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Friday, June 18, 2004

Today in History: June 18, 1998 - David Cassidy began selling a two-CD set exclusively on the cable TV shopping network QVC. And if THAT's not news, I don't know what IS! Oh...wait...

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I've been very hard at work today, so Lord Mutter contributed a full 100% of today's missive material for me to tweak for your reading enjoyment. Thank you EVER so much, Lord Mutter.

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New Investment Proposal


Strategist James Montier of Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein, a German investment company, has started offering very interesting investment advice. Rather than recommending investing in pork bellies or something of that sort, James has sent a letter to his clients to invest more in sex and sleep. He recommends that folks have more sex, preferably with someone they love though the occasional fun boff is certainly okay, and reflect on the simple joys of life as they get plenty of sleep. Oh,and do invest a bit of money in something, so that James can earn his paycheck.

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Escape From Alcatraz?

A 28 year old inmate in a central Portugal prison just can't seem to get it right.

Direction impaired Bucky had tried escaping once before shortly after being incarcerated in 1996 for bobbery. He failed, and spent the last 8 years planning his next Great Escape.

He dug dug dug a tunnel, and was only 21 metres away from the outside air when discovered last week. Bummer it was going the wrong direction. Instead of popping him up outside the prison walls, it would have popped him up in the middle of the interior patio of the prison.

I think they should have just let him keep digging so they could laugh at him when he came up. But that's just me.


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U2's Bozo Breaches Irish Smoking Ban


U2 lead singer Bono was hanging out in a hotel he owns in Dublin,Ireland, entertaining his buddies the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Staff came up, told him he was breaking the law and and and MADE HIM STUB OUT HIS SCHMIGGARETTE!

Oh, the humanity!!!!!




Thursday, June 17, 2004

Today in History: June 17, 1994: OJ Simpson leads police and America on one of the slowest pursuits in history whilst driving along in his bronco through the streets of LA.

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Oh Ick.


A man in Sofia, ZA, went to the doctor because he had swelling around his left eye, and he was having troubles seeing. Docs thought that it was likely an infection and cut in to clear it. How yucky for them to find a 10-cm long worm squiggling around in there! Apparently, a bug left a worm egg in the guy's eye (don't ask) and the little creature had been happily living there for quite some time.


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Long Kiss Goodnight


The two lovebirds went out for an evening of drinking and fun. Back at her home, one thing led to another and they were exchanging a passionate goodnight kiss. He drew her closer to him, squeezing her tightly. So she 'accidentally' bit his tongue off. By reflex. "I guess I bit down too hard," she explained to police.

Police went back to her place to find the remainder of the tongue, but had no luck. They estimate that it was a goodly chunk of about 1.5 inches. She says she doesn't remember, but she thinks she may have swallowed it.

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Annie Git Yer Gun


Those dagnabbed squirrels are really ticking off 78 year old Alberta Jones. Heck, just this past Sunday she go so fed up with the squirrels raiding her bird feeders that she grabbed her 16-gauge shotgun and stomped down back to send the squirrels to their final feeding ground.
So sad for Alberta: the gun accidentally discharged, the pellets ricocheted off her floor, and slammed into both of her legs. She has undergone surgery for one of the wounds, as the pellet was stuck in her pretty darned well.
Alberta isn't being slowed down by this, though. She swears she'll keep on shooting the critters and using firecrackers to get them to leave her bird feeder alone.

"My neighbors call me Annie Oakley," she said.



I'm willing to bet they call her something else as well.


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I wonder what would happen if...

A 20 year old employee of a furniture store employee (whose name is not being released to protect the stupid), has now got an answer to his question: I wonder what would happen if I held a lighter to my pants after saturating them with this highly flammable furniture finishing fluid?

The answer: they'll catch on fire, cause you burns to your legs, and burn down part of the building, you fool!

"He put a lighter to his pants to see if they would ignite, an EMT told me," said Dan Slayton, a Furniture by Thurston business manager. "It just baffles me."


That's just beautiful!


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Today in History: June 16, 1977: Leonid Brezhnev was named the first Soviet president of the USSR. He was the first person to hold the post of president and Communist Party General Secretary. He replaced Nikolai Podgorny.
But more importantly, June 16, 1980: The movie "The Blues Brothers" opened in Chicago, IL.

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Dude, Where's My Car?


An unobservant woman in Germany walked 60 miles home in a huff thinking that her husband had left her at a service station. The angry exhausted woman appeared at her doorstep 15 hours after stomping out of the service station, only to find out that she had simply not seen the car in the lot. (Caring hubby had called the police, concerned when wifey didn't come back to the car, in case anyone is wondering)

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Always aware of developments on the potty front, Glenn McMillen provides the following important news byte:

Equality!


The Glastonbury Festival opens in England on June 25th, and this year along with extraordinary bands, theatre, and art, there will be a new installation: SHE PEE Urinals!

No longer will bladder challenged women have to stand cross legged in line for the unisex urinals, trying to conquer any aiming issues they may have. Now they have their very own pink Female-styled urinals equipped with anatomically shaped funnels to assist in the stand-up marksmanship they need.

A spokesman for the festival states that this is "equality for women, basically."
The pink She Pees were unveiled for the Glastonbury Festival in a ribbon-cutting ceremony today, but this is not the first time they've ever been used.
The same anonymous spokesman reports: "They are well-tested."

Well, that's a relief.


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101-Year-Old Man Parachutes Into Record Books

Not to be outdone by George Bush, Frank Moody, a 101 year old man from Australia, accepted a drunken dare from friends and successfully completed a tandem jump from an airplane at Skydive Cairns today. Estimated drop: @10,000 ft, give or take a hundred.
Video and such will be provided to Guinnss Book of World Records, with the expectation that Frank is now the oldest parachutist in history (previously held by a 94 year old whippersnapper).

Cool.

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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

This Day in History: June 15, 1992 - U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle instructed a student to spell "potato" with an "e" on the end during a spelling bee. He had relied on a faulty flash card that had been written by the student's teacher.

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Quick Dry


Roger Daniel was clocked at 120km/h in a 50km/h zone this past Sunday, and when the cops pulled him over he had quite the creative explanation: he had just washed his car and was trying to dry it off. In court, he explained: "I have a bad back and just thought I would do that (drive at speed) to dry the car instead of having to chamois it dry." He was fined $300 and had his license suspended.

He's a thinker, that one.

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Hey Buddy Can Ya Give Me A Lift?


David Bowman, a mature 41 year old male, appeared before Judge Thomas Higgins on charges of violating probation by smoking crack, charging $6000 on his mommy's credit card, and then threatening to burn her house down when she said she'd turn him in.
He didn't mind that the Judge deemed him guilty and sentenced him to more prison time.
But he DID mind the thought of riding on that nasty prison bus all the way back to the slammer.
So he asked Judge Higgins for a ride to prison, if you please sir.

Higgins said, uh, no. And slapped on an extra 4 months to his term simply due to his audacity.

"I think part of the problem is that Mr. Bowman doesn't do as much thinking as maybe you or I would like him to," Higgins said.

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We Know Who Wears the Pants in THIS Relationship.


So there's this Malaysian guy named Yap (yup: Yap) whose wife told him he had to go to bed early so he could take the kiddo's to school the next day. He did indeed retire early, like a good little husband. But then later that night he snuck out of bed to watch England's Euro 2004 opener.
Wifey freaked out to find that she had been left in bed for a soccer game, when she had TOLD Yap to stay in bed, so she grabbed the remote control and bludgeoned him about the head with it. Then she grabbed the 'smart card' out of the pay TV service so he couldn't watch any more soccer EVER.

Yap went to the cops, explained what happened, and they helped her to change her mind. He's allowed to watch soccer now.

Yeesh.

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Bombay Not Ready for Lesbians on Film


There's a new Hindi film out, "Girlfriend", about two women's relationship and it has....lesbian scenes. Well, that's not gonna float with members of Shiv Sena, a group of hard-line Hindus. About 100 Shiv Sena activists pitched a major hissy about the bad message being sent by the film: smashing windows, ripping up posters, and burning effigies in a successful attempt to stop the screening of it.
They won. The film has been suppressed.

Now THAT's how to stage a protest, I guess.


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Those Crazy Canadians

The Marijuana Party of Canada has an interesting (and appropriate) way of raising political funding for the national elections: they're selling Pot Seeds. Up for grabs are the $7.40 pack of 10 nonviable decorative seeds all the way up to the $296 'Thoroughbred, Cannabis Cup-Winnning" varietals.
They're able to do this because, while the possession, cultivation or sales of marijuana itself is illegal, sales of the seeds that lead to such actions is not.

Party on.

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Monday, June 14, 2004

Today in History: Jun 14 1954
At the Lincoln Memorial, President Dwight Eisenhower signs a law inserting the words "under God" into the Pledge of Allegiance. Eisenhower declares: "From this day forward, the millions of our schoolchildren will daily proclaim in every city and town, every village and rural schoolhouse, the dedication of our nation and our people to the Almighty."

Twist of Irony: Today: Jun 14, 2004: U.S. Supreme Court dismisses challenge to constitutionality of Pledge of Allegiance, declaring that for the time being the phrase 'under God' can remain in the Pledge.


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Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's: It's the Law


The Michigan senate is currently considering a Rep Edward Gaffney's legibility bill, which recently passed the State House. Ed wants to have it become law that if a doctor's handwriting is deemed to be illegible on a prescription, said doctor will be fined up to $1,000.

I wonder who gets to determine if the writing is clear or not?

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World Record Cocaine Swallowing

A 20-something Nigerian attempted to smuggle 3.5 pounds of cocaine into Norway...by swallowing it. Norwegian customs agents became suspicious of the man as he attempted to enter the country. While he was being held, the guy refused any food or water, which escalated concerns on the part of the customs agents.
When they took him to be x-rayed, 'hospital personnel were stunned' by how many bags of cocaine were in his stomach. He had swallowed 160 bags, which took 3 days to pass.
Luckily for him, none of them burst while inside.
Unluckily for him, Guinness Book of World Records does not have a Most Cocaine Housed in a Stomach While Smuggling category, so all his work was for naught.
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I Confess - D'oh
Toru Tanaka, of Fukuoka Japan, is NOT good at keeping secrets. Toru bobbed a 7-11 store and fled in a freshly rented car. A couple of days later, a rental agency employee noticed the car on the street, and approached Toru. Toru figured it must be a cop, so he quickly blurted out "I committed a robbery (sic)"
Turns out he was just late returning the car. HaHAAAA!

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Haste Makes Waste

Emilio Leal got tired of waiting for wifey to finish up her business at a store in Miami. So instead of honking the horn on the car as MOST people would, he 'accidentally' put the car in gear, hit 5 parked cars and then slammed into the store.
Wifey got to finish her shopping while waiting for the cops, I presume.

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Man outruns horse for first time
Huw Lobb became the first human to outrun a horse in the annual Man vs Horse race in Wales! The 27 year old marathon runner completed the 22 mile course in 2hr5min19sec, 12 minutes ahead of the nearest horse. Whoo Hoo!

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Don't Chew the Mice
The Exchange Hotel, a pub in Brisbane, held a special contest to see who would win a vacation: a Mouse Chewing contest! Contestants gobbled up live mice and then spit out their remains in an attempt to win the trip. Someone from the RSPCA heard of it, got ticked off, and wants to prosecute for animal cruelty with penalties up to $75,000 and 2 years in prison.

No news on who won the trip or how many meeces were chewed and upchucked.

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