Friday, May 14, 2004
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Home Depot and Playboy. Does it Get Better Than This?
Playboy has started another fun spread: the women of Home Depot! The hardware giant is currently accepting submissions from legal-aged wenches throughout the country, planning to cull it down to about a dozen hotties ready to strip their tool belts in the interest of Art. And Phil. And Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Home Depot management is keeping its distance, acknowledging that the shoot will be occurring, but nothing more. The official statement: "The company is aware of the invitation but does not endorse it, support it, nor are we affiliated with it in any way."
Stay tuned for the publishing date!
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Children hold up ice cream parlour
Five kiddos in Brazil are in some hot water after robbing an ice cream parlor at gunpoint. The little rascals, aged 11 - 16, held up a candy store in Ribeirao Preto, Sao Paulo, threatening the shop owner with a pellet gun before gathering up all the sweets they could handle and running out. They might have gotten away with it, however they had the planning skills one would expect. They ran away around the corner then hunkered down to eat their haul. Silly kids and their silly pranks. Cops have told their parents and now they are grounded grounded grounded.
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Hey Honey, Have You Seen My Arm?
The fun at Water World in Stoke-on-Trent (England) must be amazing. That's the only explanation one can come up with for swimmers leaving the scene without their prosthetic limbs! Last year, among the 3000 or so items brought up to the lost and found were usual keys, sunglasses, etc. And 10 ARTIFICIAL LIMBS! Ultimately, the forgetful folks did retrieve their body parts, but apparently they did all actually leave the water park sans limbs. Bizarre. As Pools manager Gemma Ward said, "You can't quite believe someone would forget something as important as their legs or arms."
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Contributed by Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent Glenn McMillen:
No Smoking means No Smoking
Two soldiers from the Ukranian army were sharing a smoke at their worksite. Bummer that the worksite was a MUNITIONS SITE and their job was stocking military ammunition. Shockingly, the lit cigarettes somehow ignited some of the 92,000 TONS of artillery ammo, and the resulting explosions killed 5 people and caused $725 million dollars in damage.
Word has it that debris flew as far as 25 miles from the site, and the shrapnel and explosions destroyed buildings in a two-mile radius, and caused additional fires in nearby towns.
No word on the two smokies. If they're still alive, I suggest they get on The Patch.
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A personal request:
Next time you're travelling to Nara, western Japan, do me a favor and pick up a bag of the treat formerly known as 'Snot from the nose of the Great Buddha'. You should be able to find it relatively close to another yummy treat Nara sells called 'Deer Droppings'. But the Buddha Snot is really what I'd like to have.
Japanese priests wanted to stop the sweets from being sold at all, but have only succeeded in terms of changing the name. Now it's got the prefix 'sama', whatever the heck that means. But you'll be able to find it, regardless of the name, by the picture on the package showing Buddha picking his nose.
Thanks!
Home Depot and Playboy. Does it Get Better Than This?
Playboy has started another fun spread: the women of Home Depot! The hardware giant is currently accepting submissions from legal-aged wenches throughout the country, planning to cull it down to about a dozen hotties ready to strip their tool belts in the interest of Art. And Phil. And Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Home Depot management is keeping its distance, acknowledging that the shoot will be occurring, but nothing more. The official statement: "The company is aware of the invitation but does not endorse it, support it, nor are we affiliated with it in any way."
Stay tuned for the publishing date!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Children hold up ice cream parlour
Five kiddos in Brazil are in some hot water after robbing an ice cream parlor at gunpoint. The little rascals, aged 11 - 16, held up a candy store in Ribeirao Preto, Sao Paulo, threatening the shop owner with a pellet gun before gathering up all the sweets they could handle and running out. They might have gotten away with it, however they had the planning skills one would expect. They ran away around the corner then hunkered down to eat their haul. Silly kids and their silly pranks. Cops have told their parents and now they are grounded grounded grounded.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Hey Honey, Have You Seen My Arm?
The fun at Water World in Stoke-on-Trent (England) must be amazing. That's the only explanation one can come up with for swimmers leaving the scene without their prosthetic limbs! Last year, among the 3000 or so items brought up to the lost and found were usual keys, sunglasses, etc. And 10 ARTIFICIAL LIMBS! Ultimately, the forgetful folks did retrieve their body parts, but apparently they did all actually leave the water park sans limbs. Bizarre. As Pools manager Gemma Ward said, "You can't quite believe someone would forget something as important as their legs or arms."
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Contributed by Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent Glenn McMillen:
No Smoking means No Smoking
Two soldiers from the Ukranian army were sharing a smoke at their worksite. Bummer that the worksite was a MUNITIONS SITE and their job was stocking military ammunition. Shockingly, the lit cigarettes somehow ignited some of the 92,000 TONS of artillery ammo, and the resulting explosions killed 5 people and caused $725 million dollars in damage.
Word has it that debris flew as far as 25 miles from the site, and the shrapnel and explosions destroyed buildings in a two-mile radius, and caused additional fires in nearby towns.
No word on the two smokies. If they're still alive, I suggest they get on The Patch.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A personal request:
Next time you're travelling to Nara, western Japan, do me a favor and pick up a bag of the treat formerly known as 'Snot from the nose of the Great Buddha'. You should be able to find it relatively close to another yummy treat Nara sells called 'Deer Droppings'. But the Buddha Snot is really what I'd like to have.
Japanese priests wanted to stop the sweets from being sold at all, but have only succeeded in terms of changing the name. Now it's got the prefix 'sama', whatever the heck that means. But you'll be able to find it, regardless of the name, by the picture on the package showing Buddha picking his nose.
Thanks!
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Naughty Gnomes Made to Cover Up
Tony Watson's display of lude and nude garden gnomes has caused such outrage in his hometown of Barnsley, England, that he has been forced by police to paint clothing on the little buggers. People were so outraged by the bared breasts and tushies of the gnomes, that they complained to the cops who threatened to arrest Tony for causing public offence.
So now he has painted gaudy bathing suits and such on the little devils, the descriptions of which (picture a polka-dot-bikini on a gnome, really!) cause me to shudder much more than a gnude gnome would.
Oh, and in case anyone missed this way back in my early missive days, here's a link to the Gnome Liberation Front. JOIN THE CAUSE!
Tony Watson's display of lude and nude garden gnomes has caused such outrage in his hometown of Barnsley, England, that he has been forced by police to paint clothing on the little buggers. People were so outraged by the bared breasts and tushies of the gnomes, that they complained to the cops who threatened to arrest Tony for causing public offence.
So now he has painted gaudy bathing suits and such on the little devils, the descriptions of which (picture a polka-dot-bikini on a gnome, really!) cause me to shudder much more than a gnude gnome would.
Oh, and in case anyone missed this way back in my early missive days, here's a link to the Gnome Liberation Front. JOIN THE CAUSE!
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!
102-year old Elisa Levi was leaning over the railing of her fourth-story balcony at her old folk's home to watch the sexy construction workers down below when she lost her balance. The ancient wench flipped over the railing and plummeted down down down till she landed on a plastic playground house that the sexy workers had put next to the building temporarily.
She was rushed to the hospital, where shockingly the only injury found was a fractured arm.
Wow. She must drink milk.
102-year old Elisa Levi was leaning over the railing of her fourth-story balcony at her old folk's home to watch the sexy construction workers down below when she lost her balance. The ancient wench flipped over the railing and plummeted down down down till she landed on a plastic playground house that the sexy workers had put next to the building temporarily.
She was rushed to the hospital, where shockingly the only injury found was a fractured arm.
Wow. She must drink milk.
Marilyn Manson to portray Jesus Christ
Marilyn Manson is slated to play Christ in the upcoming film "Diamond Dead", a dark comedy about a rock group that makes the traditional deal with the devil. Reports are that Jesus even smokes POT during the film. Truly shocking, I tell you.
"The idea of Marilyn Manson in the role of Jesus Christ is getting all sorts of reactions," according to the "Diamond Dead" Web site. "Someone e-mailed me saying that it's a horrible and anti-Christian idea, but nevertheless they are praying for us."
Frankly, after reading the third draft of the script, I believe Diamond Dead can use all the prayers it can get.
Marilyn Manson is slated to play Christ in the upcoming film "Diamond Dead", a dark comedy about a rock group that makes the traditional deal with the devil. Reports are that Jesus even smokes POT during the film. Truly shocking, I tell you.
"The idea of Marilyn Manson in the role of Jesus Christ is getting all sorts of reactions," according to the "Diamond Dead" Web site. "Someone e-mailed me saying that it's a horrible and anti-Christian idea, but nevertheless they are praying for us."
Frankly, after reading the third draft of the script, I believe Diamond Dead can use all the prayers it can get.
Today in History: May 12, 1925: Yogi "It's d`ej`a vu all over again!" Berra was born.
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I Believe a Beer is In Order
A Danish trawler was out in the Skagerrak waters between Norway and Denmark when it made a mighty catch. Nope, it wasn’t a sea monster, nor a mermaid. It was a German submarine which was taking part in NATO maneuvers in the area, and was forced to rise to the surface due to the net entanglement. Hopefully they weren’t stealth maneuvers, cause if so the Germans lost! (Again.)
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First Class, Coach Class, Corpse Class...
Hey now, don't worry if you or a friend should keel over in mid-flight on Singapore Airlines. Any concerns you may have about causing undue stress upon your flight buddies can now be tossed aside with the introduction of the Corpse Cupboard.
In the new Airbus A340-500, a special compartment has been added for the express reason of accomodating the body of anyone who may croak in-flight. Singapore Airlines believes that shoving the body into the Cupboard before rigor mortis sets in will ensure that the person's demise will be handled 'with sensitivity' and will ensure that it is handled in a dignified manner.
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Utah Woman Finally Gets Skull Back
Briana Lane, 22, can finally say she's a hard-headed woman again. This after four months without almost half of her skull, which was in the freezer at University of Utah Health Sciences Center as an insurance battle raged over who would pay for the skull to be put back on her.
Briana was in a bad old car accident back in January, and to save her life the hospital folks had to chop off half her skull. Gotcha. Then the red tape began. Briana did not have insurance: she was on Medicaid. Medicaid considers coverage and sets down a ruling 90 days after discharge.
The surgery to put Briana's skull back was denied in the initial ruling, Medicaid deciding that Briana did not meet the insurance program's disability requirements - although her brain was pumping unencumbered out of her general head area, and often in the morning was kind of smushy, she was not considered totally disabled.
After all, she HAD been supplied with a plastic street hockey helmet she could use to protect her head.
"You'd think they could give me something better protective," said Lane. "Like a skull, perhaps."
Miffed, the unemployed Briana ultimately contacted a local TV station and "All of a sudden - top of the list!" she said.
April 30th her skull was put back on, though the battle between the hospital and Medicaid still rages on. Yeeesh.
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Family Tree
So the British guy froze his sperm before becoming a woman.
The guy turned woman fell in love with, and has made a life partnership with, a lesbian.
The lesbian and the transsexual are taking her pre-op sperm to the US so they can create a baby girl with DNA from both women.
(Britain doesn't let them choose the child's sex, you see).
So then kiddo will have MomA and MomB and MomB will also equal DadA.
CoooOOOOooool.
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I Believe a Beer is In Order
A Danish trawler was out in the Skagerrak waters between Norway and Denmark when it made a mighty catch. Nope, it wasn’t a sea monster, nor a mermaid. It was a German submarine which was taking part in NATO maneuvers in the area, and was forced to rise to the surface due to the net entanglement. Hopefully they weren’t stealth maneuvers, cause if so the Germans lost! (Again.)
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
First Class, Coach Class, Corpse Class...
Hey now, don't worry if you or a friend should keel over in mid-flight on Singapore Airlines. Any concerns you may have about causing undue stress upon your flight buddies can now be tossed aside with the introduction of the Corpse Cupboard.
In the new Airbus A340-500, a special compartment has been added for the express reason of accomodating the body of anyone who may croak in-flight. Singapore Airlines believes that shoving the body into the Cupboard before rigor mortis sets in will ensure that the person's demise will be handled 'with sensitivity' and will ensure that it is handled in a dignified manner.
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Utah Woman Finally Gets Skull Back
Briana Lane, 22, can finally say she's a hard-headed woman again. This after four months without almost half of her skull, which was in the freezer at University of Utah Health Sciences Center as an insurance battle raged over who would pay for the skull to be put back on her.
Briana was in a bad old car accident back in January, and to save her life the hospital folks had to chop off half her skull. Gotcha. Then the red tape began. Briana did not have insurance: she was on Medicaid. Medicaid considers coverage and sets down a ruling 90 days after discharge.
The surgery to put Briana's skull back was denied in the initial ruling, Medicaid deciding that Briana did not meet the insurance program's disability requirements - although her brain was pumping unencumbered out of her general head area, and often in the morning was kind of smushy, she was not considered totally disabled.
After all, she HAD been supplied with a plastic street hockey helmet she could use to protect her head.
"You'd think they could give me something better protective," said Lane. "Like a skull, perhaps."
Miffed, the unemployed Briana ultimately contacted a local TV station and "All of a sudden - top of the list!" she said.
April 30th her skull was put back on, though the battle between the hospital and Medicaid still rages on. Yeeesh.
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Family Tree
So the British guy froze his sperm before becoming a woman.
The guy turned woman fell in love with, and has made a life partnership with, a lesbian.
The lesbian and the transsexual are taking her pre-op sperm to the US so they can create a baby girl with DNA from both women.
(Britain doesn't let them choose the child's sex, you see).
So then kiddo will have MomA and MomB and MomB will also equal DadA.
CoooOOOOooool.
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HEY LOOK! NOW YOU CAN POST A COMMENT IF YOU ARE SO MOVED! WHOO HOO!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Osama bin Laden: Tower Erector
Well, if there's one thing Osama bin Laden and his family know, that's tall buildings. So I guess it just makes sense that his family business is on the short list of contractors bidding to build the tallest skyscraper in the world. The skyscraper, to be called the Burj Dubai, is slated to be almost 1/2 a mile high and will include apartments, offices, restaurants, you name it. The ground has been cleared, and soon enough we'll see if the irony of bin Laden's hoard creating the skyscraper will come to fruition.
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Cracker Barrel Giving Out Cracker Jack Prizes in Soup?
A woman out celebrating mother's day at the ritzy establishment known as Cracker Barrel in Newport News was slurping her veggie soup when she hit upon something small, round, and....furry. Yup, it was a Mother's Day Mousie! YUM!
As soon as they found out about it, Cracker Barrel management put a halt to the serving of the MouseNVeggie soup in all of their restaurants. The mouse is being tested now to determine if it was in the soup when the package arrived from the vendor, or if in fact it climbed in at the restaurant.
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And They Want Us to Stop Making Polish Jokes...
In Warsaw last Saturday, Polish police accidentally loaded their weapons with live ammo rather than rubber bullets when they went out to quell a campus riot. Well, they quelled the spirit to live in one of the students they shot and seriously injured a slew of other students there.
Police had been called out to calm things down after a gang of 100 or so men appeared with chains, bricks, and metal rods and were ready to rumble. Their calming influence made it so there were 70 injuries and one fatality.
"Never in the history of Lodz has there been a hooligan incident with so many victims," city mayor Jerzy Kropiwnicki told a televised news conference.
Prosecutors are investigating how 25 lead-tipped bullets got mixed in with the rubber bullets used by police to restore order.
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Well, if there's one thing Osama bin Laden and his family know, that's tall buildings. So I guess it just makes sense that his family business is on the short list of contractors bidding to build the tallest skyscraper in the world. The skyscraper, to be called the Burj Dubai, is slated to be almost 1/2 a mile high and will include apartments, offices, restaurants, you name it. The ground has been cleared, and soon enough we'll see if the irony of bin Laden's hoard creating the skyscraper will come to fruition.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Cracker Barrel Giving Out Cracker Jack Prizes in Soup?
A woman out celebrating mother's day at the ritzy establishment known as Cracker Barrel in Newport News was slurping her veggie soup when she hit upon something small, round, and....furry. Yup, it was a Mother's Day Mousie! YUM!
As soon as they found out about it, Cracker Barrel management put a halt to the serving of the MouseNVeggie soup in all of their restaurants. The mouse is being tested now to determine if it was in the soup when the package arrived from the vendor, or if in fact it climbed in at the restaurant.
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And They Want Us to Stop Making Polish Jokes...
In Warsaw last Saturday, Polish police accidentally loaded their weapons with live ammo rather than rubber bullets when they went out to quell a campus riot. Well, they quelled the spirit to live in one of the students they shot and seriously injured a slew of other students there.
Police had been called out to calm things down after a gang of 100 or so men appeared with chains, bricks, and metal rods and were ready to rumble. Their calming influence made it so there were 70 injuries and one fatality.
"Never in the history of Lodz has there been a hooligan incident with so many victims," city mayor Jerzy Kropiwnicki told a televised news conference.
Prosecutors are investigating how 25 lead-tipped bullets got mixed in with the rubber bullets used by police to restore order.
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Monday, May 10, 2004
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CORRECTION: I got my info from a bad source last Friday! So don't be bummed that you didn't spot Andy Kaufmann at your local Wendy's this Sunday. His resurrection is slated for NEXT Sunday, the 16th. I am so so so very sorry for any distress this may have caused.
******************************
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Two Bongs Don't Make a Right
In the Philippines, where folks can vote for candidates using just the candidates' nick-names, there's quite a tussle over the nick name "Bong". Apparently Olivia Coo and her rival Ramon Revilla both go by the moniker 'Bong'.
They ran to court to figure out who is the bigger bong and who just has to suck it up and deal. The Supreme Court ruled that they can both use whatever the heck nickname they want, and if a voter just writes "Bong" on the ballot, that vote will not be counted.
Makes me think of Florida...
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Irreconcilable Differences
Xiao Fang from Nanjing China did not like her hubby's evil Wolfhound, certain that the foul beast would ruin her lovely furniture in their new apartment. So she kept trying to lose the darned thing, but much like a Grimm's Fairy Tale character, the dog would keep returning to their home. So recently when hubby was away for business, Xiao hired 4 hitmen. They came, they saw, they slaughtered.
Hubby came home from the trip, learned of the demise of the wolfhound, and requested a divorce as he could not live under the same roof as a murderer.
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Mom Always Said, Don't Come Between Two Mating Horses
A guy named Robert(known as Bob, perhaps) in Warsaw Poland was bitten to death by a sexually excited stallion. The stallion had become smitten by a nearby mare, and was focused on doing the nasty with said mare. Bob tried to intervene, and the horse completely freaked out. An autopsy is being conducted to determine whether the cause of death was a severed jugular vein or a damaged spine. No news as to whether or not the stallion got lucky after the attack.
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Ew Icky!
Oh yuck. Police were called to investigate a reported sighting of «a fat man in women’s clothes, with a cucumber in his mouth» doing things so unmentionable that the witness who phoned the report in could not describe it, citing the vulnerable children in the car.
Caps raced out to catch Wee Willie Winkie in the act, but he had skittered away into hiding, as only a fat naked man with a cucumber in his mouth can.
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Bag contained explosive surprise
A doghandler at the Pierre Elliott Trudeau airport was running through standard tests for his sniffer dog, and decided to mix things up a bit by hiding materials in regular passenger luggage. So the doghandler put a neatly labeled jar containing TNT in a passenger's luggage. Bummer that he forgot to take it out. Bummer still that the customer was able to pick up his bags and then pass through customs and security checks and leave with the TNT.
The passenger ultimately discovered the well-marked package when at home and called police. Nobody was ever in any danger from this particular jar of TNT, since it did not have a detonator, but ya know....>>>shaking head<<<< I do believe the test was successful in showing a need for just a TAD more effective security checks.
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He's a Thinker, That One.
Short, sweet, and to the point.
German dude stops to get gas at a station in Frankfurt, accidentally dumps in petrol instead of diesel.
Whoops.
So German dude gets attendant to clean things out and all, and then decides to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN there was no petrol left.
So he uses a high powered vacuum cleaner to try siphoning out the last drops of petrol in the tank.
Vacuum suckage causes the tank to have a mighty explosion, causing much consternation and about £1,000 in damage.
Big whoops.
BA BOOM
CORRECTION: I got my info from a bad source last Friday! So don't be bummed that you didn't spot Andy Kaufmann at your local Wendy's this Sunday. His resurrection is slated for NEXT Sunday, the 16th. I am so so so very sorry for any distress this may have caused.
******************************
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Two Bongs Don't Make a Right
In the Philippines, where folks can vote for candidates using just the candidates' nick-names, there's quite a tussle over the nick name "Bong". Apparently Olivia Coo and her rival Ramon Revilla both go by the moniker 'Bong'.
They ran to court to figure out who is the bigger bong and who just has to suck it up and deal. The Supreme Court ruled that they can both use whatever the heck nickname they want, and if a voter just writes "Bong" on the ballot, that vote will not be counted.
Makes me think of Florida...
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Irreconcilable Differences
Xiao Fang from Nanjing China did not like her hubby's evil Wolfhound, certain that the foul beast would ruin her lovely furniture in their new apartment. So she kept trying to lose the darned thing, but much like a Grimm's Fairy Tale character, the dog would keep returning to their home. So recently when hubby was away for business, Xiao hired 4 hitmen. They came, they saw, they slaughtered.
Hubby came home from the trip, learned of the demise of the wolfhound, and requested a divorce as he could not live under the same roof as a murderer.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Mom Always Said, Don't Come Between Two Mating Horses
A guy named Robert(known as Bob, perhaps) in Warsaw Poland was bitten to death by a sexually excited stallion. The stallion had become smitten by a nearby mare, and was focused on doing the nasty with said mare. Bob tried to intervene, and the horse completely freaked out. An autopsy is being conducted to determine whether the cause of death was a severed jugular vein or a damaged spine. No news as to whether or not the stallion got lucky after the attack.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Ew Icky!
Oh yuck. Police were called to investigate a reported sighting of «a fat man in women’s clothes, with a cucumber in his mouth» doing things so unmentionable that the witness who phoned the report in could not describe it, citing the vulnerable children in the car.
Caps raced out to catch Wee Willie Winkie in the act, but he had skittered away into hiding, as only a fat naked man with a cucumber in his mouth can.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Bag contained explosive surprise
A doghandler at the Pierre Elliott Trudeau airport was running through standard tests for his sniffer dog, and decided to mix things up a bit by hiding materials in regular passenger luggage. So the doghandler put a neatly labeled jar containing TNT in a passenger's luggage. Bummer that he forgot to take it out. Bummer still that the customer was able to pick up his bags and then pass through customs and security checks and leave with the TNT.
The passenger ultimately discovered the well-marked package when at home and called police. Nobody was ever in any danger from this particular jar of TNT, since it did not have a detonator, but ya know....>>>shaking head<<<< I do believe the test was successful in showing a need for just a TAD more effective security checks.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
He's a Thinker, That One.
Short, sweet, and to the point.
German dude stops to get gas at a station in Frankfurt, accidentally dumps in petrol instead of diesel.
Whoops.
So German dude gets attendant to clean things out and all, and then decides to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN there was no petrol left.
So he uses a high powered vacuum cleaner to try siphoning out the last drops of petrol in the tank.
Vacuum suckage causes the tank to have a mighty explosion, causing much consternation and about £1,000 in damage.
Big whoops.
BA BOOM
