Tuesday, July 20, 2004
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Update on Lopped Off Manstaff
Remember the dude whose distracted doc accidentally severed his wingding rather than his jumblies this past week (see July 17th)?? Here's an update:
Turns out bucky lopoff was actually severed into not two, but THREE pieces!!! Oucheronies! The Romanian victim has thought long and hard about it and finally decided to sue. And rightfully so.
He's still hanging out in pieces in the hospital for likely three more weeks. Surgeons there say that it will be three to four MONTHS before they can actually work on rebuilding his member.
Wow. That sucks.
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World Destruction Begins Sept. 29
Hey, if you have any unused vacation days, might want to schedule to take some time off prior to September 29th. According to Extra Terrestrial expert Dr Terry Johnson, that is the date that marks the beginning of the End of the World.
Dr Johnson warns that there is an earthquake scheduled for September 29th in Guadalajara, Mexico, and when it happens a huge spacecraft will slam into the fault line, causing a chain reaction that will result in "the ultimate destruction of the planet."
Numerous alien groups are conspiring to destroy Earth, says Doc Johnson, because "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."
Don't give up hope, though. See, many humans have already been abducted to other planets to serve as 'super computers' and they're working as a resistance force by learning how to fly UFO's.
Luckily, International Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19th, so we don't have to worry about missing THAT special day.
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Another Odd Family Tree
Nyanginda wa Ngugi, 71, is now married to 19 year old James Mburu Kamau. They happily live with her 33 year old son who now must call this kid dad. Her 5 married children live outside the home.
Jimmy says that God told him to marry the septuagenarian, and that he will never return to school again: "I have discovered that I have been living a lie all my life. Now I have discovered God and happiness."
His buddies beg to differ, and have vowed to 'deal with the old woman' to get their friend back from her evil, if elderly, clutches.
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New Self Defense Method: Bring out the Pics of the Grandkids
Juan Garcia Vasquez broke into the home of a 73 year old woman, planning to steal some stuff and then high tail it outta there.
Sadly for him, his noise awoke the woman, who apparently is quite lonely. After getting the whole 'cover your mouth so you don't scream' thing overwith, they settled down and she offered him some tasty food. Then they sat down on the couch and she started praying next to him, showing him pics of St Theresa, and then brought out the dreaded grandchildren photos.
Juan couldn't handle the excitement, and fell asleep right there on the couch. The woman then ran to the bathroom, locked herself in, and called her daughter for assistance. Cops arrived and saved the day.
Whoo hoo!
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Istanbul Not Constantinople
The people who lived formerly in Llanfynydd, UK, are miffed that the Gamesa Energy co wants to erect a wind farm near their quaint village. So they have changed the village's name.
They now live in Llanhyfryddawelllehyn-afolybarcudprindanfygy-thiadtrienusyrhafnauole. I'm serious.
They changed the village name in protest, and the name translates out to : "a quiet beautiful village, an historic place with rare kite under threat from wretched blades". Welsh village names traditionally describe unique landscape features and such that are associated with the location.
In case you're wondering, the rare kite they speak of is not the stringed wind catching toy used at the beach or in clearings on windy days. It's a bird.
"Wretched Blades". Poetic, ain't it?
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In unrelated news....
Texas changing a road name
Beaumont, TX, commissioners have decided to be PC and change what has been perceived as an insensitive road name into a sensitive road name. Jap Road apparently has been insulting folks since 1905 when a Japanese rice farmer lived on that road and the nickname for the street stuck.
So now, a century later, at the urging of the NAACP, this "offensive racial slur" of a name will be changed to: Mayumi Road.
This is translated to mean "Road named in an consciencious and thoughtful manner so as not to offend people who really put a bit too much time into worrying about the name of their freakin' street".
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100% Cholesterol Free Taste Treat
Beware if you go to the Madison County Fair and Rodeo: the fries you get at the Potato Hut...well...they aren't potatoes. Rather, they are strips made from the pendulous balls of bulls. Promoted as all beef and ultra-lean, these tasty tidbits are Atkins friendly, and even have "secret, special spices" added by the proprietor, Jackie Williams.
Mmmmmm. Yummy.
Update on Lopped Off Manstaff
Remember the dude whose distracted doc accidentally severed his wingding rather than his jumblies this past week (see July 17th)?? Here's an update:
Turns out bucky lopoff was actually severed into not two, but THREE pieces!!! Oucheronies! The Romanian victim has thought long and hard about it and finally decided to sue. And rightfully so.
He's still hanging out in pieces in the hospital for likely three more weeks. Surgeons there say that it will be three to four MONTHS before they can actually work on rebuilding his member.
Wow. That sucks.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
World Destruction Begins Sept. 29
Hey, if you have any unused vacation days, might want to schedule to take some time off prior to September 29th. According to Extra Terrestrial expert Dr Terry Johnson, that is the date that marks the beginning of the End of the World.
Dr Johnson warns that there is an earthquake scheduled for September 29th in Guadalajara, Mexico, and when it happens a huge spacecraft will slam into the fault line, causing a chain reaction that will result in "the ultimate destruction of the planet."
Numerous alien groups are conspiring to destroy Earth, says Doc Johnson, because "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."
Don't give up hope, though. See, many humans have already been abducted to other planets to serve as 'super computers' and they're working as a resistance force by learning how to fly UFO's.
Luckily, International Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19th, so we don't have to worry about missing THAT special day.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Another Odd Family Tree
Nyanginda wa Ngugi, 71, is now married to 19 year old James Mburu Kamau. They happily live with her 33 year old son who now must call this kid dad. Her 5 married children live outside the home.
Jimmy says that God told him to marry the septuagenarian, and that he will never return to school again: "I have discovered that I have been living a lie all my life. Now I have discovered God and happiness."
His buddies beg to differ, and have vowed to 'deal with the old woman' to get their friend back from her evil, if elderly, clutches.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
New Self Defense Method: Bring out the Pics of the Grandkids
Juan Garcia Vasquez broke into the home of a 73 year old woman, planning to steal some stuff and then high tail it outta there.
Sadly for him, his noise awoke the woman, who apparently is quite lonely. After getting the whole 'cover your mouth so you don't scream' thing overwith, they settled down and she offered him some tasty food. Then they sat down on the couch and she started praying next to him, showing him pics of St Theresa, and then brought out the dreaded grandchildren photos.
Juan couldn't handle the excitement, and fell asleep right there on the couch. The woman then ran to the bathroom, locked herself in, and called her daughter for assistance. Cops arrived and saved the day.
Whoo hoo!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Istanbul Not Constantinople
The people who lived formerly in Llanfynydd, UK, are miffed that the Gamesa Energy co wants to erect a wind farm near their quaint village. So they have changed the village's name.
They now live in Llanhyfryddawelllehyn-afolybarcudprindanfygy-thiadtrienusyrhafnauole. I'm serious.
They changed the village name in protest, and the name translates out to : "a quiet beautiful village, an historic place with rare kite under threat from wretched blades". Welsh village names traditionally describe unique landscape features and such that are associated with the location.
In case you're wondering, the rare kite they speak of is not the stringed wind catching toy used at the beach or in clearings on windy days. It's a bird.
"Wretched Blades". Poetic, ain't it?
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
In unrelated news....
Texas changing a road name
Beaumont, TX, commissioners have decided to be PC and change what has been perceived as an insensitive road name into a sensitive road name. Jap Road apparently has been insulting folks since 1905 when a Japanese rice farmer lived on that road and the nickname for the street stuck.
So now, a century later, at the urging of the NAACP, this "offensive racial slur" of a name will be changed to: Mayumi Road.
This is translated to mean "Road named in an consciencious and thoughtful manner so as not to offend people who really put a bit too much time into worrying about the name of their freakin' street".
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
100% Cholesterol Free Taste Treat
Beware if you go to the Madison County Fair and Rodeo: the fries you get at the Potato Hut...well...they aren't potatoes. Rather, they are strips made from the pendulous balls of bulls. Promoted as all beef and ultra-lean, these tasty tidbits are Atkins friendly, and even have "secret, special spices" added by the proprietor, Jackie Williams.
Mmmmmm. Yummy.
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