Daily Drivel

Aug 21 - National Spumoni Day

So I haven't published a missive in months. Apologies extended for the span of nothingness, as well as for the undoubtedly sub-par quality of the missive today. Hey, I'm rusty.
I hope this drivel finds you exhausted and stressed, as otherwise I would feel utterly alone.
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Today in History: Aug 21 1614 Erzsebet Bathory, ruler of Transylvania, dies at 54. She had sought immortality by killing young virgins and bathing in their blood. It didn't work. ---dailyrotten
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Link of the Day: Courtesy of Lord Mutter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lqivpMc9uc&mode=related&search=
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So a woman who has been teaching Sunday School in upstate New York for the past 54 years was let go this month. No, she wasn't molesting kids. She wasn't teaching evolution. She was, instead, being a woman. By virtue of her possession of a vagina, she has broken the rules put in place by city councilman Rev Timothy LaBouf. LaBouf has the progressive view that women can perform any job they want - outside the church.

The basis of his decision? Biblical advice of the apostle Paul: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

A New York woman. Silent. Riiiiiiiiight.
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Stale news, perhaps, but....did ya hear about the Croatian man who got stuck in his deck chair?

Mario Visnjic had been skinny dipping in cold water, and then flopped down on his deck chair to sun his back. Seems that certain parts of his anatomy had shrunk in the water and then...er...expanded in the warmth of the sun. And got stuck in the slats of the chair.

Mario was rescued by the beach patrol after he called them and begged in a high pitched voice for some assistance. They sent a guy over who cut the chair in half to release Mario's family jewels.

Makes a wearing a speedo not seem quite so bad, eh?
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When two people marry, usually the wedding party is made up of best friends, relatives who are likely to be insulted if not included, and the like. Renee Biwer-Morris bucked tradition with her wedding party when she invited her close friend Henrietta to be a bridesmaid.
See, Henrietta is a hen. A bird. Poultry. Fowl. Hot wings to be. She belongs to Renees new hubby, Terry.
And even though shes a chicken, shes part of the family, and like one of our children. It is important to include her.

In the buffet, perhaps, but in the actual wedding?

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Be careful what you put in your office email.

Anica and Christina are two women who emailed each other on the company's email system, complaining about their partners' lack of sexual prowess.

Accidentally, one of them sent the email string to all of their fellow employees at the Berlin Federal Labor Office.

Who then forwarded the string on to thousands of other folks in the labor office, other government agencies, and their friends and relatives throughout Germany. They, and their boyfriends, are now national laughing-stocks.

I'm thinking that maybe Anica and Christina don't have to worry about their partners' sexual antics any more. Since they've likely been dumped.
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Today in History May 8, 1999 Actress Dana Plato, who played Kimberly Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes, dies in Oklahoma of an overdose of Valium and Loritab. Just the previous day, Plato had appeared on the Howard Stern syndicated radio program claiming to be clean and sober.

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Link of the Day: Gifts you should not give your mother for mother’s day. I particularly like the Goodbye Kitty, myself. http://www.americaninventorspot.com/node/871

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Tim Patch is a pretty talented Australian! He's a painter, see, but is not tied down by custom or tradition. He paints portraits...with his Penis!!

Yes, one fateful New Year's Eve, Tim showed his friends his amazing talent of painting portraits with his member, and they were all very impressed!

Tim and his staff are now populating galleries throughout Australia with penile pop art and the crowds just love it.

His latest renderings: a portrait of the Prime Minister and also of opposition leader Kim Beazley.

His mom must be just SO proud.

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Prince Henrik of Denmark has animal rights folks all in a tizzy.

He recently admitted quite openly that he loves dogs.

They're tasty.

As the Prince puts it: “Dog meat tastes like rabbit. Like dried baby goat. Or perhaps - I know! - like veal. Like the veal of a baby suckling calf, only drier....dogs are bred to be eaten, just like chickens.””

Amusingly, this houndavore is the honorary president of the Danish Dachshund Club, and is rarely seen without little wiener dogs romping about near him.

Now that the animal rights folks have learned of his culinary specialties, they wish to re-open a case from the 1990's when one of the royal dachshunds disappeared.

Stolen? Perhaps not. Eaten? Entirely likely.

Stay tuned for more drama from the PETA front!

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Forget chads! St Albans Tory Keith Stammers lost his council seat to Lib Dem Judith Shardlow in this most recent election after the official votes came in with a tie.

After 3 recounts, Judy and Keith were tied with 1,131 votes each for the position. To settle the issue, the candidates had to pull pencils - whomever got the longest pencil got the short end of the stick / lost.

Keith drew the long stick, and Judy is now Mayor.

How odd.

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A 36 year old Dutch dude was involved in an OJ-esque police chase this past week.

Dude was driving along at a whopping 6 mph when a cop noticed his infraction. The cop pulled his car up, parked it, jumped out and ran after the car.

He jumped into the passenger's seat and ordered the driver to pull over.

Dude was found (shockingly) to be under the influence of drugs, and his license was revoked for 12 hours.

The snozberries taste like snozberries!

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Carolina Carreno and Francisco Vargas went to a hoity toity resort in Quinta Region, Chile, for their honey moon. The bride was a vision of joy with her waist-length blonde hair as she and her darling went for a dip in the swimming pool.

As they came out, she was a vision of horror, as her hair had turned a hideous shade of green. She and Fran are suing the resort now.

Per her new hubby: "At first, when I saw the hair, I tried to say something funny to calm her down, but she was really angry. And now everyone is calling her the incredible hulk!"

Francisco:
Lesson #1 - never joke about your wife's hair, especially if it has turned green.

Lesson #2 - don't go making the situation worse by talking to the press about it.

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Ladies, you may now go on the subway in NY and not worry about having some bootlicker come up and slobber on your Jimmy Chu's.

Cops have finally caught 23 year old Joseph Weir and are holding him as he awaits trial for serial foot licking in the subways of Manhattan.

He is accused of repeatedly approaching women on the trains, asking to be their slave, grabbing their ankles and yanking them off their feet. Then he allegedly would kiss and lick their shoes and ankles, sometimes removing the footwear in his eagerness.

He has admitted to doing this to at least 70 women in the past 3 years, but the suspicion is that he has tasted leather from many more than that.

Ew.

Today in History: May 2 1957 Mob figure Frank Costello is shot in the head by Vincent "the Chin" Gigante. Instead of killing him, the bullet circumnavigates between his skin and cranium, exiting through the original wound. Costello retires from the Mafia soon after. –dailyrotten

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Link of the Day: http://www.stuffucanuse.com/fake_moon_landings/moon_landings.htm

More proof that the moon landings were faked.

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83 year old Gayadhar Parida is one stubborn old man. Fifty years ago, he was a huffy middle aged man. He had a tiff with his wife and climbed up in a tree a la Keith Richards, and has refused to come down for 50 years.

Word is that he spends most of his time hanging out with the snakes and bugs, coming down only to sip water from a pool.

His family leaves food at the bottom of the tree to coax him down, but they’re not able to capture the ornery guy.

Meow.

An inquisitive mind is usually something folks like to see in their kids. Not so much the mother of this 17 year old Japanese girl.

See, kiddo had grown tired of poisoning small animals, watching them die, and then storing them in formaldehyde in her bedroom. Therefore, she decided last August to poison her mom. Not only did she start feeding her mother a continuous supply of thallium , she kept a running documentary of the woman's demise, blogging written details as well as photo images as her body failed her.

Mom is now in the hospital in a coma - not likely to come out of it, from what I understand. (Kiddo even continued poisoning her when she was put in the hospital! Now that she’s in a coma, well, it’s a bit more difficult.)

This loving daughter is being sent to reform school, though she doesn't seem to understand what reform she could possibly need. When asked if she held a grudge against her mom, the answer was no. She just wanted to experiment.

What ever happened to pulling wings off butterflies?

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Now THIS is news.

David Blaine is at it again, in case you didn’t know.

This time the amazing Blaine is hanging out in a bubble of water for a week, then binding himself with 150lbs of chains, ripping off his breathing device, and trying to hold his breath for nine minutes as he unlocks himself from his self-applied prison.

Wow.

Sure hope he doesn’t have to poo while he’s in there.

That would be gross.

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Speaking of Poo…

Malaysian government is tired of everyone thinking that they have stinky bathrooms. So tired, in fact, that they are holding a big old Potty Pow Wow!

At the National Toilet Summit, held Aug 24 - 25, the founder of the World Toilet Organization - Jack Sim - will share his toilet management expertise and there will be much brainstorming regarding improvements to be made (such as, uh, providing TP, soap, water, and maybe even toilet seats).

Folks are flush with anticipation.

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Those out there with pets understand just how tough it can be to plan a family vacation that includes Fido. Lots of American hotels just plain don't like furry buddies but DO put up with snot nosed unruly kids.

There's a hotel in Austria that has an opposing view. Monstrous children are no longer welcome at the Hotel Cortisen in St Wolfgang. The hotel was just redecorated and the owner doesn't want any brats about: "kids will put their dirty paw-prints on the white walls, stand on the white leather sofas in their dirty shoes, and scream and run around and disturb other guests. I have decided to make a stand and I am sure others will follow suit and say no to kids. From today, children are no longer welcome - and I plan to advertise it as I am sure it will attract guests."

Can you bring your pup along, though?

"I don't have a problem with dogs... dogs are always welcome in my hotel."

Just stick the kiddos in a kennel for a week.

No prob.

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So this guy went to visit the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge, England, and had a truly smashing time. As he was gazing at the priceless items, he accidentally tripped over his untied shoelace. He careened down a stairway, knocking three 17^th/18^th century Qing Dynasty vases off of their resting place of the past 40 years. CRASH!!!!!!!!

Dude was redfaced, but unhurt – in spite of the shards of porcelain flying about from the shattered vases. The curators of the museum are taking it all in stride.

When asked about the state of the vases, the response was: “They are in very, very small pieces, but we are determined to put them back together.”

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Meanwhile, in Wakefield, Mick Woods settled down to make himself a ham sammich. For unknown reasons, as he opened the package of ham, he read the ingredients list. Included there in, in big bold letters right there in front of God and everyone, the package stated that it contained……dog shyte.

Yep. Poopies. Tootsie rolls. Doggie donuts. Poodle presents. Collie cookies. Beagle biscuits. Cockapoo…er…poo.

H R Hargereaves & Son has fired the employee that conducted the prank, and Mick is satisfied. But he won’t be having any ham sammiches again for a while.

Today in History: January 13, 1943: Hitler declared ‘Total War’. He lost.

Interestingly enough, this same day in 1979, the Young Men’s Christian Association filed a libel suit against The Village People for their hit ‘YMCA’. They lost too.

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Link of the Day: http://www.worth1000.com/cache/contest/contestcache.asp?contest_id=8558&display=photoshop#entries

Photoshop contest: beer swap – replace any object with a beer related product.

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There comes a point where sticking to a promise is, well, just plain weird.

Take, for example, the wish of Johannas Pope of Cincinnati OH. Johannas always told everyone that she didn’t want to be buried after her death, because she planned on returning from the Great Beyond. So, when she kicked the bucket while upstairs watching TV in August of 2003, her caretaker did what any good friend would do. Left her sitting in her comfy chair in front of the switched-on television, turned on the air conditioner, and locked the body in the room.

For 2 and a half years.

Family members and the over the top caretaker continued to live in the downstairs section of the house, but nobody was to disturb Johannas. The special discovery of her somewhat chilled remains was made as a result of a phone call from a relative who noticed that he hadn’t heard from her for a couple of years.

See, this is why you send out Christmas cards every year. So people know if your dead body is propped up in front of Wheel of Fortune in an air-conditioned upstairs room, see. ‘Cause it happens.

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I hate it when I go to Hibachi or where ever and the gleeful cook does that thing with his spatula and wings a shrimp through the air and expects me to catch it like a trained seal. The pressure is just too much for me. Now I, and anyone who shares my discomfort with like situations, may call upon the following anecdote as a fine excuse to decline shrimp tossage:

In Mineola, NY, a man with the unfortunate name of Jerry Colaitis stopped in the Munsey Park Benihana for a fun evening of hibachi style food. Jerry didn’t want the chef to throw the shrimp. He REALLY didn’t want to try to catch it in his mouth. So when the chef cheerfully whopped the shrimp towards Jerry, Mr Colaitis ducked violently to avoid being smacked by the crustacean.

Poor Jerry. He wrenched his neck when he ducked. Wrenched it so badly, in fact, that he required surgery. Many months later Jerry developed complications from the surgery.

And died.

Jerry’s family has decided that he never would have died if he didn’t have the surgery, and he wouldn’t have had the surgery if he hadn’t wrenched his neck, and he wouldn’t have wrenched his neck if that dastardly Benihana chef hadn’t lobbed the shrimp at him.

So they’re suing Benihana for wrongful death.

Speaking of the dead…

Jose Serra is mayor in the Brazilian city of Sao Paulo. Jose doesn’t like the way the folks at cemeteries are so…er…quiet, and lack energy. He desires to “enable residents to exercise regularly”, and therefore is proposing the construction of circular running tracks in 22 of the city’s cemeteries. Protesters really want Jose to leave the dead alone and not make the living run around with ghosts, but Jose is adamant: "The people of the city are in need of good activity areas, so this is an amazing option to use up spaces with intelligence."

Boo.

Hm. Wonder how this one happened.
Known facts:

Chick had fight with guy.
Chick had cell phone.
Cell phone became lodged in her throat.

One story: she didn't want her boyfriend to have the phone, so she tried to swallow it.
My theory: boyfriend was tired of her big fat mouth and the stupidity coming from it and shoved the phone in her mouth and she accidentally started to swallow it.

Hm.

Either way, 'tis deemed stupid in my book.

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eBay Bully!!

When dealing with the public, it's important to present a professional
and friendly image to the customer, especially when it comes to
after-the-sale service.

Tina and Dwayne Schimke saw a really cool bike on eBay and placed a bid
on it.  After winning the auction, Tina and Dwayne were confused about
the shipping costs they were going to incur so they contacted the
seller
with their questions.

And that, my friends, was the beginning of the end for them.  Seems
that
Frank Esquitin, aka the eBay Bully, doesn't LIKE people asking him
about
his prices.  His professional and well thought out response to their
question went something like this:  "I know exactly where you f---ing
live. E-mail me again and see what happens to your little b---- a--."

Word is that Frankie boy has a temper and doesn't mind showing it.  In
fact, there was another family who dared to ask him a question about
some goods they won just a bit ago.  Frank decided to harrass them via
phone, calling the household 37 times to let them know what morons they
were and to threaten them with death. 

Frank is still out there selling, using at the very least the following
eBay aliases:  Old School Riderz, Cool Cat Cycles and Cool Cat Biker. 

So if you're bored, and want to watch someone go ballistic just for
fun....send him a question or two, eh?

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Pumping Judge's Trial Cancelled.  Again.

Remember former creek County District Jusdge Donald Thompson?  Used to
sit on the bench playing with himself and his wingding pump during
murder trials and such?  Of course you do.

Back at the end of 2003 folks finally tired of the distracting whompy
whompy whompy sound during court & pressed charges.  Well, he STILL
hasn't had his trial.  His lawyers have now managed to get the trial
pushed back even more, arguing that he deserves a preliminary trial
because the charges against him have changed...seems that rather than
being tried for 3 known personal carnival events, he's being charged
for
holding his private parties about 49 times in public.

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