Wednesday, August 18, 2004
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Link of the day: http://www.deadendstreet.com/samples/PDF/TheEternityPlan-Sample.pdf
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Hamster Blood Bath
An Italian man is in hot water for the way he chose to dispose of his rodents. Apparently, he chose to kill his six pet hamsters and a guinea-pig by hurling them off of his balcony at passing vehicles.
The hamsters weren't such a problem, but the guinea-pig smashed a windshield of a passing car. When police went to investigate, they found little hamster bodies littering the street. Using special detective senses, they figured out the trajectory of the little buggers' bodies and determined that they came from the grumpy old man's apartment.
He says it's all a mistake. He was sweeping off the balcony and accidentally knocked the animals off.
Knocked them off is right!
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New Bible on the Market
Hey Kids! There's a new version of the bible out there taking the world by storm. Entitled Good as New: A Radical Retelling of the Scriptures, the book by John Henson has got many a stodgy religious person in a tizzy.
With a foreward by Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, leader of the Church of England and 77 million Anglicans worldwide, this version is very different from the old King James bible. In The Archbishop's words, it is a translation "of extraordinary power."
Observe some of the modifications:
Previously, we learned in Mark 1:10-11 that after Jesus was baptized by John, the baptist saw "the Spirit descending upon him like a dove; and a voice came from heaven, 'Thou art my beloved Son; with thee I am well pleased'
Now we learn that "A pigeon flew down and perched on him. Jesus took this as a sign that God's Spirit was with him. A voice from overhead was heard saying, 'That's my boy!' "
Another snippet for comparison: 1 Corinthians 7:2,9 has Paul teaching that "each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband" and that if unmarried folk "cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion"
Now we see that Paul ACTUALLY said: "My advice is for everyone to have a regular partner. ... If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated!"
For those who enjoyed the following books from the original - 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 2 Peter, 2 and 3 John, Jude and Revelation - you're out of luck. Henson kinda took them out. But he DID put in the book of Thomas (who previously was dissed by Christian folks-in-the-know).
Sounds fun to me! Now if I could just finish Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal...
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Sorry, Can't Help Ya.
Christina Lauwers from Antwerp, Belgium, can't register her car. In spite of much evidence to the contrary, the Belgian Central Administration is convinced that she is dead and that's their story & they're sticking to it.
Christina tried to convince them. "They wouldn't accept my word that I was still alive. They said they based their information on official data by the Belgian central administration."
Ah, red tape at its best. At least now she won't have to pay taxes!
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Very superstitious
Florin Carcu didn't want to leave his house this past Friday the 13th. The triscadecaphobic even requested the day off at work, in the interest of safety.
So he stayed home.
And while he was brewing some coffee in his safe kitchen, he was stung by a wasp.
And died.
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Bees Hold Apartment Building Residents Hostage
Some wise young children from Santa Ana, CA, thought it would be fun last week to pelt a 500 pound bee hive with rocks. The hive, you see, had been accumulating inside the walls of their apartment building for the past few years and was so big that it was threatening the structural integrity of the building. So what better to do with a gargantuan beehive than throw rocks at it?
Surprisingly, this was NOT as good an idea as it seemed.
About 120,000 angry bees swarmed out in response and held residents and neighbors alike hostage for hours before they finally calmed down and returned to their hive. Later on, an exterminator fogged the hive: 40,000 deceased buggies were vacuumed out and an additional 80,000 returning worker bees were captured.
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BONK!
Pauline Aguss was hanging out the wash in Suffolk the other day when BAM! She was struck by a meteorite!
The small, brown metallic rock which slashed her arm is being studied to confirm its origin.
If it turns out that it truly is a meteorite, Pauline will have the honor of being the first human receiving a wound from a meteorite on record! In fact, the last time a living creature was reported as struck down was sometime in the last century when a dog in Egypt was conked and died.
Huh.
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Ex Wives Ruin EVERYTHING!
Daniel Waggoner robbed a bank branch in a Middletown, OH, Kroger grocery store. Bummer for Danny, his nosy ex-wife saw him driving on Route 122 and was curious as to what he was doing in the area. She tried to stop at the bank herself and was informed of the robbery.
She put 2 and 2 together and figured out that it was her low-life scumsucking ex, and mentioned to a teller at another branch (since this one was closed) that Danny was a bank robber who had gotten out of prison for robbery just in the past year.
Dontcha know, she looked at a picture from the bank surveillance camera and it WAS Danny Boy!
Danny's back in custody.
Shoulda known better to knock off a bank where his ex lived. Duh.
Link of the day: http://www.deadendstreet.com/samples/PDF/TheEternityPlan-Sample.pdf
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Hamster Blood Bath
An Italian man is in hot water for the way he chose to dispose of his rodents. Apparently, he chose to kill his six pet hamsters and a guinea-pig by hurling them off of his balcony at passing vehicles.
The hamsters weren't such a problem, but the guinea-pig smashed a windshield of a passing car. When police went to investigate, they found little hamster bodies littering the street. Using special detective senses, they figured out the trajectory of the little buggers' bodies and determined that they came from the grumpy old man's apartment.
He says it's all a mistake. He was sweeping off the balcony and accidentally knocked the animals off.
Knocked them off is right!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
New Bible on the Market
Hey Kids! There's a new version of the bible out there taking the world by storm. Entitled Good as New: A Radical Retelling of the Scriptures, the book by John Henson has got many a stodgy religious person in a tizzy.
With a foreward by Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, leader of the Church of England and 77 million Anglicans worldwide, this version is very different from the old King James bible. In The Archbishop's words, it is a translation "of extraordinary power."
Observe some of the modifications:
Previously, we learned in Mark 1:10-11 that after Jesus was baptized by John, the baptist saw "the Spirit descending upon him like a dove; and a voice came from heaven, 'Thou art my beloved Son; with thee I am well pleased'
Now we learn that "A pigeon flew down and perched on him. Jesus took this as a sign that God's Spirit was with him. A voice from overhead was heard saying, 'That's my boy!' "
Another snippet for comparison: 1 Corinthians 7:2,9 has Paul teaching that "each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband" and that if unmarried folk "cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion"
Now we see that Paul ACTUALLY said: "My advice is for everyone to have a regular partner. ... If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated!"
For those who enjoyed the following books from the original - 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, 2 Peter, 2 and 3 John, Jude and Revelation - you're out of luck. Henson kinda took them out. But he DID put in the book of Thomas (who previously was dissed by Christian folks-in-the-know).
Sounds fun to me! Now if I could just finish Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal...
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Sorry, Can't Help Ya.
Christina Lauwers from Antwerp, Belgium, can't register her car. In spite of much evidence to the contrary, the Belgian Central Administration is convinced that she is dead and that's their story & they're sticking to it.
Christina tried to convince them. "They wouldn't accept my word that I was still alive. They said they based their information on official data by the Belgian central administration."
Ah, red tape at its best. At least now she won't have to pay taxes!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Very superstitious
Florin Carcu didn't want to leave his house this past Friday the 13th. The triscadecaphobic even requested the day off at work, in the interest of safety.
So he stayed home.
And while he was brewing some coffee in his safe kitchen, he was stung by a wasp.
And died.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Bees Hold Apartment Building Residents Hostage
Some wise young children from Santa Ana, CA, thought it would be fun last week to pelt a 500 pound bee hive with rocks. The hive, you see, had been accumulating inside the walls of their apartment building for the past few years and was so big that it was threatening the structural integrity of the building. So what better to do with a gargantuan beehive than throw rocks at it?
Surprisingly, this was NOT as good an idea as it seemed.
About 120,000 angry bees swarmed out in response and held residents and neighbors alike hostage for hours before they finally calmed down and returned to their hive. Later on, an exterminator fogged the hive: 40,000 deceased buggies were vacuumed out and an additional 80,000 returning worker bees were captured.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
BONK!
Pauline Aguss was hanging out the wash in Suffolk the other day when BAM! She was struck by a meteorite!
The small, brown metallic rock which slashed her arm is being studied to confirm its origin.
If it turns out that it truly is a meteorite, Pauline will have the honor of being the first human receiving a wound from a meteorite on record! In fact, the last time a living creature was reported as struck down was sometime in the last century when a dog in Egypt was conked and died.
Huh.
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Ex Wives Ruin EVERYTHING!
Daniel Waggoner robbed a bank branch in a Middletown, OH, Kroger grocery store. Bummer for Danny, his nosy ex-wife saw him driving on Route 122 and was curious as to what he was doing in the area. She tried to stop at the bank herself and was informed of the robbery.
She put 2 and 2 together and figured out that it was her low-life scumsucking ex, and mentioned to a teller at another branch (since this one was closed) that Danny was a bank robber who had gotten out of prison for robbery just in the past year.
Dontcha know, she looked at a picture from the bank surveillance camera and it WAS Danny Boy!
Danny's back in custody.
Shoulda known better to knock off a bank where his ex lived. Duh.
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