgian Central Administration is convinced that she is dead and that's their story & they're sticking to it.
Christina tried to convince them. "They wouldn't accept my word that I was still alive. They said they based their information on official data by the Belgian central administration."
Ah, red tape at its best. At least now she won't have to pay taxes!
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Very superstitious
Florin Carcu didn't want to leave his house this past Friday the 13th. The triscadecaphobic even requested the day off at work, in the interest of safety.
So he stayed home.
And while he was brewing some coffee in his safe kitchen, he was stung by a wasp.
And died.
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Bees Hold Apartment Building Residents Hostage
Some wise young children from Santa Ana, CA, thought it would be fun last week to pelt a 500 pound bee hive with rocks. The hive, you see, had been accumulating inside the walls of their apartment building for the past few years and was so big that it was threatening the structural integrity of the building. So what better to do with a gargantuan beehive than throw rocks at it?
Surprisingly, this was NOT as good an idea as it seemed.
About 120,000 angry bees swarmed out in response and held residents and neighbors alike hostage for hours before they finally calmed down and returned to their hive. Later on, an exterminator fogged the hive: 40,000 deceased buggies were vacuumed out and an additional 80,000 returning worker bees were captured.
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BONK!
Pauline Aguss was hanging out the wash in Suffolk the other day when BAM! She was struck by a meteorite!
The small, brown metallic rock which slashed her arm is being studied to confirm its origin.
If it turns out that it truly is a meteorite, Pauline will have the honor of being the first human receiving a wound from a meteorite on record! In fact, the last time a living creature was reported as struck down was sometime in the last century when a dog in Egypt was conked and died.
Huh.
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Ex Wives Ruin EVERYTHING!
Daniel Waggoner robbed a bank branch in a Middletown, OH, Kroger grocery store. Bummer for Danny, his nosy ex-wife saw him driving on Route 122 and was curious as to what he was doing in the area. She tried to stop at the bank herself and was informed of the robbery.
She put 2 and 2 together and figured out that it was her low-life scumsucking ex, and mentioned to a teller at another branch (since this one was closed) that Danny was a bank robber who had gotten out of prison for robbery just in the past year.
Dontcha know, she looked at a picture from the bank surveillance camera and it WAS Danny Boy!
Danny's back in custody.
Shoulda known better to knock off a bank where his ex lived. Duh.
Monday, August 16, 2004
Thought provoking link of the day:
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Thought provoking comment of the day: Jim Mutter RULES!!!!!!!
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Hubble catches space fart!
The Hubble Space Telescope may have another chance at life thanks to a giant fart!
Seems an unnamed star out there is losing 100 million times fore mass per second than even our own Sun, and it's releasing a stream of...er...particals that are getting trapped in a stellar wind. Which then creates a HUGE gas bubble!
Hubble's Wide Field Planetary Camera 2, which isolates light emitted by sulphur, has caught the gassy bubble and NASA is way impressed.
So impressed, in fact, that NASA chief Sean O'Keefe reported on Wednesday that they are now going to try to send a robot servicing mission up to save the previously doomed telescope.
Said repairs could extend the telecope's life by about 5 years or so. Doing so would allow it to die a natural, predetermined death, rather than being slammed spectacularly into the earth's water.
So sad for those who wanted to see the impact .
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UNFAIR! UNFAIR!
Sammy's been arrested now. Not for begging. But for dressing up as a pregnant woman to beg, and thus increasing his daily income. And that's just wrong.
Police said: "He told us that the would triple the amount of money he made by dressing up as a pregnant woman and that he thought that was unfair because he was a man and would never be able to get pregnant for real."
So there. I think he should sue from his prison cell.
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German soldiers to be happier, more relaxed
German armed forces have now officially been given the go-ahead to have sex within ranks, and boy are they happy.
Commanders are to use "organisationsal and other measures" to provide "room for personal development." Rank is not a question, nor is the dastardly het/homo question an issue. As Dr Ruth always said, "If it feels good, do it."
The German forces, made up of 253,000 men and 10,600 women are rather excited by this new development.
Biggest limitation: no sex during work hours, which would be considered a 'disruption of service operations'.
Well...disruption of SOME service operations wink wink nudge nudge
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Blind Woman Gets Ticket For Displaying Disabled Tag Backwards
91 year old Alice Barnes put her disabled permit on the dashboard of her son's car and toddled off. She returned to find a ticket and a £30 fine, because said permit was not facing the correct direction.
Blackpool police have defended their action, stating "We can only stress again the importance of people reading the guidelines issued with the permit. If they follow these carefully, there won't be a problem."
Uh. She's blind. Ahem.
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From The Illustrious Lord Mutter:
Forget Dog Fights: 115 Arrested for Illegal Insect Fights
115 men were arrested in Hong Kong on Sunday for illegal gambling: on insect fights. The fights were taking place in the same building that housed a cricket lovers' association.
300 crickets were siezed along with cash, and the bug gamblers were still in custody Sunday, awaiting charges.
Illegal gambling, whether on bugs or other, carries a maximum penalty of $1,280 and three months' imprisonment.
