Thursday, June 03, 2004
Today In History: June 3, 1968 Valerie Solanas, author of the SCUM Manifesto, arrives at the art studio of Andy Warhol and shoots him three times in the torso. Warhol barely survives the attempt on his life. Solanas is later jailed and institutionalized.
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One Foot in the Grave
Hazel Felton of Kenai Alaska was cleaning up the family graves at Kenai Cemetary this weekend when SUDDENLY her dog Boo Boo's leash got all tangled up on a cross! Hazel quickly went to free Boo Boo but was surprised when she actually ended up sinking into the grave below.
"I put one leg in past my hip bone. That's about 34 inches," said Hazel, "I just shot outta there like a light...it just creeped me out."
She landed in the grave of Warder Showalter, and called the Showalters up to let them know she had crashed his party. Rather than getting miffed about the situation, Warder's daughter Adeline took it lightly: "``I ask Hazel, 'Were you playing footsie with my dad?'''
``It's just one of those things that happens in life,'' she said.
Not MY life, thank you very much.
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This Guy's No Tree Hugger!
James Read believes that watching TV is a human right, and he is suing some trees that he says are too tall and block his satellite signals. James is going to the top to try to get the abominations removed, stopping not just at the Deputy Prime Minister but moving on up to the European Court of Human Rights.
"Living in a technological age, I consider it a basic human right to receive television signals and enjoy watching television."
The trees block not only the all-important tv signals, but also blocks out the sun. So far James' request has been rejected by 5 votes to 4, since the trees really aren't infringing upon any human rights or health and safety grounds.
The good news is, the trees do also block out the alien mind control rays that we all know are out there.
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At The Car Wash...Workin' at the Car Wash Yeah...
So this guy from Thamesford, Ontario, catches a cab. While in Woodstock, Ontario, said cab stops at a gas station around 10pm to fill up the tank. So the passenger did what most cab riders would do on a long trip. He decided to stretch and maybe clean up a bit since he had the chance.
By stripping down naked and taking a shower in a car wash.
Bucky was arrested in the buff and charged with being intoxicated in a public place.
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Dive for Keys Nearly Kills Mo. Man
Michael Hatfield f Lee's Summit, MO, lost his car keys in Longview Lake over Memorial Day weekend. So sad. And not one to take such things in stride, Mikey here decided to get those keys back or die trying!
So he tied a 20 lb boat anchor around his waist, and grabbed himself a garden hose to use as a snorkel. With the cameras rolling for important home video of his intelligence, Mikey dove into the water with his anchor and hose. He forgot the importance of goggles when peering through the murky depths, but anyway...
Mikey dove down once, no luck, then twice - and the garden hose slipped out of his mouth. Unable to breath, unable to see, Mikey became disoriented in the lake. Luckily for him, he had tied himself to a rope being held by a designated spotter on the beach, and said spotter kind of sensed that there was a problem and pulled him up to the surface.
At first Mikey was not breathing and was unresponsive, but ultimately he came around.
His words of wisdom?
"Keys can really be replaced," he said. "At the time, I did not think about that. It was really an embarrassment."
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One Foot in the Grave
Hazel Felton of Kenai Alaska was cleaning up the family graves at Kenai Cemetary this weekend when SUDDENLY her dog Boo Boo's leash got all tangled up on a cross! Hazel quickly went to free Boo Boo but was surprised when she actually ended up sinking into the grave below.
"I put one leg in past my hip bone. That's about 34 inches," said Hazel, "I just shot outta there like a light...it just creeped me out."
She landed in the grave of Warder Showalter, and called the Showalters up to let them know she had crashed his party. Rather than getting miffed about the situation, Warder's daughter Adeline took it lightly: "``I ask Hazel, 'Were you playing footsie with my dad?'''
``It's just one of those things that happens in life,'' she said.
Not MY life, thank you very much.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
This Guy's No Tree Hugger!
James Read believes that watching TV is a human right, and he is suing some trees that he says are too tall and block his satellite signals. James is going to the top to try to get the abominations removed, stopping not just at the Deputy Prime Minister but moving on up to the European Court of Human Rights.
"Living in a technological age, I consider it a basic human right to receive television signals and enjoy watching television."
The trees block not only the all-important tv signals, but also blocks out the sun. So far James' request has been rejected by 5 votes to 4, since the trees really aren't infringing upon any human rights or health and safety grounds.
The good news is, the trees do also block out the alien mind control rays that we all know are out there.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
At The Car Wash...Workin' at the Car Wash Yeah...
So this guy from Thamesford, Ontario, catches a cab. While in Woodstock, Ontario, said cab stops at a gas station around 10pm to fill up the tank. So the passenger did what most cab riders would do on a long trip. He decided to stretch and maybe clean up a bit since he had the chance.
By stripping down naked and taking a shower in a car wash.
Bucky was arrested in the buff and charged with being intoxicated in a public place.
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Dive for Keys Nearly Kills Mo. Man
Michael Hatfield f Lee's Summit, MO, lost his car keys in Longview Lake over Memorial Day weekend. So sad. And not one to take such things in stride, Mikey here decided to get those keys back or die trying!
So he tied a 20 lb boat anchor around his waist, and grabbed himself a garden hose to use as a snorkel. With the cameras rolling for important home video of his intelligence, Mikey dove into the water with his anchor and hose. He forgot the importance of goggles when peering through the murky depths, but anyway...
Mikey dove down once, no luck, then twice - and the garden hose slipped out of his mouth. Unable to breath, unable to see, Mikey became disoriented in the lake. Luckily for him, he had tied himself to a rope being held by a designated spotter on the beach, and said spotter kind of sensed that there was a problem and pulled him up to the surface.
At first Mikey was not breathing and was unresponsive, but ultimately he came around.
His words of wisdom?
"Keys can really be replaced," he said. "At the time, I did not think about that. It was really an embarrassment."
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Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Today in History: Jun 2, 1740: the Marquis de Sade was born. Whoo Hoo!
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Buddy Can Ya Lend Me a Hand?
A group of boats had gathered for a fun festivus on Memorial Day in the waters off of Long Island when one of the boat owners heard an odd sound coming from the rear deck. He went to investigate and there found a severed human hand that apparently had fallen out of the sky and landed on his boat.
Nobody knows how, nobody knows who, and nobody knows why.
So if you know someone who's missing a hand, might want to point him/her to Long Island.
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Nose Job
Back in February, 2002, Angel Jones was released from prison so he decided to look up his woman for some fun sex to celebrate. All was going just fine till Angel kinda got weird. And hungry. He started accusing the woman of infidelity, became rough with her and bit off her nose, spitting it on the floor. Cops found the nose, but the doctors couldn't reattach it and she has since had a Michael Jackson nose attached.
Angel attempted to defend himself to the courts, explaining that it was an accident and although the nose WAS in his mouth, it accidentally
popped off. He put forth his theory that weight loss medicine she had been taken had made her skin fragile and prone to body-part-poppage.
He was convicted, and appears in court June 21 to begin the sentencing process.
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Red Headed Step Child Syndrome in Matsue (Japan).
Takayoshi Harada didn't much like his stepdaughter, and repeatedly abused the now-21 year old. Last March, he pushed her too far. He forced her to sever her little finger after she got him angry. He is quoted as having said "You made me angry, so keep your promise and cut off a finger."
So she did.
After going to the hospital to have the finger re-attached, the stepdaughter decided she had had enough. She has now moved out.
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Now This is a Hen Picked Man!
A woman heard a ruckus in her house in Zambia and rushed in to see what might be happening. Turns out her 50 year old husband was doing the nasty (and I MEAN nasty) with a HEN! He tried to kill her when she walked in upon him and his new love, but she escaped.
When neighbors mocked and admonished the guy, he hanged himself.
The hen was slaughtered after the incident.
It is not clear whether or not there was a follow up BBQ.
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Speaking of Chickens...
A farmer in Huxian, Shaanxi province (China) sued local police after losing hundreds of his chickens to siren-induced death.
Appears that the siren went off suddenly very close to the chickens. 35 of the birds croaked on the spot, and later on 400 more died of shock.
The courts ordered the cops to pay for the initial 45 dead birds, but since the farmer couldn't PROVE that the other 400 kicked the bucket due to the siren, the cops aren't responsible for them.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Buddy Can Ya Lend Me a Hand?
A group of boats had gathered for a fun festivus on Memorial Day in the waters off of Long Island when one of the boat owners heard an odd sound coming from the rear deck. He went to investigate and there found a severed human hand that apparently had fallen out of the sky and landed on his boat.
Nobody knows how, nobody knows who, and nobody knows why.
So if you know someone who's missing a hand, might want to point him/her to Long Island.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Nose Job
Back in February, 2002, Angel Jones was released from prison so he decided to look up his woman for some fun sex to celebrate. All was going just fine till Angel kinda got weird. And hungry. He started accusing the woman of infidelity, became rough with her and bit off her nose, spitting it on the floor. Cops found the nose, but the doctors couldn't reattach it and she has since had a Michael Jackson nose attached.
Angel attempted to defend himself to the courts, explaining that it was an accident and although the nose WAS in his mouth, it accidentally
popped off. He put forth his theory that weight loss medicine she had been taken had made her skin fragile and prone to body-part-poppage.
He was convicted, and appears in court June 21 to begin the sentencing process.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Red Headed Step Child Syndrome in Matsue (Japan).
Takayoshi Harada didn't much like his stepdaughter, and repeatedly abused the now-21 year old. Last March, he pushed her too far. He forced her to sever her little finger after she got him angry. He is quoted as having said "You made me angry, so keep your promise and cut off a finger."
So she did.
After going to the hospital to have the finger re-attached, the stepdaughter decided she had had enough. She has now moved out.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Now This is a Hen Picked Man!
A woman heard a ruckus in her house in Zambia and rushed in to see what might be happening. Turns out her 50 year old husband was doing the nasty (and I MEAN nasty) with a HEN! He tried to kill her when she walked in upon him and his new love, but she escaped.
When neighbors mocked and admonished the guy, he hanged himself.
The hen was slaughtered after the incident.
It is not clear whether or not there was a follow up BBQ.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Speaking of Chickens...
A farmer in Huxian, Shaanxi province (China) sued local police after losing hundreds of his chickens to siren-induced death.
Appears that the siren went off suddenly very close to the chickens. 35 of the birds croaked on the spot, and later on 400 more died of shock.
The courts ordered the cops to pay for the initial 45 dead birds, but since the farmer couldn't PROVE that the other 400 kicked the bucket due to the siren, the cops aren't responsible for them.
